As I was looking back through my blogs, I read my May 20th entry (called "Vulnerable") and realized that that was when all of "this" started; "This", being my adventure of wanting to discover God for myself. Here's what I wrote in my journal tonight.
"I have no connection with God.
It breaks my heart to see those words on paper because I think it's my fault, mostly, for not being disciplined enough to actually figure it out, and I can't escape the thought that I'm doing something very, very wrong with this whole thing. It's not that I don't believe in God- I do. I believe that He created this world and me and He is powerful and omniscient. I do not know that He loves me or cares for me in the slightest. Insecurities and doubt have taken God's place and it's no wonder I feel like life is falling apart.
I was in church the other day, and I've always been pretty conscious of the quote by A.W. Tozer that says, "Christians rarely say lies, we just go to church and sing them." So as we sang, I realized I couldn't sing anything because it was about surrender, and my lips would not budge to move what my heart didn't agree with. And I thought to myself, "Look how far I have fallen..." as a confession to God and a realization to myself.
A couple weeks ago, I started a study on religion to try and figure out God: Put a nice bow around Him, so that all the sudden I could say to myself, "This all makes sense." But as intriguing as it was, different religions ended up being an excuse to hide behind so I wouldn't have to deal with mine. It raised more questions in my mind than answers which are intellectually stimulating to ponder, but useless in the grand scheme of things. I decided I needed to back up and look at the big picture, what do I believe in?
So I started questioning. I think this time of questioning, if it does not produce doubt that lingers or remains, will produce great perseverance. I've realized I do not want a God I can put on a bumper sticker or a nice Facebook status. I do not want a God that I can be intellectually stimulated by, or a God that I just "feel... and I just know He exists." I am tired of fake Christianity. I am tired of legalistic Christianity; when I can't say "sex" because it is from the devil. I am tired of ignorant belief based on feelings and not established upon truth. I've grown up in that environment, and at one point or another I had to ask myself if I was worshiping a formulaic system which "depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. (Colossians 2:8)" or God Himself. I'll admit I've become cynical and judgmental of the church, and I have become more calloused and less willing to love, and I am working on it. This blog is titled, "Vulnerable", try not to look at me differently. ;)
I keep thinking about Thomas, and being so envious of Him, that in His doubt He was able to put his finger in the hole in Jesus' hand. "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."- John 20:27. Wouldn't that make things 60 times easier? I admit that I have actually asked God if He would make things that clear to me.
If this God I believe in is indeed, real, and as powerful as He says He is, I cannot patronize Him by being a half-hearted-Sunday-morning-Christian. Either He is real; and every moment and every decision I make will echo in eternity, or this man Jesus was a crazy person and His followers follow an idea to satisfy an emotion. It is not a choice to settle in complacency, either He is much bigger and more worthy than that or I am wasting my time even thinking about it. I believe it's the first.
That is why I think I'm in this place. It's terrifying. I cannot remain in this apathy, but I'm afraid I am indeed here, and this process may take awhile. But here I am, this is what my life consists of currently, and I pray that I don't remain here much longer. But we will see..."
Here's a song that I always find myself listening to. It's one of those songs that never get old to me, because it's so honest, and I think very applicable to what I've been talking about.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Needle and Thread- Sleeping at Last
When the world welcomes us in,
We’re closer to Heaven than we’ll ever know.
They say this place has changed,
But strip away all of the technology
And you will see
That we all are hunters,
Hunting for something that will make us okay.
Here we lay alone in hospital beds,
Tracing life in our heads;
But all that is left
Is that this was our entrance and now it’s our exit,
As we find our way home.
All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand
That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.
“You were a million years of work,”
Said God and His angels, with needle and thread.
They kissed your head and said,
“You’re a good kid and you make us proud.
So just give your best and the rest will come,
And we’ll see you soon.”
All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand
That maybe Hollywood was right:
When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried,
The answers that we have been dying to find
Are all pieced together and, somehow,
Made perfectly mine.
We are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of love.
We’re closer to Heaven than we’ll ever know.
They say this place has changed,
But strip away all of the technology
And you will see
That we all are hunters,
Hunting for something that will make us okay.
Here we lay alone in hospital beds,
Tracing life in our heads;
But all that is left
Is that this was our entrance and now it’s our exit,
As we find our way home.
All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand
That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.
“You were a million years of work,”
Said God and His angels, with needle and thread.
They kissed your head and said,
“You’re a good kid and you make us proud.
So just give your best and the rest will come,
And we’ll see you soon.”
All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand
That maybe Hollywood was right:
When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried,
The answers that we have been dying to find
Are all pieced together and, somehow,
Made perfectly mine.
We are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of love.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Logic is Nothing Without Passion.
It's been more than a month since my last blog, and I am stuck on that same idea I wrote about in the last blog. I've been exploring it deeper, while I think this is an idea that resonates in all of our hearts (because God put it there)it is incredible realizing it myself. This idea is not formulated by books I've read or talks I've heard, but simply because I asked the Source Himself.
Logic is nothing without passion.
We can logically try to figure God out. We can spend years researching His existence, the validity of the Bible, the list goes on. But God knows He's real. God knows He sent His Son to die for our sins. He knows He created it all. The logic we want is only for ourselves. Logic, in itself, isn't bringing glory to God. It is what we do with that logic that either diminishes His glory, or defines it.
We choose what we do with knowledge. It is God's heart that we love Him and know Him. He wouldn't have given us free will otherwise.
Logic is great for us. But if it points not to God, if our hearts do not fall more in love with Him, all of the logic we possess are thoughts that are held with nowhere to go. I love that humans are logical, and I am not saying at all that we should rely on feelings in order to know God exists. Research why you believe in such divine love that doesn't make sense at all, but once you discover that He is indeed real; I think God's heart is that we experience that divine love.
I bet He thinks it's great we've found He is who He is logically. But I think He wants us to go deeper. C.S. Lewis says it like this: "Why, then, did God give us free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata-of creatures that worked like machines-would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight... And for that they must be free." (Mere Christianity)
I pray that our logic would not diminish the relationship He desires with us. My prayer is that through logic, we would fall more deeply and passionately in love with the humans He created to be in love with Him.
Logic is nothing without passion.
We can logically try to figure God out. We can spend years researching His existence, the validity of the Bible, the list goes on. But God knows He's real. God knows He sent His Son to die for our sins. He knows He created it all. The logic we want is only for ourselves. Logic, in itself, isn't bringing glory to God. It is what we do with that logic that either diminishes His glory, or defines it.
We choose what we do with knowledge. It is God's heart that we love Him and know Him. He wouldn't have given us free will otherwise.
Logic is great for us. But if it points not to God, if our hearts do not fall more in love with Him, all of the logic we possess are thoughts that are held with nowhere to go. I love that humans are logical, and I am not saying at all that we should rely on feelings in order to know God exists. Research why you believe in such divine love that doesn't make sense at all, but once you discover that He is indeed real; I think God's heart is that we experience that divine love.
I bet He thinks it's great we've found He is who He is logically. But I think He wants us to go deeper. C.S. Lewis says it like this: "Why, then, did God give us free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata-of creatures that worked like machines-would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight... And for that they must be free." (Mere Christianity)
I pray that our logic would not diminish the relationship He desires with us. My prayer is that through logic, we would fall more deeply and passionately in love with the humans He created to be in love with Him.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Love.
I haven't blogged in awhile- I've had an interesting past month. I could write a lot of blogs- on this new book I'm reading which is a debate between Freud and C.S. Lewis (which is so interesting), or on my frustration with the Christian "bubble" (especially on the topic of dating), or on logic vs. emotions (which I've struggled a lot with lately.) I may write on all of them at one point, but I think I'll talk about logic vs. emotions for right now.
I've had a very intersting time trying to discern between logic and emotion recently. I want to know what's truth, what's absolute, what I believe without a doubt, and then all of my stupid emotions. I have had such a hard time balancing them out. Then I started asking questions such as; "why do I feel things that aren't logical?" Such as, love. And so I studied it. Specifically, the love of God and why the heck he would choose to love such an imperfect people. Here's what I found:
(from my journal):
I have found myself recently desiring to discover God logically. I see people who love God, but then can't explain to people why. Their love for God is merely a feeling- but the feeling has no proof to explain it. And feelings are fleeting, but logic is not. Then I started wondering, "Why does God love humans? Why did Perfection choose imperfection to lavish His love upon? If He is completely self-sufficient, then creating humans was a want, a dersire, and I have to wonder 'WHY'?" Are our feelings blind? Is our love because we get the "warm fuzzies" when we worship? Why would God choose to love people like that, who can love Him one day and hate Him the next?
God could choose to have angels only- who would always worship Him, who would never turn their back on Him. If God created us to worship Him, then I figure God must be dissapointed; and angels would do the job much better than us. So then I asked myself, Did God create us to worship Him? If not, what did he create us for? If He just wanted someone to worship Him, then why would he choose to create a people who would deliberately turn their back on Him ALL the time?
From Adam and Eve, who completely disobeyed God even in paradise, to Abraham, to Noah, to all the people in the Old Testament, they all screawed up. So why did God continue time and time again to love these people who constantly turn their back on Him? And then ultimately send His Son as a sacrifice- the biggest display of underserving love? He could make us all love Him- but He chose to give us all free will. Why?!
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
And then I wonder, should it make sense? Should we accept His love as a gift, and not try to make sense of it? I know God is logical, and made us in His image to be logical, so why would He create two contridicting things? (Someone logical, but at the same time someone who loves, but when the love isn't logical, isn't it contridicting?)
I am still thinking, but I think angels will never fulfill God because since He Himself IS love, He wanted an object to lavish that love upon. Angels would never feel His love. So God wanted a people in His own image- since He has emotions- so do we. And we can shoose to give love back to Him, or not.
I can try to make sense of God's love all I want, but I never will. It DOESN'T make sense, ultimately, and I don't know if He intended it to. It is a gift that humans can't logically figure out. We must feel it. We must experience it. No- he doesn't need us. He is self-sufficient. For whatever reason, though, He does love us.
Emotions distinguish us from the angels, from the animals, from anything else He created. Therefore, I think emotions are the ultimate gift to God- it is something we can bring to Him that nothing else can. maybe that is why Love is the greatest commandment- loving God and loving people. Emotions connect our heart to God more than logic ever will, since we're created in the image of Him who feels. When we feel Him and His love, our hearts come alive because He intended it to.
Logic is important- I don't think God wants us to follow Him because of the "warm fuzzies" we experience. But it is ultimately love that will change our hearts. no logic could make us love Him. It points us toward it- but it is not love itself. I don't think God created us to worship Him, He has angels for that. He created us for love, and worship comes out of a place of love. I am confident He loves my weak love, even in all of its flaws.
No, I don't understand it.
I've had a very intersting time trying to discern between logic and emotion recently. I want to know what's truth, what's absolute, what I believe without a doubt, and then all of my stupid emotions. I have had such a hard time balancing them out. Then I started asking questions such as; "why do I feel things that aren't logical?" Such as, love. And so I studied it. Specifically, the love of God and why the heck he would choose to love such an imperfect people. Here's what I found:
(from my journal):
I have found myself recently desiring to discover God logically. I see people who love God, but then can't explain to people why. Their love for God is merely a feeling- but the feeling has no proof to explain it. And feelings are fleeting, but logic is not. Then I started wondering, "Why does God love humans? Why did Perfection choose imperfection to lavish His love upon? If He is completely self-sufficient, then creating humans was a want, a dersire, and I have to wonder 'WHY'?" Are our feelings blind? Is our love because we get the "warm fuzzies" when we worship? Why would God choose to love people like that, who can love Him one day and hate Him the next?
God could choose to have angels only- who would always worship Him, who would never turn their back on Him. If God created us to worship Him, then I figure God must be dissapointed; and angels would do the job much better than us. So then I asked myself, Did God create us to worship Him? If not, what did he create us for? If He just wanted someone to worship Him, then why would he choose to create a people who would deliberately turn their back on Him ALL the time?
From Adam and Eve, who completely disobeyed God even in paradise, to Abraham, to Noah, to all the people in the Old Testament, they all screawed up. So why did God continue time and time again to love these people who constantly turn their back on Him? And then ultimately send His Son as a sacrifice- the biggest display of underserving love? He could make us all love Him- but He chose to give us all free will. Why?!
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
And then I wonder, should it make sense? Should we accept His love as a gift, and not try to make sense of it? I know God is logical, and made us in His image to be logical, so why would He create two contridicting things? (Someone logical, but at the same time someone who loves, but when the love isn't logical, isn't it contridicting?)
I am still thinking, but I think angels will never fulfill God because since He Himself IS love, He wanted an object to lavish that love upon. Angels would never feel His love. So God wanted a people in His own image- since He has emotions- so do we. And we can shoose to give love back to Him, or not.
I can try to make sense of God's love all I want, but I never will. It DOESN'T make sense, ultimately, and I don't know if He intended it to. It is a gift that humans can't logically figure out. We must feel it. We must experience it. No- he doesn't need us. He is self-sufficient. For whatever reason, though, He does love us.
Emotions distinguish us from the angels, from the animals, from anything else He created. Therefore, I think emotions are the ultimate gift to God- it is something we can bring to Him that nothing else can. maybe that is why Love is the greatest commandment- loving God and loving people. Emotions connect our heart to God more than logic ever will, since we're created in the image of Him who feels. When we feel Him and His love, our hearts come alive because He intended it to.
