Metathesiophobia.

Metathesiophobia: The fear of change.

I think "phobias" are dumb, i just wanted a name for this blog other than "the fear of change." Thought it was creative... It's really not though. :) hehe.

I've just been realizing lately how consistent I am. I like things staying the same for a long time.

I like knowing that on Friday's I get gas in my car and everytime it costs around ten dollars. I like knowing every other Wednesday is payday and I organize my money accordingly. I have about 6 different funds and a percentage of all my money goes in each of them. I go to the mill every friday and do chores and clean my room on saturday. I wear jeans and a t-shirt almost every day. I like tradition. I like being at the same church and at the same school and in the same state for all of my life. I like Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions and it's the same every year. I like being extremely organized in my school work and knowing what to expect for the next week. I've had a 3.7 GPA for all of my high school life, every semester. All As and 2 Bs. I like knowing I will be going to ORU,and that's just it. i don't want to go anywhere else. I like people staying in my life and when I leave I get really hurt, because again, I like consistency. I just like them there. And then I have to find a new constant or accept that whatever fills it is the new constant.

And I think that with consistency, my life is just going well. But when things are chaotic and out of the normal that I want, I just freak out. And I think this is one of my biggest downfalls. To be completely honest, I don't know if God told me to do something radical that I would do it. Because I just like to know what will happen.

The thing is though, God likes to take us out of our comfort zones. I just feel like sometime in my life my "constant" will be shaken up and I'll have to trust God with it. Because God is always constant, i can trust Him with this world, which is not. Consistency for me I think may be one of my idols: A thing just taking the place where God is supposed to be. And of course, it's not like its completely bad, it's very useful. But, if it distracts you from going toward what God wants you to do, it is. If i let it, I can just be stuck in the constant my whole life.

Ughhh, no. I think God has much bigger plans for me than the ones I have for myself!

Who knows? Maybe I'll start getting gas on Sunday afternoons and going to somewhere in South Carolina to become a doctor someday. ;) I'm not sure. I obviously just figured this out about myself so I'm still praying about this. New thoughts.

And there it is. I think I have figured out a lot about myself that really changes my perspective on why I deal with some stuff the way I do and what really influences my decisions. Hmmm. Intriguing.

What do I know of Holy?

So, I'm not much of a fan of posting song lyrics most of the time (it's such a typical blog-y thing to do) or addison road, but these lyrics are just beautiful to me. I'm actually not even a fan of the song's melody, which is a bummer because the lyrics are just so genuine. Here they are:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?


I just want this to really be the cry of my heart. Where I know I don't have God figured out and I'm humbled once again to how Holy He is and how small I am. What do I know of Holy? To where it's not just words on a page but He's alive in my heart continually every day; where I am yearning to be near to Him. There's a lot about this song that I just think is beautiful.

I wish I lived in the 50s.

Here's Audrey Hepburn. I think she is so gorgeous.

That's what I'm thnking about. The 50s. I mean, c'mon. The economy was awesome, it was the time of the baby boom, all the guys coming home from war and the women at home taking care of the kids, it's just a beautiful time. I would love to be like 28 then, having kids and taking care of them and my husband, and the styles were freakin fantastic! The women all wore these dresses and heels and there was none of this "feminism" crap, and we would all sit around watching "I love lucy" every night. And Audrey Hepburn. Breakfast At Tiffany's.... Yes.

And then this. This is just priceless. Written in 1954 for a girls home economics class:
The following is from a 1950's home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Hahahahaha. That's just great.


Why did I have to be born in 1993....

Conviction.

I wish people would open their eyes.

It is so easy to walk around in the halls and just go to the next class and not notice anyone. And then stay in class and do your work and forget to talk to anyone who's not your friend.

A person at my school hung himself yesterday.

I am just so convicted. I hate how we all live inside of our comfort zones and let the days go by praying for people to come to know Jesus, and yet we have them sit behind us everyday and don't say a word. And then they go home and hang themself. I'm broken for someone I don't know. It pains me to think that there may be people like that I just ignore.

And I know stuff like this happens all the time, and we should't spend our life crying and being sad for it. But we should let it imact us somehow. I just wish emotion would become action one of these times where we can influence people.

When will we realize it? When will it become real to us?

The law of Gravity. Reverse.

So, life is so, so much better. Yep, what goes down must come up. Wait...

The other night when I wrote that, I was pretty much at my lowest point. Not ever, just recently. I literally hated myself and just wanted to fast forward through this portion of my life. I've never felt so hopeless. I was listening and absorbing lies from the enemy, where literally everything I thought somehow was wrong.

I came to the realization the other day at a prayer meeting that "Wow, it's really not all about me." and then I started focusing on who God is, and how Holy He is, and how omnipotent He is, and that He has a picture bigger for me than I can see. And on my knees, tears pouring down my face, getting visions of my friends and school, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs: "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!!" Almost as a slap in the face to the Devil. Shut up. It's not about me.

It never was. It never will be.

I knew this fact in my mind, but my heart wanted to throw myself pity parties and hurt. But it's time to move on, it's a new season in my life and I want to embrace it. I'm excited to grow in dependence upon Jesus and fixing my eyes on Him. I'm not saying this because it sounds nice being written down. Like, "I'm excited to be alone all the time!"... No. I am excited for how God will use this in my life, though. I really, honestly am. I truly am joyful. I've felt more joy in the past few days than I have in a long time. It's a genuine joy I know won't fade. I am in love with the God of the Ages, and there's no time to look back. My eyes are fixed on knowing Him from now until eternity.

I've spent my time praying for other people and worshipping God for who He is. And the great thing is, my problems seem so small and insignificant at that point. I'm just so small and He is so Great! I've learned so much about God and about other people since my perspective switched the other day, which i'm sure i'll write about later.

It really is a