Logic is important- I don't think God wants us to follow Him because of the "warm fuzzies" we experience. But it is ultimately love that will change our hearts. no logic could make us love Him. It points us toward it- but it is not love itself. I don't think God created us to worship Him, He has angels for that. He created us for love, and worship comes out of a place of love. I am confident He loves my weak love, even in all of its flaws.
No, I don't understand it.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Girls.
Girls, girls, girls.
What are we doing when we wake up in the morning to dress ourselves?
Scenario A:
Girl 1: "I feel like all he wants me for is my body. He just wants to be physical with me all the time."
Girl 2: "Oh my gosh, you deserve so much better. I can't believe he would do that!"
*Cue light bulb and sense of empowerment in Girl 1's head*
-I should feel hurt, he is such a jerk. I deserve so much better. Ugh, I can't believe him.
Okay, okay, stop. I could write another blog on the way girls support each other for no reason and then we just feel empowered by that, but this one is about clothing choices.
The guy could be a legitimate jerk here. However, we've got to start examining ourselves before we put guys in the "tool bag" category.
We usually attract what we are.
We complain that we're being seen as a "piece of meat" and not being noticed for our personality. Then we wear shorts so short that we might as well just be wearing underwear, dresses that could double as shirts, and shirts so tight our boobs spill out easily. And my favorite, putting our money and cell phones between our boobs. Convenient...
Our personality is kind of hidden because our clothing choices, or lack there of.
We want guys to fight for us.
Pursue us.
Most of us don't want to be "easy".
But what is there to pursue when you lay it all out there?
And if you want the in-the-moment relationship, then dress whatever way you want. You will be fulfilled for the moment and probably hurt in the long run.
I realize there's a lot more underlying than this. We want affirmation that we're loved, and wanted. It's more subconscious than anything. We feel wanted when we're physical with a guy. But I promise there are more ways to feel wanted, and it will be more rewarding. It just won't be so immediate. Patience, ladies. Be hard to get. And stop giving yourself excuses.
I'm just calling us girls to a higher standard. Woman up, dress like you have something to offer beyond your body. Honor your future husband by not having men pant over you (learn to get your affirmation from somewhere else). Respect yourself enough to realize you should be treated better, but you need to examine why you're not.
I'm tired of putting this all on the guys, although they can be jerks, stop being ignorant of what you're parading around.
You can blame the media all you want for the misconception of beauty, but ultimately it is our choice what kind of guys we want to attract.
What are we doing when we wake up in the morning to dress ourselves?
Scenario A:
Girl 1: "I feel like all he wants me for is my body. He just wants to be physical with me all the time."
Girl 2: "Oh my gosh, you deserve so much better. I can't believe he would do that!"
*Cue light bulb and sense of empowerment in Girl 1's head*
-I should feel hurt, he is such a jerk. I deserve so much better. Ugh, I can't believe him.
Okay, okay, stop. I could write another blog on the way girls support each other for no reason and then we just feel empowered by that, but this one is about clothing choices.
The guy could be a legitimate jerk here. However, we've got to start examining ourselves before we put guys in the "tool bag" category.
We usually attract what we are.
We complain that we're being seen as a "piece of meat" and not being noticed for our personality. Then we wear shorts so short that we might as well just be wearing underwear, dresses that could double as shirts, and shirts so tight our boobs spill out easily. And my favorite, putting our money and cell phones between our boobs. Convenient...
Our personality is kind of hidden because our clothing choices, or lack there of.
We want guys to fight for us.
Pursue us.
Most of us don't want to be "easy".
But what is there to pursue when you lay it all out there?
And if you want the in-the-moment relationship, then dress whatever way you want. You will be fulfilled for the moment and probably hurt in the long run.
I realize there's a lot more underlying than this. We want affirmation that we're loved, and wanted. It's more subconscious than anything. We feel wanted when we're physical with a guy. But I promise there are more ways to feel wanted, and it will be more rewarding. It just won't be so immediate. Patience, ladies. Be hard to get. And stop giving yourself excuses.
I'm just calling us girls to a higher standard. Woman up, dress like you have something to offer beyond your body. Honor your future husband by not having men pant over you (learn to get your affirmation from somewhere else). Respect yourself enough to realize you should be treated better, but you need to examine why you're not.
I'm tired of putting this all on the guys, although they can be jerks, stop being ignorant of what you're parading around.
You can blame the media all you want for the misconception of beauty, but ultimately it is our choice what kind of guys we want to attract.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thoughts + song.
Life has been so good.
God has been confirming these things over and over again that I need to let go. I feel like a week ago was the first time in 5 months I've ever been confident in his voice, speaking to me something very specific. And it was to let something go. Haha. It seems like even though everything should be falling apart, everything is completely falling together, because I have seen over and over again my small prayers answered these couple days. It's been crazy. I'll write about that later...
But here's a song I wrote today about what I've been struggling with the last few months and what I felt was God's reply. For so long I had been telling him, "God. I can't understand you." And then it clicked it me that being unfathomable is what makes God, God. And although it sucks sometimes, it makes me want Him all the more. So here it is. (I wish I could just have a video but my microphone isn't working. Sorry!)
Incomprehensible
How long has it been
My distant friend
Since I’ve heard your voice?
Is it in the wind?
Or in the rain?
Just a few words would suffice.
I’m tired of hearing
But not really knowing
Who you are.
I want to know who you are.
I know you’re Alpha, Omega, Messiah, Redeemer,
But Father, Lover, giver of good things.
I don’t understand.
I know you’re fully powerful, omniscient and wise
But for your Holiness to gaze into my eyes
And say I love you
I don’t understand.
Now the rain’s coming in
And I can’t pretend
I’m not lonely
Have you built a disguise
As a test for my life?
Or are you still with me?
I want to behold
And really know
That you love me
God, do you love me?
And you say to me:
I’m incomprehensible.
Unfathomable
Beyond your understanding
I’ve been nearer
And so much clearer than your box has put me in.
And I love you, want to know you,
But first you’ve got to know to give up your control
So that you’ll know
That I’m Alpha, Omega, Messiah, Redeemer
And Father, Lover, Giver of all good things.
Your life is in my hands
And I’m fully powerful, omniscient and wise
My holiness longs to gaze in your eyes.
And proclaim my Bride as mine.
I love you.
God has been confirming these things over and over again that I need to let go. I feel like a week ago was the first time in 5 months I've ever been confident in his voice, speaking to me something very specific. And it was to let something go. Haha. It seems like even though everything should be falling apart, everything is completely falling together, because I have seen over and over again my small prayers answered these couple days. It's been crazy. I'll write about that later...
But here's a song I wrote today about what I've been struggling with the last few months and what I felt was God's reply. For so long I had been telling him, "God. I can't understand you." And then it clicked it me that being unfathomable is what makes God, God. And although it sucks sometimes, it makes me want Him all the more. So here it is. (I wish I could just have a video but my microphone isn't working. Sorry!)
Incomprehensible
How long has it been
My distant friend
Since I’ve heard your voice?
Is it in the wind?
Or in the rain?
Just a few words would suffice.
I’m tired of hearing
But not really knowing
Who you are.
I want to know who you are.
I know you’re Alpha, Omega, Messiah, Redeemer,
But Father, Lover, giver of good things.
I don’t understand.
I know you’re fully powerful, omniscient and wise
But for your Holiness to gaze into my eyes
And say I love you
I don’t understand.
Now the rain’s coming in
And I can’t pretend
I’m not lonely
Have you built a disguise
As a test for my life?
Or are you still with me?
I want to behold
And really know
That you love me
God, do you love me?
And you say to me:
I’m incomprehensible.
Unfathomable
Beyond your understanding
I’ve been nearer
And so much clearer than your box has put me in.
And I love you, want to know you,
But first you’ve got to know to give up your control
So that you’ll know
That I’m Alpha, Omega, Messiah, Redeemer
And Father, Lover, Giver of all good things.
Your life is in my hands
And I’m fully powerful, omniscient and wise
My holiness longs to gaze in your eyes.
And proclaim my Bride as mine.
I love you.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
New Chapter.
I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life.
I feel like God is nearer as I just put myself aside and worship God for who He is. I'm not confident in His voice still, and His love still makes no sense to me. But I've been learning so much about Him and myself.
Recently, God's been doing a lot of stretching my comfort zone. I've had to wrestle with a lot of things and in tears give it up to God. A lot of that has been recent. Such as: my pride, my desire to be perfect, my insecurities, my want to just be someone great instead of someone great in ordinary circumstances. (there's more than this list, but those are my very generic things. ;) )
And I think He's taking all of these things away not because He just decided it was the right time, I think a couple months ago would've been a good time, too. The difference is that I'm letting Him do it. I think He's wanted to do it for a long time but I simply wouldn't give Him control, because everything was so comfortable to me. But I never felt peace about anything. I'm giving up control of my life because I realize I can't do anything apart from Him. And I had no idea how painful giving up would be.
I wrote in my journal tonight, "I have such a broken peace about life. Broken, in the way that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. And I have been, a lot. But peace in the way that through tears I find that I'm right where God wants me to be. I know I'm going to be okay. And I'm joyful in knowing that all the things I've given up are for the better and God is going to use me through my pain. I can't explain how I just know this is where God wants me, but I just feel okay letting it all go."
I'm still working on giving everything up. It's not so sudden as just "I'm giving it up!" And then it's no problem anymore. It is a problem. And it takes a huge effort on my part to actually rid of these things, I'm sure I'll be working for a long time. But I am working on it. And God is working in me.
And I know I'm right where I should be.
I feel like God is nearer as I just put myself aside and worship God for who He is. I'm not confident in His voice still, and His love still makes no sense to me. But I've been learning so much about Him and myself.
Recently, God's been doing a lot of stretching my comfort zone. I've had to wrestle with a lot of things and in tears give it up to God. A lot of that has been recent. Such as: my pride, my desire to be perfect, my insecurities, my want to just be someone great instead of someone great in ordinary circumstances. (there's more than this list, but those are my very generic things. ;) )
And I think He's taking all of these things away not because He just decided it was the right time, I think a couple months ago would've been a good time, too. The difference is that I'm letting Him do it. I think He's wanted to do it for a long time but I simply wouldn't give Him control, because everything was so comfortable to me. But I never felt peace about anything. I'm giving up control of my life because I realize I can't do anything apart from Him. And I had no idea how painful giving up would be.
I wrote in my journal tonight, "I have such a broken peace about life. Broken, in the way that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. And I have been, a lot. But peace in the way that through tears I find that I'm right where God wants me to be. I know I'm going to be okay. And I'm joyful in knowing that all the things I've given up are for the better and God is going to use me through my pain. I can't explain how I just know this is where God wants me, but I just feel okay letting it all go."
I'm still working on giving everything up. It's not so sudden as just "I'm giving it up!" And then it's no problem anymore. It is a problem. And it takes a huge effort on my part to actually rid of these things, I'm sure I'll be working for a long time. But I am working on it. And God is working in me.
And I know I'm right where I should be.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Purity.
I wanted to write a blog about Job, but this has really been on my heart the last few days.
I've recently had such a desire to be pure. In my thoughts, in my motives, in my actions, in my speech. I want God to be honored through what I think and do. And more than that, I want my future husband to be honored through my actions now.
We live in such a sex-saturated world that it's almost hard to be pure. We wear purity rings on our fingers and then go sleep around. I know friends who have gotten pregnant, who, years before would have said "I won't have sex until my wedding night." It's sad, but everywhere on the media screams sex is no big deal.
I've been realizing how much chick flicks are like pornography for women. I'm not kidding when I say I'm addicted. When I go to redbox, I immediately go to the romance section and pick whichever one I hadn't seen already. I haven't seen a non-chick flick in awhile. Yeah, I know, it's pathetic. But I love the idea of romance. I love looking through bridal magazines and wedding photography to look at dresses and such. But it's giving me such a false perception of what romance really is. I don't want to expect anything like what I've seen in a chick flick to interfere with my next relationship.
And the pornography industry? Every second 28,258 users are viewing pornography. 47% of CHRISTIANS say pornography is a major problem in the home. The U.S. has 89% of all porn websites in the world. There was an atheist group at a college who encouraged people to bring in their Bibles in exchange for porn. (http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html)
...Seriously? Most men have had some sort of struggle with pornography. (Correct me, men, if I'm wrong) which hurts me. One of my fears for when I'm married is being a disappointment to my husband. Just like I may have a false perception of romance, I'm so afraid he will have a false perception of what I should look like.
"If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for very good work. Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."
-1 Timothy 2:21-22.
I want to live beyond living in the moment.
I want to be used by the Maker to do very good work because of my pure heart.
I want to honor my future husband.
I've recently had such a desire to be pure. In my thoughts, in my motives, in my actions, in my speech. I want God to be honored through what I think and do. And more than that, I want my future husband to be honored through my actions now.
We live in such a sex-saturated world that it's almost hard to be pure. We wear purity rings on our fingers and then go sleep around. I know friends who have gotten pregnant, who, years before would have said "I won't have sex until my wedding night." It's sad, but everywhere on the media screams sex is no big deal.
I've been realizing how much chick flicks are like pornography for women. I'm not kidding when I say I'm addicted. When I go to redbox, I immediately go to the romance section and pick whichever one I hadn't seen already. I haven't seen a non-chick flick in awhile. Yeah, I know, it's pathetic. But I love the idea of romance. I love looking through bridal magazines and wedding photography to look at dresses and such. But it's giving me such a false perception of what romance really is. I don't want to expect anything like what I've seen in a chick flick to interfere with my next relationship.
And the pornography industry? Every second 28,258 users are viewing pornography. 47% of CHRISTIANS say pornography is a major problem in the home. The U.S. has 89% of all porn websites in the world. There was an atheist group at a college who encouraged people to bring in their Bibles in exchange for porn. (http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html)
...Seriously? Most men have had some sort of struggle with pornography. (Correct me, men, if I'm wrong) which hurts me. One of my fears for when I'm married is being a disappointment to my husband. Just like I may have a false perception of romance, I'm so afraid he will have a false perception of what I should look like.
"If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for very good work. Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."
-1 Timothy 2:21-22.
I want to live beyond living in the moment.
I want to be used by the Maker to do very good work because of my pure heart.
I want to honor my future husband.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Ordinary Visions.
I have no idea where to start, but I've been learning so much about God, and a lot about myself. I have learned so much and I have no idea what to write. I'll just go.
As far as the perfectionism goes, I've been working on it.
Yesterday, I did my laundry. It was a Monday. I only do my laundry on Saturday's.
I got my gas on a Tuesday.
I actually bought some stuff with this paycheck instead of putting it all into savings for who-knows-what.
I re-thought going to ORU and next year. I might go to PPCC for a year to get all of my general ed classes out of the way.
I'm still very far from not being a perfectionist. Yesterday at Taco Bell I stayed an extra half an hour past my shift because I wanted to clean it better. I took it personally when Jared called to tell me there were smudges on the glass and crumbs on the floor. Legitimately offended. And I sighed deeply realizing I still have a long way to go.
But lately, I've heard a billion sermons and read so many books on the "ordinary". And it's been the most encouraging thing in my life. For soooo SOOOOO soooooooooo long I've hated my ordinary life. I hated the mundane. I wrote in my journal on May 28th: "I want to run away. Start over. Live differently somehow. I'm tired of the mundane. So sick of the predictable. Why do I feel as I write that it's exactly where God wants me? I HATE being here."
Haha, I think that was God trying to speak to me there. Maybe. Point is, I've always been so upset with being boring ol' Plain-Jane Sierra. I pitied myself, even. And then I heard Daniel Grothe speak on something so contrary to what I had thought God wanted for so long.
He just wants my small, ordinary, every-day moments. I decided when I die, I want to be known for living the most extraordinary ordinary life.
Daniel Grothe spoke about Moses, Mary, and Paul. They are the "heroes" of the faith, but they were two murderers and an unwed pregnant lady. We see them as heroes, but in their day I'm sure they were frowned upon. They were known for those few extraordinary parts in their life, but what about the rest of it?
What about David? He was chosen as he was tending to his sheep to be king. His dad didn't even consider him to be the king. And David was faithful to being a shepherd. And God still chose him. But what was he doing? The same thing he had probably been doing since he was young. Every day. And through his ordinary-ness, God saw him.
I just want to bring glory to God where I am. Today. Tomorrow. In my every day. I want my conversations to be full of wisdom. My motives to be of love. My coffee conversations to be building people up.
At girl time today we were asked "What is your vision for next year?"
Here's mine: I want to make the most of the everyday boring routine. I've had this huge vision of saving my whole high school for so long and then got discouraged when the day is done and I'm at my locker realizing I did really nothing to "win back my school for Christ." My vision is to focus on loving individual people. Get coffee with them. Pray for them. Serve them in whatever capacity I can.
And my vision for the future?
I want to live with purpose in my ordinary-ness. In complete surrender and abandonment to God's plan for my life. We all have a desire for greatness, and I haven't lost sight of the great things I think God wants to do with me. But I think the great things start with the small things and I so deeply want to please God in my every day. Which will probably be around 95% of my life. :)
I want to be an excellent student and employee. Doing my job to the best of my ability (even if it's at a fast food restaurant).I want my eyes to be open to seeing the needs of people at work and when I can serve people.
I want to, maybe more than anything, be an excellent wife and mother. I want to be a house wife or a teacher. I want to serve my family. Write letters, call, or e-mail friends to see how their heart is doing and asking what I can do to help. Open my house to anyone in need. Be willing to anything God is asking and inconvenience myself at times to help people.
I can't lose myself in the extraordinary when the ordinary moments have the opportunity to be extraordinary.
"Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything you do. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. Serve them sincerely because of your reverent fear for the Lord. Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you are working for the Lord rather than people."
- Colossians 4:22-23.
There's more about Job, but I'll write another blog.
I am happy, people. I am genuinely joyful. :)
As far as the perfectionism goes, I've been working on it.
Yesterday, I did my laundry. It was a Monday. I only do my laundry on Saturday's.
I got my gas on a Tuesday.
I actually bought some stuff with this paycheck instead of putting it all into savings for who-knows-what.
I re-thought going to ORU and next year. I might go to PPCC for a year to get all of my general ed classes out of the way.
I'm still very far from not being a perfectionist. Yesterday at Taco Bell I stayed an extra half an hour past my shift because I wanted to clean it better. I took it personally when Jared called to tell me there were smudges on the glass and crumbs on the floor. Legitimately offended. And I sighed deeply realizing I still have a long way to go.
But lately, I've heard a billion sermons and read so many books on the "ordinary". And it's been the most encouraging thing in my life. For soooo SOOOOO soooooooooo long I've hated my ordinary life. I hated the mundane. I wrote in my journal on May 28th: "I want to run away. Start over. Live differently somehow. I'm tired of the mundane. So sick of the predictable. Why do I feel as I write that it's exactly where God wants me? I HATE being here."
Haha, I think that was God trying to speak to me there. Maybe. Point is, I've always been so upset with being boring ol' Plain-Jane Sierra. I pitied myself, even. And then I heard Daniel Grothe speak on something so contrary to what I had thought God wanted for so long.
He just wants my small, ordinary, every-day moments. I decided when I die, I want to be known for living the most extraordinary ordinary life.
Daniel Grothe spoke about Moses, Mary, and Paul. They are the "heroes" of the faith, but they were two murderers and an unwed pregnant lady. We see them as heroes, but in their day I'm sure they were frowned upon. They were known for those few extraordinary parts in their life, but what about the rest of it?
What about David? He was chosen as he was tending to his sheep to be king. His dad didn't even consider him to be the king. And David was faithful to being a shepherd. And God still chose him. But what was he doing? The same thing he had probably been doing since he was young. Every day. And through his ordinary-ness, God saw him.
I just want to bring glory to God where I am. Today. Tomorrow. In my every day. I want my conversations to be full of wisdom. My motives to be of love. My coffee conversations to be building people up.
At girl time today we were asked "What is your vision for next year?"
Here's mine: I want to make the most of the everyday boring routine. I've had this huge vision of saving my whole high school for so long and then got discouraged when the day is done and I'm at my locker realizing I did really nothing to "win back my school for Christ." My vision is to focus on loving individual people. Get coffee with them. Pray for them. Serve them in whatever capacity I can.
And my vision for the future?
I want to live with purpose in my ordinary-ness. In complete surrender and abandonment to God's plan for my life. We all have a desire for greatness, and I haven't lost sight of the great things I think God wants to do with me. But I think the great things start with the small things and I so deeply want to please God in my every day. Which will probably be around 95% of my life. :)
I want to be an excellent student and employee. Doing my job to the best of my ability (even if it's at a fast food restaurant).I want my eyes to be open to seeing the needs of people at work and when I can serve people.
I want to, maybe more than anything, be an excellent wife and mother. I want to be a house wife or a teacher. I want to serve my family. Write letters, call, or e-mail friends to see how their heart is doing and asking what I can do to help. Open my house to anyone in need. Be willing to anything God is asking and inconvenience myself at times to help people.
I can't lose myself in the extraordinary when the ordinary moments have the opportunity to be extraordinary.
"Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything you do. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. Serve them sincerely because of your reverent fear for the Lord. Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you are working for the Lord rather than people."
- Colossians 4:22-23.
There's more about Job, but I'll write another blog.
I am happy, people. I am genuinely joyful. :)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Learning Times Two.
I've done a lot of learning between the last post and this one. It all started in the realization of what my last post stated- this realization that it is not about what I want. It is all about who He is. And let me tell you, my entire time of worship changed completely when I started worshiping who He is.
A couple Friday's ago I went to the Mill and in worship I found myself completely abandoned in worship. I couldn't get enough of just putting my emotions and myself aside and loving the God who saved me. This song spoke right into my heart, the chorus simply said: "Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah God you saved me." And as I sang those words my heart matched them, and I started laughing because I felt genuine joy I hadn't felt in so long. How incredible it is when I take my eyes off of myself. He is worthy.
I think sin sometimes does keep us from hearing God's voice. It places a wall between us and God where He simply can't reach because we've allowed it to take the place of Him. Isaiah 59:2 says "It's your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore."
That's kind of harsh, I feel.
But as I dissected this verse and understood that it wasn't because God was "mean", but because there is no way God can reach us if we continue to live in sin. And usually we don't need to confront God and ask God what our sins are, we can usually identify in ourselves our sin.
I realized mine was (is) pride. I have been trying to figure out my life by myself for so long. I wanted to fix myself and be someone better than who I was, but I didn't involve God in it at all. I didn't realize how focused on myself I became. "In his pride the wicked does not seek Him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God." - Psalm 10:4. Of course God can't get to me, in all my thoughts there is no room for Himself.
From my pride, too, stemmed my desire to be perfect. I noticed when I would be cleaning the lobby at Taco Bell and every night I would walk away so disappointed. I would be like, "Ugh. I could've done so much better..." And I started forming task lists and being so cautious in everything I did because at the end of the day I felt accomplished when it got all done. But my God times would always get pushed aside or shortened because this task list kept running through my mind.
I'm still definitely working on these things, because I am content in my task lists, honestly.
I was reading 1 Samuel 28:1-7 the other day and it says "He inquired of the Lord, but the Lord did not answer Him." Now, in context, Saul was one of God's anointed ones (1 Sam 26:11) and yet he kept disobeying God. He had so much sin, maybe that's why God refused to answer him. Maybe His silence suggested "I will not go onto another matter in your life until we deal with this one." Saul here was in a sticky situation, He was praying to Him out of desperation. But God refused to answer. Maybe because God wanted to be wanted beyond being a last resort.
I am working on the sin in my life that may be keeping this wall between me and Him. In the meantime, He is worthy of my time and attention and admiration.
A couple Friday's ago I went to the Mill and in worship I found myself completely abandoned in worship. I couldn't get enough of just putting my emotions and myself aside and loving the God who saved me. This song spoke right into my heart, the chorus simply said: "Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah God you saved me." And as I sang those words my heart matched them, and I started laughing because I felt genuine joy I hadn't felt in so long. How incredible it is when I take my eyes off of myself. He is worthy.
I think sin sometimes does keep us from hearing God's voice. It places a wall between us and God where He simply can't reach because we've allowed it to take the place of Him. Isaiah 59:2 says "It's your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore."
That's kind of harsh, I feel.
But as I dissected this verse and understood that it wasn't because God was "mean", but because there is no way God can reach us if we continue to live in sin. And usually we don't need to confront God and ask God what our sins are, we can usually identify in ourselves our sin.
I realized mine was (is) pride. I have been trying to figure out my life by myself for so long. I wanted to fix myself and be someone better than who I was, but I didn't involve God in it at all. I didn't realize how focused on myself I became. "In his pride the wicked does not seek Him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God." - Psalm 10:4. Of course God can't get to me, in all my thoughts there is no room for Himself.
From my pride, too, stemmed my desire to be perfect. I noticed when I would be cleaning the lobby at Taco Bell and every night I would walk away so disappointed. I would be like, "Ugh. I could've done so much better..." And I started forming task lists and being so cautious in everything I did because at the end of the day I felt accomplished when it got all done. But my God times would always get pushed aside or shortened because this task list kept running through my mind.
I'm still definitely working on these things, because I am content in my task lists, honestly.
I was reading 1 Samuel 28:1-7 the other day and it says "He inquired of the Lord, but the Lord did not answer Him." Now, in context, Saul was one of God's anointed ones (1 Sam 26:11) and yet he kept disobeying God. He had so much sin, maybe that's why God refused to answer him. Maybe His silence suggested "I will not go onto another matter in your life until we deal with this one." Saul here was in a sticky situation, He was praying to Him out of desperation. But God refused to answer. Maybe because God wanted to be wanted beyond being a last resort.
I am working on the sin in my life that may be keeping this wall between me and Him. In the meantime, He is worthy of my time and attention and admiration.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Learning.
It is 2:45 a.m. and I am up, pondering God and who He is.
I realized the other night, what am I doing to God? Who do I want Him to be?
I want God to be a friend. I want Him to be here.
But isn't there more to God than just a friend?
Is His friendship but a single attribute which makes Him God?
Just because I don't see this one attribute of Himself, I don't worship with my whole heart. Isn't His Holiness alone enough to worship?
God is much, much more than what I want Him to be right now.
I know God is faithful. I know He is Holy and unchangeable and has transformed my life. Is that not enough to worship?
My friend Jared said something interesting the other day. He said maybe God will take away His friendship attribute for awhile because we haven't fully embraced His Holiness.
I'm thinking out loud here- But maybe it's in a place of realization of how Holy He is that He will speak to me. When I am in admiration, not expecting anything from God but to be admired, isn't that often where we hear that familiar voice?
I realized the other night, what am I doing to God? Who do I want Him to be?
I want God to be a friend. I want Him to be here.
But isn't there more to God than just a friend?
Is His friendship but a single attribute which makes Him God?
Just because I don't see this one attribute of Himself, I don't worship with my whole heart. Isn't His Holiness alone enough to worship?
God is much, much more than what I want Him to be right now.
I know God is faithful. I know He is Holy and unchangeable and has transformed my life. Is that not enough to worship?
My friend Jared said something interesting the other day. He said maybe God will take away His friendship attribute for awhile because we haven't fully embraced His Holiness.
I'm thinking out loud here- But maybe it's in a place of realization of how Holy He is that He will speak to me. When I am in admiration, not expecting anything from God but to be admired, isn't that often where we hear that familiar voice?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Vulnerable.
I know I haven't blogged in awhile. And I just need some space here to be vulnerable about God- because I think so much of this that I'm struggling with, other people are/have too.
A couple months ago God convicted me of something I hadn't realized I was doing- taking his name in vain. No- I wasn't putting putting His name after "Oh my-" But I was saying God was saying something to me when I really wasn't sure if He was. I would start sentences with "God was showing me..." Or "God told me..." So flippantly and I didn't even realize it.
I had that conviction affirmed four times. I believe God will use what Margaret Feinberg (great author, check out her books) calls "Sacred Echos". I think if God wants to get something across to us, He will speak in repetition. One time I heard it through a sermon at the Mill. The second time my friend told me about sometimes we mistake God's voice for what our emotions want God to say. And then I read it in a book called The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer. And then again in the book of Romans. It kept being brought up back to back, and I began wondering; "Am I making up a God who I want to hear, or am I worshipping the God who actually exists?" So I told God I would be more conscious of what His voice sounds like. And then I wondered, have I ever known God's voice?
I started just reading the Bible- where I know God's voice to be found. I studied it and prayed and waited. But even just reading the Bible left me wanting a specific word directly to me. While I love the Bible- It's the word of God- I just wanted God's voice to be that familiar like it was to Paul and James and John. I wanted a sentence starting off with "Sierra, ..." and I became discouraged. I kept praying and praying and doing what I know to do: Reading my Bible, tithing, praying, etc. But after awhile, which is where I am now, I have to wonder, "Is this all there is to my relationship with God?"
My prayers had almost become, what I saw, as brick wall prayers. Just standing there muttering to the air hoping someone would hear it. Because I didn't know if anyone did. I asked for God to speak something to me. I told Him I missed Him. And when I did "hear" something, I doubted if it was God or if it was my emotions wanting God to sound like something familiar. You know- "I love you"'s, or "You are so beautiful." But I realized, all of those are just head knowledge. I think that if God speaks to us "I love you", it should destroy us in the realization.
And lately, God is becoming less of a personal God and more distant. I have no problem in recognizing the Holiness of God, the omnicient power of He who spoke me into existence. But I have such a hard time recognizing that God is my friend and desires to just spend time with me. I know God loves me, I just can't grasp that He likes me. I feel so small. He could take the Earth and everything I know away in just a word- why would He desire to speak a word to me? Am I just not receptive to hearing His voice? Am I so calloused and doubtful that He's screaming at me and I can't hear it? I'm a bit envious of Thomas who got to put his hand in Jesus', where the nail had pierced Him. I wish God could just be here with me.
I have so many questions like,
"What if God were with me as my friend now? What would our friendship look like?"
"Does God only speak at certain times, like when I am persistent? If so, why?"
"If we manipulate who God actually is all the time, who is God?"
I have so many questions, and I think it's okay. I think this is a good time in my life that is necessary to happen. Relationships are meant to be two-sided though, and it's not wrong of me to want to hear back. I would so much rather confront these questions head-on, then worship someone I don't actually know personally. I know so much about God- I know He has a lot to say. I know He loves me. I know He desires to talk to me. I know He gives rest to the weary. I just want to hear it. I want to hear the voice of the One who has given me these words to speak. I know His presence, and I see God everywhere I am- He created it all.
I simply just want to hear it.
I encourage you to ask questions too: until we start asking about God I wonder if we will ever know who God actually is to us. I think He will surprise you. I think you have questions too that God is wanting to answer. Maybe God will reveal Himself to you in repetition. Or maybe like Elijah in 1 Kings, He will show Himself to you in a whisper. But never stop seeking. Start being honest with God. Ask Him questions. But don't shy away from them, God wants all of our hearts: Even the questions.
"Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love- Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above."
A couple months ago God convicted me of something I hadn't realized I was doing- taking his name in vain. No- I wasn't putting putting His name after "Oh my-" But I was saying God was saying something to me when I really wasn't sure if He was. I would start sentences with "God was showing me..." Or "God told me..." So flippantly and I didn't even realize it.
I had that conviction affirmed four times. I believe God will use what Margaret Feinberg (great author, check out her books) calls "Sacred Echos". I think if God wants to get something across to us, He will speak in repetition. One time I heard it through a sermon at the Mill. The second time my friend told me about sometimes we mistake God's voice for what our emotions want God to say. And then I read it in a book called The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer. And then again in the book of Romans. It kept being brought up back to back, and I began wondering; "Am I making up a God who I want to hear, or am I worshipping the God who actually exists?" So I told God I would be more conscious of what His voice sounds like. And then I wondered, have I ever known God's voice?
I started just reading the Bible- where I know God's voice to be found. I studied it and prayed and waited. But even just reading the Bible left me wanting a specific word directly to me. While I love the Bible- It's the word of God- I just wanted God's voice to be that familiar like it was to Paul and James and John. I wanted a sentence starting off with "Sierra, ..." and I became discouraged. I kept praying and praying and doing what I know to do: Reading my Bible, tithing, praying, etc. But after awhile, which is where I am now, I have to wonder, "Is this all there is to my relationship with God?"
My prayers had almost become, what I saw, as brick wall prayers. Just standing there muttering to the air hoping someone would hear it. Because I didn't know if anyone did. I asked for God to speak something to me. I told Him I missed Him. And when I did "hear" something, I doubted if it was God or if it was my emotions wanting God to sound like something familiar. You know- "I love you"'s, or "You are so beautiful." But I realized, all of those are just head knowledge. I think that if God speaks to us "I love you", it should destroy us in the realization.
And lately, God is becoming less of a personal God and more distant. I have no problem in recognizing the Holiness of God, the omnicient power of He who spoke me into existence. But I have such a hard time recognizing that God is my friend and desires to just spend time with me. I know God loves me, I just can't grasp that He likes me. I feel so small. He could take the Earth and everything I know away in just a word- why would He desire to speak a word to me? Am I just not receptive to hearing His voice? Am I so calloused and doubtful that He's screaming at me and I can't hear it? I'm a bit envious of Thomas who got to put his hand in Jesus', where the nail had pierced Him. I wish God could just be here with me.
I have so many questions like,
"What if God were with me as my friend now? What would our friendship look like?"
"Does God only speak at certain times, like when I am persistent? If so, why?"
"If we manipulate who God actually is all the time, who is God?"
I have so many questions, and I think it's okay. I think this is a good time in my life that is necessary to happen. Relationships are meant to be two-sided though, and it's not wrong of me to want to hear back. I would so much rather confront these questions head-on, then worship someone I don't actually know personally. I know so much about God- I know He has a lot to say. I know He loves me. I know He desires to talk to me. I know He gives rest to the weary. I just want to hear it. I want to hear the voice of the One who has given me these words to speak. I know His presence, and I see God everywhere I am- He created it all.
I simply just want to hear it.
I encourage you to ask questions too: until we start asking about God I wonder if we will ever know who God actually is to us. I think He will surprise you. I think you have questions too that God is wanting to answer. Maybe God will reveal Himself to you in repetition. Or maybe like Elijah in 1 Kings, He will show Himself to you in a whisper. But never stop seeking. Start being honest with God. Ask Him questions. But don't shy away from them, God wants all of our hearts: Even the questions.
"Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love- Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above."
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Stole it from the Sister.
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, p. 121:
To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Food for thought.
"If God gives you a watch, are you honoring him more by asking what time it is, or simply consulting the watch?" - A.W. Tozer.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Levi.
(I started writing this two weeks ago. And just got around to finishing it.)
Today at school was such a heavy day. Another senior at our school died on Saturday in a car accident.
For most of us, there are no words to accurately describe the loss we feel, but cling on to the knowledge that the whole school shares in the grief. There is no doubt Levi made a profound impact on our lives. But many of us are at a loss for what to feel, and a lot of questions spring up. I've heard so many, "Why did God do this to someone so young?" questions, or simply the pithy "Why?" that accurately describes the lack of words we face as we grieve. I've heard God's name mentioned in more status' over this than I've seen in awhile. I've seen a lot of Bible verses, encouraging words, and also a lot of blame toward God. And I'm definitely not going to write a blog saying how to deal with such a loss, I think time has to run it's course as we all pray and love each other through it.
I wish all of us could understand God's perspective. He promised our life would be "but a breath" (Psalm 39:5), but when someone is 70-80, it seems okay that they die because they've lived a long life. But when kids and teenagers like Levi die so unexpectedly, it seems unfair. In actuatlity, though, life is just a breath no matter how long. Eternity is well, FOREVER, and our finite brains can only understand what we know, which is this breath of a life we know. We can only understand so much, we are so trapped in this concept of time we know. We know one time, and how worldy our perception is. Yet, it is all we can understand... Indeed, we are trapped.
It is okay to be grieving though. I hate when people pass death off with, "well, they are in a better place now, so let's all rejoice." As true as that may be, it is our nature to mourn when there is death. Even Jesus cried over his friend Lazarus when he died, though he knew fully well that he would be raised from the dead in a matter of moments. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes, "(There is) a time to be born and a time to die... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance." (3:2;4) When Jesus was crying, many people said, "'but this man healed a blind man. Couldn't he have kept Lazarus from dying?' (John 11:37) This is exactly the same question we ask God after any death. "Why God? Why so young? You did (Fill in the blank here) so why couldn't you (fill in the blank here)?" And as much as we want to figure out why things happened the way they did, God wants our hearts and our lives and to trust Him with the things we don't understand.
I don't think Levi was supposed to die. But he did, and although it hurts incredibly, God is Holy and omnipotent and still fully powerful. And who are we to tell God what He ought to have done? Now is the time to grieve and mourn. But there will be rejoicing and I think a lot of lives saved through the tragedy. What an incredible man Levi was, we will miss him terribly.
Today at school was such a heavy day. Another senior at our school died on Saturday in a car accident.
For most of us, there are no words to accurately describe the loss we feel, but cling on to the knowledge that the whole school shares in the grief. There is no doubt Levi made a profound impact on our lives. But many of us are at a loss for what to feel, and a lot of questions spring up. I've heard so many, "Why did God do this to someone so young?" questions, or simply the pithy "Why?" that accurately describes the lack of words we face as we grieve. I've heard God's name mentioned in more status' over this than I've seen in awhile. I've seen a lot of Bible verses, encouraging words, and also a lot of blame toward God. And I'm definitely not going to write a blog saying how to deal with such a loss, I think time has to run it's course as we all pray and love each other through it.
I wish all of us could understand God's perspective. He promised our life would be "but a breath" (Psalm 39:5), but when someone is 70-80, it seems okay that they die because they've lived a long life. But when kids and teenagers like Levi die so unexpectedly, it seems unfair. In actuatlity, though, life is just a breath no matter how long. Eternity is well, FOREVER, and our finite brains can only understand what we know, which is this breath of a life we know. We can only understand so much, we are so trapped in this concept of time we know. We know one time, and how worldy our perception is. Yet, it is all we can understand... Indeed, we are trapped.
It is okay to be grieving though. I hate when people pass death off with, "well, they are in a better place now, so let's all rejoice." As true as that may be, it is our nature to mourn when there is death. Even Jesus cried over his friend Lazarus when he died, though he knew fully well that he would be raised from the dead in a matter of moments. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes, "(There is) a time to be born and a time to die... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance." (3:2;4) When Jesus was crying, many people said, "'but this man healed a blind man. Couldn't he have kept Lazarus from dying?' (John 11:37) This is exactly the same question we ask God after any death. "Why God? Why so young? You did (Fill in the blank here) so why couldn't you (fill in the blank here)?" And as much as we want to figure out why things happened the way they did, God wants our hearts and our lives and to trust Him with the things we don't understand.
I don't think Levi was supposed to die. But he did, and although it hurts incredibly, God is Holy and omnipotent and still fully powerful. And who are we to tell God what He ought to have done? Now is the time to grieve and mourn. But there will be rejoicing and I think a lot of lives saved through the tragedy. What an incredible man Levi was, we will miss him terribly.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Rest.
Rest(n):Relief or freedom, esp. from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.
Here is the dictionary definition for Rest.
My definition for rest is... non-existent.
Today was the first day for a few months I haven't had to work, and I haven't had to babysit. I had no idea what to do with myself. I sure "rested" by sleeping in until eleven, and then did my routine of laundry and chores and then went to the mall with my sister. But when I was by myself, in my room, doing nothing... I cried. Nothing happened at the mall, nothing happened yesterday to make me sad, but when I had nothing to do, emotions just flooded me.
I am busy all the time. My schedule usually consists of: School, work, homework, God time, sleep. Weekends: Clean my room, do my chores, do laundy, do my homework, work, God time, babysit, sleep. Repeat.
And I am exhausted. My Spirit is so tired and overloaded with schedules. I was talking to my sister about this,and she asked me, "Are you tired often? I'm going and going yet God is providing energy for me. It's good." And as I read that, I pondered the question and chuckled to myself. YES. I want God to provide energy for me, because I'm just exhausted!
I'm realizing rest is letting God take over the busy parts of my life completetly. Because there is no doubt that all of that is tiring, but God is bigger and desires that we find our rest in Him.
I wrote a song today when I was realizing this need in my heart for rest:
The way you love my Lord amazes me.
The voice I hear you speaking, it captures me.
How I long to be with you and finally see
Your majesty, your beauty.
I will not rest, 'til you're here with me, and I finally see your face.
I will not rest, 'til my throat is dry, proclaiming I am yours.
I will not rest, 'til I've stood the test and finally I'm home.
So come and live where only you can give me rest.
Only God can give me that rest the dictionary is talking about: the rest that frees us from wearies, troubles and burdens.
"Find rest my soul, confess your weary, surrender all, embrace your healing..."
Here is the dictionary definition for Rest.
My definition for rest is... non-existent.
Today was the first day for a few months I haven't had to work, and I haven't had to babysit. I had no idea what to do with myself. I sure "rested" by sleeping in until eleven, and then did my routine of laundry and chores and then went to the mall with my sister. But when I was by myself, in my room, doing nothing... I cried. Nothing happened at the mall, nothing happened yesterday to make me sad, but when I had nothing to do, emotions just flooded me.
I am busy all the time. My schedule usually consists of: School, work, homework, God time, sleep. Weekends: Clean my room, do my chores, do laundy, do my homework, work, God time, babysit, sleep. Repeat.
And I am exhausted. My Spirit is so tired and overloaded with schedules. I was talking to my sister about this,and she asked me, "Are you tired often? I'm going and going yet God is providing energy for me. It's good." And as I read that, I pondered the question and chuckled to myself. YES. I want God to provide energy for me, because I'm just exhausted!
I'm realizing rest is letting God take over the busy parts of my life completetly. Because there is no doubt that all of that is tiring, but God is bigger and desires that we find our rest in Him.
I wrote a song today when I was realizing this need in my heart for rest:
The way you love my Lord amazes me.
The voice I hear you speaking, it captures me.
How I long to be with you and finally see
Your majesty, your beauty.
I will not rest, 'til you're here with me, and I finally see your face.
I will not rest, 'til my throat is dry, proclaiming I am yours.
I will not rest, 'til I've stood the test and finally I'm home.
So come and live where only you can give me rest.
Only God can give me that rest the dictionary is talking about: the rest that frees us from wearies, troubles and burdens.
"Find rest my soul, confess your weary, surrender all, embrace your healing..."
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Genuine.
I want to be that word. Genuine. I want to be a lot more honest than I am right now.
That's all.
Sometime I'll have to do a blog on insecurities. I've been meaning too, but I haven't been getting around to it. Honestly, I am burnt out right now and just need to sleep.
Yaaay honesty.
That's all.
Sometime I'll have to do a blog on insecurities. I've been meaning too, but I haven't been getting around to it. Honestly, I am burnt out right now and just need to sleep.
Yaaay honesty.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Stories.
Stories. I love stories. I love hearing stories from people. My new favorite activity is to ask older couples their love story. I love hearing my parent's love story. The way they light up when they talk about how they met and how they fell in love, and how they have the little arguments over the most minute detail when one of them tells it is so precious to me. I ask them questions all the time just to hear them light up again.
I asked my aunt and uncle how they got engaged and this was how it went down: My Uncle started off smiling and then he said, "Well. I was going to take her out to dinner, and I was wearing a beige suit..." And my Aunt interrupts, "No, it was a white suit, dear." "Really? No. It was beige." And then she ponders it... "No! It was just a simple black." And then they both laugh, lost in the memory.
I love asking the story behind how the guy asked the girl out, or how they got engaged. People love to tell their stories. And my new goal is to get people talking about their story. (And not just love stories- I mostly mean our life story). Let's be honest: We like talking about our lives. We like telling people how we grew up and the little things that tick us off, we like people to laugh at our embarrassing stories. Because it all shows the person we are. Why we are. How we became the way we are. And people's stories to me are significant.
Sometimes, we even tell other people's love stories. I recently heard my best friend tell me about her boyfriend's parents love story. When we (and maybe I'm only speaking to girls...) hear these stories, we long for that kind of story. Something within us starts to think, "I want that kind of love." And our story is no longer significant. This, of course, is always dangerous. Comparison to another story always sets up for jealousy and insecurity and a need to measure up.
However, I wish we could tell our testimonies more like love stories. We remember everything about love stories: How they met. How they learned they liked each other. How they started dating. How thy got engaged. Etc. We know every tiny detail because we love them and we love the story. If I could sit in a room with a bunch of high school girls, I'm sure we could have hours of conversation about our first kisses. And they'd all be different, and I'm sure no one would've just forgotten it. But when we tell our testimony, why don't our faces light up at the mention of Jesus saving us? Are we so in love with Him to recall all of the times He's romanced us, or spoken directly to us? Can you recall when you first personally met Him?
I want to light up the way my parents do at the mention of my Love's name. I want to hear the love stories of Jesus from my friends. All Jesus did for us was a love story. John 3:16, so familiar, "God so LOVED the world... He gave Jesus." To save us. To love us. To win us back. What an amazing love story; that the God of the ages would send Jesus to win back His Bride.
And our love story with Jesus cannot be fed by a desire to have someone else's story. No two stories should be the same. If we are content with hearing one story of Jesus' incredible encounter with one person, we have instantly lost the connection that Jesus so desires we know of Him.
Certainly, the love we know between a man and woman is an incredible thing. But I think it's an illustration of God's love for us, and our testimonies should just bleed with the knowledge of that love.
I don't want to ever forget he day Jesus saved me. I want to proclaim my story. And I want to know yours. (whoever you are.)
I asked my aunt and uncle how they got engaged and this was how it went down: My Uncle started off smiling and then he said, "Well. I was going to take her out to dinner, and I was wearing a beige suit..." And my Aunt interrupts, "No, it was a white suit, dear." "Really? No. It was beige." And then she ponders it... "No! It was just a simple black." And then they both laugh, lost in the memory.
I love asking the story behind how the guy asked the girl out, or how they got engaged. People love to tell their stories. And my new goal is to get people talking about their story. (And not just love stories- I mostly mean our life story). Let's be honest: We like talking about our lives. We like telling people how we grew up and the little things that tick us off, we like people to laugh at our embarrassing stories. Because it all shows the person we are. Why we are. How we became the way we are. And people's stories to me are significant.
Sometimes, we even tell other people's love stories. I recently heard my best friend tell me about her boyfriend's parents love story. When we (and maybe I'm only speaking to girls...) hear these stories, we long for that kind of story. Something within us starts to think, "I want that kind of love." And our story is no longer significant. This, of course, is always dangerous. Comparison to another story always sets up for jealousy and insecurity and a need to measure up.
However, I wish we could tell our testimonies more like love stories. We remember everything about love stories: How they met. How they learned they liked each other. How they started dating. How thy got engaged. Etc. We know every tiny detail because we love them and we love the story. If I could sit in a room with a bunch of high school girls, I'm sure we could have hours of conversation about our first kisses. And they'd all be different, and I'm sure no one would've just forgotten it. But when we tell our testimony, why don't our faces light up at the mention of Jesus saving us? Are we so in love with Him to recall all of the times He's romanced us, or spoken directly to us? Can you recall when you first personally met Him?
I want to light up the way my parents do at the mention of my Love's name. I want to hear the love stories of Jesus from my friends. All Jesus did for us was a love story. John 3:16, so familiar, "God so LOVED the world... He gave Jesus." To save us. To love us. To win us back. What an amazing love story; that the God of the ages would send Jesus to win back His Bride.
And our love story with Jesus cannot be fed by a desire to have someone else's story. No two stories should be the same. If we are content with hearing one story of Jesus' incredible encounter with one person, we have instantly lost the connection that Jesus so desires we know of Him.
Certainly, the love we know between a man and woman is an incredible thing. But I think it's an illustration of God's love for us, and our testimonies should just bleed with the knowledge of that love.
I don't want to ever forget he day Jesus saved me. I want to proclaim my story. And I want to know yours. (whoever you are.)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Paintings.
I have a control problem. Yep, I like it. I like knowing what to expect. I like knowing that if I do A, the outcome will be B.
God never intended this for me. God doesn't ever desire we reign over His plan for us.
I went on a run at sunset and ended up at the football field. I sat down and watched the sunset and closed my eyes thinking of the incredible artist God is. And as I was sitting there I got a picture of me painting on an eisel. As I stood there I was so concentrated on drawing the perfect picture. My mind was set around my perception of beauty, and I would not rest until this picture was captured on paper. But as I tried to draw, my hand was violently shaking, and all my pictures were messed up. I threw away paper upon paper ad got so frustrated. Finally, I stared at he paper crying, but kept painting, determining I would get it right and beautiful one of those times.
Then a man behind me came up and told me, "Wow. What an incredible painting." And I stared at him and I said, "No. Are you kidding me? Once it starts looking beautiful, something wrong happens. And it's ugly again." Then he came closer and said, "Isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? All you need is a steady hand."
Then he took my hand and started painting with me. Once he was done, he stepped back and I was confused. This painting was not at all what I imagined. This picture encapsulated no beauty of mine. It was abstract and confusing to look at. I didn't like it and got frustrated.
"Thanks...But I think I had a different idea..." I started.
"Of beauty? Yes. This is not at all your idea of beauty. But no matter what you paint you can't paint it without a steady hand."
"Oh yeah? Watch me." I told him defiantly. I could draw a beautiful picture.
Over and over again I tried and failed and finally looked over at him and asked him, "Will you help me?" And he smiled and took my hand and said, "Are you willing to give me the paintbrush?"
I would love to tell God, "Of course! Here you go. I want none of my plans. Take it, it's yours." But I need to be genuine and say that I really don't know how. It's not Him drawing a picture WITH me,like the first time, but it's Him completely taking my paintbrush. But never without my consent. God can never take my life over if I don't give it to Him. But this is what God desires of me. That I would be able to surrender all of my plans and give Him what belonged to him the in the first place.
The picture I paint will always be so messed up. And even if the picture God paints isn't beautiful in my eyes, God knows what He's doing. And I don't. And it's incredible that God finds my failed attempts beautiful. He loves me, this I know!
God never intended this for me. God doesn't ever desire we reign over His plan for us.
I went on a run at sunset and ended up at the football field. I sat down and watched the sunset and closed my eyes thinking of the incredible artist God is. And as I was sitting there I got a picture of me painting on an eisel. As I stood there I was so concentrated on drawing the perfect picture. My mind was set around my perception of beauty, and I would not rest until this picture was captured on paper. But as I tried to draw, my hand was violently shaking, and all my pictures were messed up. I threw away paper upon paper ad got so frustrated. Finally, I stared at he paper crying, but kept painting, determining I would get it right and beautiful one of those times.
Then a man behind me came up and told me, "Wow. What an incredible painting." And I stared at him and I said, "No. Are you kidding me? Once it starts looking beautiful, something wrong happens. And it's ugly again." Then he came closer and said, "Isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? All you need is a steady hand."
Then he took my hand and started painting with me. Once he was done, he stepped back and I was confused. This painting was not at all what I imagined. This picture encapsulated no beauty of mine. It was abstract and confusing to look at. I didn't like it and got frustrated.
"Thanks...But I think I had a different idea..." I started.
"Of beauty? Yes. This is not at all your idea of beauty. But no matter what you paint you can't paint it without a steady hand."
"Oh yeah? Watch me." I told him defiantly. I could draw a beautiful picture.
Over and over again I tried and failed and finally looked over at him and asked him, "Will you help me?" And he smiled and took my hand and said, "Are you willing to give me the paintbrush?"
I would love to tell God, "Of course! Here you go. I want none of my plans. Take it, it's yours." But I need to be genuine and say that I really don't know how. It's not Him drawing a picture WITH me,like the first time, but it's Him completely taking my paintbrush. But never without my consent. God can never take my life over if I don't give it to Him. But this is what God desires of me. That I would be able to surrender all of my plans and give Him what belonged to him the in the first place.
The picture I paint will always be so messed up. And even if the picture God paints isn't beautiful in my eyes, God knows what He's doing. And I don't. And it's incredible that God finds my failed attempts beautiful. He loves me, this I know!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Unforgiveness.
So here I am again, almost midnight (why do I ALWAYS write blogs at this time of night?) and I'm feeling very convicted. Unforgiveness is such a damaging sin. I suppose most are, but unforgiveness has the opportunity to really damage your life if you don't identify it and rid of it.
I tend to think of myself as a pretty merciful person. If someone does something wrong to me, I will analyze the situation to death and make sure i'm not just being emotional. If they do something obviously wrong, I am usually able to look at the big picture and move on and forgive and not even look back on it again when I talk to them. I try my very hardest not to keep a recod of wrongs with anyone, and for the most part, I think I do pretty well at that.
However, if it was a long process of them hurting me, or it took a lot of emotion and a lot of time to get over the hurt, the unforgiveness just harbors itself into the deepest part of my heart and only gets brought up when I hear that person's name or when I'm with them. But I try to ignore it and swollow back the pain because it's not worth it. And I convince myself I've forgiven the person and moved on, but recently this hasn't been the case.
I've been very convicted lately because I realized how bitter and hurt my heart is toward a few people. And it hurts me I am so bitter toward them. I can't pray for them the same or talk to them the same. I realize when I talk to them, I don't want to tell them about my life, and i usually only ask them about there's out of spite. It becomes a thing I have to do. I pray for them for the same reason. I really do want the best for that person, but my prayers become very dry and routine. "Bless this person. Speak to them. Show them who you are." I mean it, but my heart isn't entirely in it. I've lost the love I think Jesus desires I have.
I think most of us kind of skip over that verse saying "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." -Matthew 5:43-45.
Love them. Not only pray for them out of spite, but love them. Love them like Jesus loves them. Pray for their well-being. Pray that they would know a love Jesus like Jesus loves them. Does it say we need to reconcile with the person who hurt us? No. In Ephesians 4:32 it talks about how we need to be compassionate and forgive them because Jesus has forgiven us, but there's no promise saying "then you and the person who has hurt you shall be all good again and everything will be okay."
All he requires is 1) Love them. 2) Pray for them. 3) Forgive them. This is not a magical formula though, there is no promise anything will change. But it's what He desires from us.
I pray Jesus would give me eyes to see his sons and daughters like He does.
At the same time, I'm thankful that our God is so full of mercy and that He never keeps a record of wrongs. He's cast our sin as far as the East is from the West. How incredible.
Now I've identified it. Time to rid of it. It's made it's stay too long.
I tend to think of myself as a pretty merciful person. If someone does something wrong to me, I will analyze the situation to death and make sure i'm not just being emotional. If they do something obviously wrong, I am usually able to look at the big picture and move on and forgive and not even look back on it again when I talk to them. I try my very hardest not to keep a recod of wrongs with anyone, and for the most part, I think I do pretty well at that.
However, if it was a long process of them hurting me, or it took a lot of emotion and a lot of time to get over the hurt, the unforgiveness just harbors itself into the deepest part of my heart and only gets brought up when I hear that person's name or when I'm with them. But I try to ignore it and swollow back the pain because it's not worth it. And I convince myself I've forgiven the person and moved on, but recently this hasn't been the case.
I've been very convicted lately because I realized how bitter and hurt my heart is toward a few people. And it hurts me I am so bitter toward them. I can't pray for them the same or talk to them the same. I realize when I talk to them, I don't want to tell them about my life, and i usually only ask them about there's out of spite. It becomes a thing I have to do. I pray for them for the same reason. I really do want the best for that person, but my prayers become very dry and routine. "Bless this person. Speak to them. Show them who you are." I mean it, but my heart isn't entirely in it. I've lost the love I think Jesus desires I have.
I think most of us kind of skip over that verse saying "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." -Matthew 5:43-45.
Love them. Not only pray for them out of spite, but love them. Love them like Jesus loves them. Pray for their well-being. Pray that they would know a love Jesus like Jesus loves them. Does it say we need to reconcile with the person who hurt us? No. In Ephesians 4:32 it talks about how we need to be compassionate and forgive them because Jesus has forgiven us, but there's no promise saying "then you and the person who has hurt you shall be all good again and everything will be okay."
All he requires is 1) Love them. 2) Pray for them. 3) Forgive them. This is not a magical formula though, there is no promise anything will change. But it's what He desires from us.
I pray Jesus would give me eyes to see his sons and daughters like He does.
At the same time, I'm thankful that our God is so full of mercy and that He never keeps a record of wrongs. He's cast our sin as far as the East is from the West. How incredible.
Now I've identified it. Time to rid of it. It's made it's stay too long.
"Quotation."
I've been finding good quotes lately and wanted to put them somewhere. Here they are:
Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We woman have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man's last romance.
~ Oscar Wilde
If God gives you a watch, are you honoring Him more by asking Him what time it is or by simply consulting the watch?
~ A.W. Tozer
One hundred religious persons knit into a unity by careful organizations do not constitute a church any more than eleven dead men make a football team. The first requisite is life, always.
~ A.W. Tozer
There's definitely more but that's all I feel like blogging for now. :)
Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We woman have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man's last romance.
~ Oscar Wilde
If God gives you a watch, are you honoring Him more by asking Him what time it is or by simply consulting the watch?
~ A.W. Tozer
One hundred religious persons knit into a unity by careful organizations do not constitute a church any more than eleven dead men make a football team. The first requisite is life, always.
~ A.W. Tozer
There's definitely more but that's all I feel like blogging for now. :)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sleepless Sierra.
'Ello poppet(s)!
I hate those times when you lie in bed and you're really tired but can't fall asleep. Yep, that is me right now.
I hate getting caught up in pointless emotion. I've just been realizing lately how it's really not about me at all... and never has been. I'm tired of living a life so revolved around me that I can't see what God wants for me.
God's just been fixing my perspective lately to see how small I am and how huge and magnificent and Holy He is. And when that happens, all these minute problems fade. They simply just don't matter. God deserves this of me: To surrender my emotions and my time into His hands.
This kind of seems like a repeat of my January 9th entry (I think that's when it was...) But I think I'll be getting these revelations often. I think every morning we have to wake up and fix our perspective again and again upon God and not on ourselves. It's incredible how amazing I felt when I posted that one on January whatever, and God still speaks to me over and over about that. I think often we have to be told numerous times for our tiny human brains to get it. "Sierra, I am Holy. You are mine. I am jealous for your heart. Now fix your eyes on me." And sometimes we get it the first time and our world is changed, but often God will repeat it again and again. How patient God is with us...
That seems very elementary. But my heart is realizing it. It's refreshing to feel not so caught up in the world to where all I can focus on is this moment and these emotions. At the core of it all, I want to know more of God and His plans for me instead of mine. I'm tired of wanting to control it.
"Oh that we might know the Lord, let us press on to know Him!"
-Hosea 6:3.
"A spiritual kingdom lies all about us, enclosing us, embracing us, altogether within reach of our inner selves, waiting for us to recognize it. God Himself is here waiting for our response to His presence. This eternal world will come alive to us the moment we begin to reckon upon its reality." -A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God.
I've been realizing this for awhile, and now I'm just writing it down. I want to live with an eternal perspective to see what God wants. That is all.
Gooooodnight.
I hate those times when you lie in bed and you're really tired but can't fall asleep. Yep, that is me right now.
I hate getting caught up in pointless emotion. I've just been realizing lately how it's really not about me at all... and never has been. I'm tired of living a life so revolved around me that I can't see what God wants for me.
God's just been fixing my perspective lately to see how small I am and how huge and magnificent and Holy He is. And when that happens, all these minute problems fade. They simply just don't matter. God deserves this of me: To surrender my emotions and my time into His hands.
This kind of seems like a repeat of my January 9th entry (I think that's when it was...) But I think I'll be getting these revelations often. I think every morning we have to wake up and fix our perspective again and again upon God and not on ourselves. It's incredible how amazing I felt when I posted that one on January whatever, and God still speaks to me over and over about that. I think often we have to be told numerous times for our tiny human brains to get it. "Sierra, I am Holy. You are mine. I am jealous for your heart. Now fix your eyes on me." And sometimes we get it the first time and our world is changed, but often God will repeat it again and again. How patient God is with us...
That seems very elementary. But my heart is realizing it. It's refreshing to feel not so caught up in the world to where all I can focus on is this moment and these emotions. At the core of it all, I want to know more of God and His plans for me instead of mine. I'm tired of wanting to control it.
"Oh that we might know the Lord, let us press on to know Him!"
-Hosea 6:3.
"A spiritual kingdom lies all about us, enclosing us, embracing us, altogether within reach of our inner selves, waiting for us to recognize it. God Himself is here waiting for our response to His presence. This eternal world will come alive to us the moment we begin to reckon upon its reality." -A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God.
I've been realizing this for awhile, and now I'm just writing it down. I want to live with an eternal perspective to see what God wants. That is all.
Gooooodnight.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Toothpaste.
Did you know that if you put a toothpaste on a zit overnight you will wake up and it will be gone? Well, that works for me anyway. It's like a miracle.It's supposed to dry it up or something, which sounds really disgusting. But I don't care. If it's gone, that's all I care. I hate zits!
Anyway, I've been asking for God's heart lately for what breaks his heart and for what He loves. And He certainly has. And a lot of girl's just break my heart in my school.
One of my best friends was telling me gossip about some sophomore neither of us know. And it was about how far this girl went with a guy and how everyone just calls her "whore" and she just laughs it off and goes to the next guy. I just broke down. I felt nothing but compassion for this girl. Seriously, neither of us had ever met this girl and the only reputation she has is a whore. I've heard plenty of other gossip about other people. And so many friends I talk to are like "well, we haven't had sex. But honestly, everything before that has pretty much happened." And so many girls just voluntarily compromise themselves and it breaks my heart they're just used like that and don't even realize it.
It's becoming more and more acceptable to give yourself away. It's incredibly sad to me that girl's feel as though they have to do this in order to please the guy. Guys have stopped really trying with girl's. (And i'm talking about the average girls/guys in high school.) There's no pursuing done most of the time, and a lot of girl's just voluntarily throw themselves out to guys, just longing to be told they are beautiful and wanted. Usually, this results in broken hearts, messy emotions, and lots of trust issues later on in life. But what a girl would give for that moment of affirmation...
Everytime I think about this, my heart completely breaks. I can't help but think the potential in these girls who know nothing about the love Jesus has for them.
It is so incredibly sad that most girl's think that the love they know is the most love they could ever know. There is no knowledge of a perfect love that drives out fear. Or loves them through no matter what they do. They know love as a word that often gets thrown around, and once it's gone, it's up to another guy to fill the last void. This goes for guys too, but especially girls who don't know Jesus don't know that there is someone always pursuing, always loving them.
I came to that last realization of a friend I have who broke up with her boyfriend and now is completely heartbroken. That was the love she knew, and that love was completely perverted and now she doesn't know what love is. She has no knowledge of any other love. How sad. :(
I have a passion for women to see the love of Jesus. I'm tired of seeing ladies compromising themselves and hurting later because they don't know that they are beautiful. We are longing for someone to tell us we are beautiful and loved, and I want to share that love.
Anyway, I've been asking for God's heart lately for what breaks his heart and for what He loves. And He certainly has. And a lot of girl's just break my heart in my school.
One of my best friends was telling me gossip about some sophomore neither of us know. And it was about how far this girl went with a guy and how everyone just calls her "whore" and she just laughs it off and goes to the next guy. I just broke down. I felt nothing but compassion for this girl. Seriously, neither of us had ever met this girl and the only reputation she has is a whore. I've heard plenty of other gossip about other people. And so many friends I talk to are like "well, we haven't had sex. But honestly, everything before that has pretty much happened." And so many girls just voluntarily compromise themselves and it breaks my heart they're just used like that and don't even realize it.
It's becoming more and more acceptable to give yourself away. It's incredibly sad to me that girl's feel as though they have to do this in order to please the guy. Guys have stopped really trying with girl's. (And i'm talking about the average girls/guys in high school.) There's no pursuing done most of the time, and a lot of girl's just voluntarily throw themselves out to guys, just longing to be told they are beautiful and wanted. Usually, this results in broken hearts, messy emotions, and lots of trust issues later on in life. But what a girl would give for that moment of affirmation...
Everytime I think about this, my heart completely breaks. I can't help but think the potential in these girls who know nothing about the love Jesus has for them.
It is so incredibly sad that most girl's think that the love they know is the most love they could ever know. There is no knowledge of a perfect love that drives out fear. Or loves them through no matter what they do. They know love as a word that often gets thrown around, and once it's gone, it's up to another guy to fill the last void. This goes for guys too, but especially girls who don't know Jesus don't know that there is someone always pursuing, always loving them.
I came to that last realization of a friend I have who broke up with her boyfriend and now is completely heartbroken. That was the love she knew, and that love was completely perverted and now she doesn't know what love is. She has no knowledge of any other love. How sad. :(
I have a passion for women to see the love of Jesus. I'm tired of seeing ladies compromising themselves and hurting later because they don't know that they are beautiful. We are longing for someone to tell us we are beautiful and loved, and I want to share that love.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Metathesiophobia.
Metathesiophobia: The fear of change.
I think "phobias" are dumb, i just wanted a name for this blog other than "the fear of change." Thought it was creative... It's really not though. :) hehe.
I've just been realizing lately how consistent I am. I like things staying the same for a long time.
I like knowing that on Friday's I get gas in my car and everytime it costs around ten dollars. I like knowing every other Wednesday is payday and I organize my money accordingly. I have about 6 different funds and a percentage of all my money goes in each of them. I go to the mill every friday and do chores and clean my room on saturday. I wear jeans and a t-shirt almost every day. I like tradition. I like being at the same church and at the same school and in the same state for all of my life. I like Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions and it's the same every year. I like being extremely organized in my school work and knowing what to expect for the next week. I've had a 3.7 GPA for all of my high school life, every semester. All As and 2 Bs. I like knowing I will be going to ORU,and that's just it. i don't want to go anywhere else. I like people staying in my life and when I leave I get really hurt, because again, I like consistency. I just like them there. And then I have to find a new constant or accept that whatever fills it is the new constant.
And I think that with consistency, my life is just going well. But when things are chaotic and out of the normal that I want, I just freak out. And I think this is one of my biggest downfalls. To be completely honest, I don't know if God told me to do something radical that I would do it. Because I just like to know what will happen.
The thing is though, God likes to take us out of our comfort zones. I just feel like sometime in my life my "constant" will be shaken up and I'll have to trust God with it. Because God is always constant, i can trust Him with this world, which is not. Consistency for me I think may be one of my idols: A thing just taking the place where God is supposed to be. And of course, it's not like its completely bad, it's very useful. But, if it distracts you from going toward what God wants you to do, it is. If i let it, I can just be stuck in the constant my whole life.
Ughhh, no. I think God has much bigger plans for me than the ones I have for myself!
Who knows? Maybe I'll start getting gas on Sunday afternoons and going to somewhere in South Carolina to become a doctor someday. ;) I'm not sure. I obviously just figured this out about myself so I'm still praying about this. New thoughts.
And there it is. I think I have figured out a lot about myself that really changes my perspective on why I deal with some stuff the way I do and what really influences my decisions. Hmmm. Intriguing.
I think "phobias" are dumb, i just wanted a name for this blog other than "the fear of change." Thought it was creative... It's really not though. :) hehe.
I've just been realizing lately how consistent I am. I like things staying the same for a long time.
I like knowing that on Friday's I get gas in my car and everytime it costs around ten dollars. I like knowing every other Wednesday is payday and I organize my money accordingly. I have about 6 different funds and a percentage of all my money goes in each of them. I go to the mill every friday and do chores and clean my room on saturday. I wear jeans and a t-shirt almost every day. I like tradition. I like being at the same church and at the same school and in the same state for all of my life. I like Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions and it's the same every year. I like being extremely organized in my school work and knowing what to expect for the next week. I've had a 3.7 GPA for all of my high school life, every semester. All As and 2 Bs. I like knowing I will be going to ORU,and that's just it. i don't want to go anywhere else. I like people staying in my life and when I leave I get really hurt, because again, I like consistency. I just like them there. And then I have to find a new constant or accept that whatever fills it is the new constant.
And I think that with consistency, my life is just going well. But when things are chaotic and out of the normal that I want, I just freak out. And I think this is one of my biggest downfalls. To be completely honest, I don't know if God told me to do something radical that I would do it. Because I just like to know what will happen.
The thing is though, God likes to take us out of our comfort zones. I just feel like sometime in my life my "constant" will be shaken up and I'll have to trust God with it. Because God is always constant, i can trust Him with this world, which is not. Consistency for me I think may be one of my idols: A thing just taking the place where God is supposed to be. And of course, it's not like its completely bad, it's very useful. But, if it distracts you from going toward what God wants you to do, it is. If i let it, I can just be stuck in the constant my whole life.
Ughhh, no. I think God has much bigger plans for me than the ones I have for myself!
Who knows? Maybe I'll start getting gas on Sunday afternoons and going to somewhere in South Carolina to become a doctor someday. ;) I'm not sure. I obviously just figured this out about myself so I'm still praying about this. New thoughts.
And there it is. I think I have figured out a lot about myself that really changes my perspective on why I deal with some stuff the way I do and what really influences my decisions. Hmmm. Intriguing.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
What do I know of Holy?
So, I'm not much of a fan of posting song lyrics most of the time (it's such a typical blog-y thing to do) or addison road, but these lyrics are just beautiful to me. I'm actually not even a fan of the song's melody, which is a bummer because the lyrics are just so genuine. Here they are:
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
I just want this to really be the cry of my heart. Where I know I don't have God figured out and I'm humbled once again to how Holy He is and how small I am. What do I know of Holy? To where it's not just words on a page but He's alive in my heart continually every day; where I am yearning to be near to Him. There's a lot about this song that I just think is beautiful.
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
I just want this to really be the cry of my heart. Where I know I don't have God figured out and I'm humbled once again to how Holy He is and how small I am. What do I know of Holy? To where it's not just words on a page but He's alive in my heart continually every day; where I am yearning to be near to Him. There's a lot about this song that I just think is beautiful.
Friday, January 22, 2010
I wish I lived in the 50s.
Here's Audrey Hepburn. I think she is so gorgeous.
That's what I'm thnking about. The 50s. I mean, c'mon. The economy was awesome, it was the time of the baby boom, all the guys coming home from war and the women at home taking care of the kids, it's just a beautiful time. I would love to be like 28 then, having kids and taking care of them and my husband, and the styles were freakin fantastic! The women all wore these dresses and heels and there was none of this "feminism" crap, and we would all sit around watching "I love lucy" every night. And Audrey Hepburn. Breakfast At Tiffany's.... Yes.
And then this. This is just priceless. Written in 1954 for a girls home economics class:
The following is from a 1950's home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Hahahahaha. That's just great.
Why did I have to be born in 1993....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Conviction.
I wish people would open their eyes.
It is so easy to walk around in the halls and just go to the next class and not notice anyone. And then stay in class and do your work and forget to talk to anyone who's not your friend.
A person at my school hung himself yesterday.
I am just so convicted. I hate how we all live inside of our comfort zones and let the days go by praying for people to come to know Jesus, and yet we have them sit behind us everyday and don't say a word. And then they go home and hang themself. I'm broken for someone I don't know. It pains me to think that there may be people like that I just ignore.
And I know stuff like this happens all the time, and we should't spend our life crying and being sad for it. But we should let it imact us somehow. I just wish emotion would become action one of these times where we can influence people.
When will we realize it? When will it become real to us?
It is so easy to walk around in the halls and just go to the next class and not notice anyone. And then stay in class and do your work and forget to talk to anyone who's not your friend.
A person at my school hung himself yesterday.
I am just so convicted. I hate how we all live inside of our comfort zones and let the days go by praying for people to come to know Jesus, and yet we have them sit behind us everyday and don't say a word. And then they go home and hang themself. I'm broken for someone I don't know. It pains me to think that there may be people like that I just ignore.
And I know stuff like this happens all the time, and we should't spend our life crying and being sad for it. But we should let it imact us somehow. I just wish emotion would become action one of these times where we can influence people.
When will we realize it? When will it become real to us?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The law of Gravity. Reverse.
So, life is so, so much better. Yep, what goes down must come up. Wait...
The other night when I wrote that, I was pretty much at my lowest point. Not ever, just recently. I literally hated myself and just wanted to fast forward through this portion of my life. I've never felt so hopeless. I was listening and absorbing lies from the enemy, where literally everything I thought somehow was wrong.
I came to the realization the other day at a prayer meeting that "Wow, it's really not all about me." and then I started focusing on who God is, and how Holy He is, and how omnipotent He is, and that He has a picture bigger for me than I can see. And on my knees, tears pouring down my face, getting visions of my friends and school, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs: "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!!" Almost as a slap in the face to the Devil. Shut up. It's not about me.
It never was. It never will be.
I knew this fact in my mind, but my heart wanted to throw myself pity parties and hurt. But it's time to move on, it's a new season in my life and I want to embrace it. I'm excited to grow in dependence upon Jesus and fixing my eyes on Him. I'm not saying this because it sounds nice being written down. Like, "I'm excited to be alone all the time!"... No. I am excited for how God will use this in my life, though. I really, honestly am. I truly am joyful. I've felt more joy in the past few days than I have in a long time. It's a genuine joy I know won't fade. I am in love with the God of the Ages, and there's no time to look back. My eyes are fixed on knowing Him from now until eternity.
I've spent my time praying for other people and worshipping God for who He is. And the great thing is, my problems seem so small and insignificant at that point. I'm just so small and He is so Great! I've learned so much about God and about other people since my perspective switched the other day, which i'm sure i'll write about later.
It really is a joy to give myself away to people. I almost forgot. I almost let myself believe it was a flaw. The truth is, I'd rather pour into someone and give myself away until i'm dry for a moment, then let pride indulge my desires for a lifetime. I'd rather give myself to someone and have them completely leave me but actually help them, then have these meaningless friendships that were never sincere to begin with. God is my reward. God is my strong tower. He is my friend and the love of my life. And as long as I have God, my cup will be overflowing. And I want it to overflow into all of the relationships in my life.
I just know that God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself. I know that it's my calling to pour myself out. Like a sponge, I want to fill myself up with God, and wring it out into other people's lives. I have a vision to help the homeless. To give away anything I don't need, and save my money to help those who really need it. I've always loved to help people and I will continue to. I will continue to text people and tell them i'm praying about them and I love them. (And I will mean it.) I will keep being the person to follow through on getting together for coffee and if I don't get a word in on my life when we talk, I won't care. I will teach when i am older and pour myself out then. I will go on mission trips. I will disciple girls and lead my generation. I hope when I'm older, I will open my house up to anyone who needs it and to my husband and children.
I will also probably still have nights where I'm just not okay. Life happens. Circumstances change and I am only human. But God is constant.
Today, I went to a memorial service for a man i didn't know and sang with my choir. I stayed for a little while and just cried. I hope when I die, people will be able to say about me that I gave myself away to God and to people.
I feel like my heart has grown from this dull spark to a small flame. I can't wait. I know God's called me to greatness.
The other night when I wrote that, I was pretty much at my lowest point. Not ever, just recently. I literally hated myself and just wanted to fast forward through this portion of my life. I've never felt so hopeless. I was listening and absorbing lies from the enemy, where literally everything I thought somehow was wrong.
I came to the realization the other day at a prayer meeting that "Wow, it's really not all about me." and then I started focusing on who God is, and how Holy He is, and how omnipotent He is, and that He has a picture bigger for me than I can see. And on my knees, tears pouring down my face, getting visions of my friends and school, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs: "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!!" Almost as a slap in the face to the Devil. Shut up. It's not about me.
It never was. It never will be.
I knew this fact in my mind, but my heart wanted to throw myself pity parties and hurt. But it's time to move on, it's a new season in my life and I want to embrace it. I'm excited to grow in dependence upon Jesus and fixing my eyes on Him. I'm not saying this because it sounds nice being written down. Like, "I'm excited to be alone all the time!"... No. I am excited for how God will use this in my life, though. I really, honestly am. I truly am joyful. I've felt more joy in the past few days than I have in a long time. It's a genuine joy I know won't fade. I am in love with the God of the Ages, and there's no time to look back. My eyes are fixed on knowing Him from now until eternity.
I've spent my time praying for other people and worshipping God for who He is. And the great thing is, my problems seem so small and insignificant at that point. I'm just so small and He is so Great! I've learned so much about God and about other people since my perspective switched the other day, which i'm sure i'll write about later.
It really is a joy to give myself away to people. I almost forgot. I almost let myself believe it was a flaw. The truth is, I'd rather pour into someone and give myself away until i'm dry for a moment, then let pride indulge my desires for a lifetime. I'd rather give myself to someone and have them completely leave me but actually help them, then have these meaningless friendships that were never sincere to begin with. God is my reward. God is my strong tower. He is my friend and the love of my life. And as long as I have God, my cup will be overflowing. And I want it to overflow into all of the relationships in my life.
I just know that God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself. I know that it's my calling to pour myself out. Like a sponge, I want to fill myself up with God, and wring it out into other people's lives. I have a vision to help the homeless. To give away anything I don't need, and save my money to help those who really need it. I've always loved to help people and I will continue to. I will continue to text people and tell them i'm praying about them and I love them. (And I will mean it.) I will keep being the person to follow through on getting together for coffee and if I don't get a word in on my life when we talk, I won't care. I will teach when i am older and pour myself out then. I will go on mission trips. I will disciple girls and lead my generation. I hope when I'm older, I will open my house up to anyone who needs it and to my husband and children.
I will also probably still have nights where I'm just not okay. Life happens. Circumstances change and I am only human. But God is constant.
Today, I went to a memorial service for a man i didn't know and sang with my choir. I stayed for a little while and just cried. I hope when I die, people will be able to say about me that I gave myself away to God and to people.
I feel like my heart has grown from this dull spark to a small flame. I can't wait. I know God's called me to greatness.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Emotion Vomit. Ready? Blehhh:
Wowza. Two blogs in two days! I just feel like getting my thoughts down and I don't want to write it down. This blog is definitely only for myself right now... I seem like such a depressed emo kid. Who talks about God. Haha. Well, here it goes...
I really just hate life right now. Simple and straightforward.
Here comes a vomit of emotions. Ready? Bleeeehhhhhhhh:
I said in my last line of my last blog that I'm just excited for who God wants me to be right now, and I don't even know who that is. I don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm spending time with God and that's all I know to do, and while he's giving me direction about things, I just have this empty feeling inside of me that just longs for relationship with people. And I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I need to go through this and God's going to show me a lot through this, but I just don't want to. Like I said, I hate life right now.
I think part of it really is a godly desire, because He made us to be with people. In the second chapter of Genesis, God saw Adam and saw that "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18) and He made Him all the animals in the world, but it still wasn't good enough. God had to make a human for Him to be with. It's a Holy desire to want to be with people. The desire can become selfish though when you only think about yourself and throw yourself pity parties and such.
I don't know what makes myself a repellant to people. Seriously, I don't know what I do to repel people. It's like people come near enough to me for me to trust them and then I put a lot of myself into them. I text them, invite them over, call them, pray about them... (and i try to make it so i'm not clingy, I just do genuinely care about them) and then all the sudden, someone (or something, dang busy schedules) catches their attention and it's like "Well, see ya." (And the busy schedule people, it's like they had no time for me and always used that excuse, but then there usually was another person and they suddenly found time to be with them. Ouch!) And I'm left broken and mad, and most of them have not really been fazed or moved on fast. Very fast. And then i realize i was stepped all over because I got none of the friendship back. Okay, over-generalization. The friendships did benefit me and i learned a lot, and I had some good times with them. Some of them really poured into me and helped me sometimes, but I just wish I could see which friendships would be a waste of my emotions so I wouldn't get so hurt. I always see my relationships as something I want to last a really long time, and maybe that's just a foolish thing to do. Wasted emotions suck. Maybe i'm over-generalizing my friends, because I know they do actually care about me. However, I just feel like a lot of them are the kind of friends where it's like "If you need me, i'll be here. Otherwise, we can schedule some sort of coffee, something..." And of course, that never happens. And who wants to call someone who you haven't talked to in a couple months besides like "hi, how are you?" kind of small talk, just sobbing about something that they have no clue about? Like you have to update them on 2 months of problems to get down to the thing you called them about.
And the thing was, I was the person who would actually follow through on that "coffee, something..." and try to arrange something, and even then it's like everyone has more important things to do and people to be with. And now i'm just burnt out. I've tried so hard with so many people. I've talked with them about how i need a friend. And still, here I am. So now, i've just stopped trying. And I feel miserable.
Part of it is because we're getting older, people are getting jobs and boyfriends and going to college and it's just a stage of life. Am I just stuck in the last stage of life or something? Have I missed the get-together where everyone decided "Hey. I love you all, but let's get on with life. Keep in touch once every two months and we'll still be "best friends", k? K." And we all sip our white chocolate mochas and tazo tea and pleasently drive away? Yeah, I think I missed it.
I think it's a blessing and a curse that God put such compassion for people in me. I love genuinely knowing people and hearing them talk and pouring myself into them and let them know they have a friend. But I get hurt by this too, obviously. I think it will be good... sometime. I think sometime i'll be a good wife and mom but I just don't want to trust myself to another "best friends" kind of friendship.Or any friendship beyond aquantince honestly. I've been so hurt and given myself until i'm just completely dry. This has been going on since like 6th grade! And I finally just recognized it, and I have no idea what I do. Like I said, why do i repel people after awhile? Do they just take advantage of me until they find someone new? Why do I let people walk all over me?
And I don't know if i'm just dwelling in this and not getting over it. I'm trying to do things like get involved in a different church and next semester i'm going to try to do a lot more volunteer work so i'm not just at my house doing nothing, and I'm spending a lot of time with God. Like I said, it's been good. But I still want to be with people. I'm trying not to dwell about it but I spend so much time sitting in my room that i just think, and I end up sobbing. I try to direct it to something else and it's just this cycle of "stop crying, you'll be fine. You need to go through this. Get over it, do something with your time." And I end up hating myself... See how lonliness hurts? Why yes, myself, I do. Even writing my blog now, i'm like "i'm so pathetic. Just spend time with God, you'll be fine."
I'm just sick of empty promises from people who are like, "Don't worry. i'll never leave you like your other friends. I'm always here for you, and we'll always be friends." And I just can't trust that anymore. I'm afraid i'm losing my trust in people, again, and I just can't believe what people tell me anymore. I'm just tired of crying all the time and having no one to talk to anymore and feeling like i'm not and never really was important to people. I'm sick of telling people exactly what i'm saying here and having them being like, "Hm. That sucks, i'm sorry. I'm praying for you!" While prayers would really help me and i'm really glad people pray for me, sometimes i think those are just empty promises too. It's like a filler to make it sound better. But I'm not sure, I'd like to think all people are genuine when they say that, i just know it just doesn't always happen.
And also, my parents. They think I have like, a million friends and a million things to do. I wish they could see how lonely I feel.
I feel like giving up and running away and just not being here, but I know i'm created for more than that and God's right here with me not only as the all omnipotent God, but as my friend. I'm leaning on that comfort. Right now, i'm just living day by day trying to be patient and be near and close enough to hear the voice of God. And all the while trusting that He knows what's best for me and He knows my heart and loves me all the while. And still praying and loving all of my friends. I know that it is what God wants me to do. (Proverbs 17:17: A friend loves at ALL times) And it's the most comforting to know that there is one promise that I CAN trust and that isn't empty: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)
I really just hate life right now. Simple and straightforward.
Here comes a vomit of emotions. Ready? Bleeeehhhhhhhh:
I said in my last line of my last blog that I'm just excited for who God wants me to be right now, and I don't even know who that is. I don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm spending time with God and that's all I know to do, and while he's giving me direction about things, I just have this empty feeling inside of me that just longs for relationship with people. And I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I need to go through this and God's going to show me a lot through this, but I just don't want to. Like I said, I hate life right now.
I think part of it really is a godly desire, because He made us to be with people. In the second chapter of Genesis, God saw Adam and saw that "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18) and He made Him all the animals in the world, but it still wasn't good enough. God had to make a human for Him to be with. It's a Holy desire to want to be with people. The desire can become selfish though when you only think about yourself and throw yourself pity parties and such.
I don't know what makes myself a repellant to people. Seriously, I don't know what I do to repel people. It's like people come near enough to me for me to trust them and then I put a lot of myself into them. I text them, invite them over, call them, pray about them... (and i try to make it so i'm not clingy, I just do genuinely care about them) and then all the sudden, someone (or something, dang busy schedules) catches their attention and it's like "Well, see ya." (And the busy schedule people, it's like they had no time for me and always used that excuse, but then there usually was another person and they suddenly found time to be with them. Ouch!) And I'm left broken and mad, and most of them have not really been fazed or moved on fast. Very fast. And then i realize i was stepped all over because I got none of the friendship back. Okay, over-generalization. The friendships did benefit me and i learned a lot, and I had some good times with them. Some of them really poured into me and helped me sometimes, but I just wish I could see which friendships would be a waste of my emotions so I wouldn't get so hurt. I always see my relationships as something I want to last a really long time, and maybe that's just a foolish thing to do. Wasted emotions suck. Maybe i'm over-generalizing my friends, because I know they do actually care about me. However, I just feel like a lot of them are the kind of friends where it's like "If you need me, i'll be here. Otherwise, we can schedule some sort of coffee, something..." And of course, that never happens. And who wants to call someone who you haven't talked to in a couple months besides like "hi, how are you?" kind of small talk, just sobbing about something that they have no clue about? Like you have to update them on 2 months of problems to get down to the thing you called them about.
And the thing was, I was the person who would actually follow through on that "coffee, something..." and try to arrange something, and even then it's like everyone has more important things to do and people to be with. And now i'm just burnt out. I've tried so hard with so many people. I've talked with them about how i need a friend. And still, here I am. So now, i've just stopped trying. And I feel miserable.
Part of it is because we're getting older, people are getting jobs and boyfriends and going to college and it's just a stage of life. Am I just stuck in the last stage of life or something? Have I missed the get-together where everyone decided "Hey. I love you all, but let's get on with life. Keep in touch once every two months and we'll still be "best friends", k? K." And we all sip our white chocolate mochas and tazo tea and pleasently drive away? Yeah, I think I missed it.
I think it's a blessing and a curse that God put such compassion for people in me. I love genuinely knowing people and hearing them talk and pouring myself into them and let them know they have a friend. But I get hurt by this too, obviously. I think it will be good... sometime. I think sometime i'll be a good wife and mom but I just don't want to trust myself to another "best friends" kind of friendship.Or any friendship beyond aquantince honestly. I've been so hurt and given myself until i'm just completely dry. This has been going on since like 6th grade! And I finally just recognized it, and I have no idea what I do. Like I said, why do i repel people after awhile? Do they just take advantage of me until they find someone new? Why do I let people walk all over me?
And I don't know if i'm just dwelling in this and not getting over it. I'm trying to do things like get involved in a different church and next semester i'm going to try to do a lot more volunteer work so i'm not just at my house doing nothing, and I'm spending a lot of time with God. Like I said, it's been good. But I still want to be with people. I'm trying not to dwell about it but I spend so much time sitting in my room that i just think, and I end up sobbing. I try to direct it to something else and it's just this cycle of "stop crying, you'll be fine. You need to go through this. Get over it, do something with your time." And I end up hating myself... See how lonliness hurts? Why yes, myself, I do. Even writing my blog now, i'm like "i'm so pathetic. Just spend time with God, you'll be fine."
I'm just sick of empty promises from people who are like, "Don't worry. i'll never leave you like your other friends. I'm always here for you, and we'll always be friends." And I just can't trust that anymore. I'm afraid i'm losing my trust in people, again, and I just can't believe what people tell me anymore. I'm just tired of crying all the time and having no one to talk to anymore and feeling like i'm not and never really was important to people. I'm sick of telling people exactly what i'm saying here and having them being like, "Hm. That sucks, i'm sorry. I'm praying for you!" While prayers would really help me and i'm really glad people pray for me, sometimes i think those are just empty promises too. It's like a filler to make it sound better. But I'm not sure, I'd like to think all people are genuine when they say that, i just know it just doesn't always happen.
And also, my parents. They think I have like, a million friends and a million things to do. I wish they could see how lonely I feel.
I feel like giving up and running away and just not being here, but I know i'm created for more than that and God's right here with me not only as the all omnipotent God, but as my friend. I'm leaning on that comfort. Right now, i'm just living day by day trying to be patient and be near and close enough to hear the voice of God. And all the while trusting that He knows what's best for me and He knows my heart and loves me all the while. And still praying and loving all of my friends. I know that it is what God wants me to do. (Proverbs 17:17: A friend loves at ALL times) And it's the most comforting to know that there is one promise that I CAN trust and that isn't empty: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)
Friday, January 1, 2010
This World Has Nothing For Me...
Happy New Year!
Today, I feel like Solomon. In the way where i'm sitting here and i'm just thinking, "Wow. Everything is meaningless."
I'm just so sick of pursuing treasure on Earth that means nothing in the Kingdom of God. I'll be honest with my blog- life has not been the greatest for awhile. But God is fixing my perspective to see something that's greater than myself, and I think i'm finally catching it. I just started thinking today... I'm not made for here. This place is not my home. Yet, I spend so much time pursuing meaningless "gain". Reputation with friends, getting excited when I get another paycheck and spending it on Starbucks, getting good grades or good "status"... It consumes us. It really does. It consumes me, I don't even realize it. I lose sight so easily of what I was made for, and what I was made for is not for here. I think when we can gain a heavenly perspective, life is filled with so much more purpose.
Have you noticed how unfulfilling it is to spend your time and money on yourself? It'll make you happy for awhile and then you will probably forget about it in awhile. I think that's why Jesus said "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and His righteousnss, and everything else will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
I just wonder what would happen if we were able to see the world the way God does. I think we would be so humbled. And I also think God wants to give us His perspective for that very reason. Our "problems" wouldn't seem so detrimental. I think our love for His people would increase greatly. I think most of all, our eyes would turn from ourselves and onto the all omnipotent God and then in awe we would proclaim "This world really doesn't have anything for me, I will follow you!" (Thank you Jared Anderson.)
I'm just catching glimpses of this through my brokenness. That I really am not made for here, but God put me here for a purpose. And I know God has greater plans for me than I have for myself, and I'm thankful He is with me the whole time: In my brokenness, my average times, and my victorious times in life. And He has a plan for it all. I'm excited to see what He's going to do through me in the future, But today, I'm thankful just for who He is and who He's created me to be right now.
Today, I feel like Solomon. In the way where i'm sitting here and i'm just thinking, "Wow. Everything is meaningless."
I'm just so sick of pursuing treasure on Earth that means nothing in the Kingdom of God. I'll be honest with my blog- life has not been the greatest for awhile. But God is fixing my perspective to see something that's greater than myself, and I think i'm finally catching it. I just started thinking today... I'm not made for here. This place is not my home. Yet, I spend so much time pursuing meaningless "gain". Reputation with friends, getting excited when I get another paycheck and spending it on Starbucks, getting good grades or good "status"... It consumes us. It really does. It consumes me, I don't even realize it. I lose sight so easily of what I was made for, and what I was made for is not for here. I think when we can gain a heavenly perspective, life is filled with so much more purpose.
Have you noticed how unfulfilling it is to spend your time and money on yourself? It'll make you happy for awhile and then you will probably forget about it in awhile. I think that's why Jesus said "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and His righteousnss, and everything else will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
I just wonder what would happen if we were able to see the world the way God does. I think we would be so humbled. And I also think God wants to give us His perspective for that very reason. Our "problems" wouldn't seem so detrimental. I think our love for His people would increase greatly. I think most of all, our eyes would turn from ourselves and onto the all omnipotent God and then in awe we would proclaim "This world really doesn't have anything for me, I will follow you!" (Thank you Jared Anderson.)
I'm just catching glimpses of this through my brokenness. That I really am not made for here, but God put me here for a purpose. And I know God has greater plans for me than I have for myself, and I'm thankful He is with me the whole time: In my brokenness, my average times, and my victorious times in life. And He has a plan for it all. I'm excited to see what He's going to do through me in the future, But today, I'm thankful just for who He is and who He's created me to be right now.
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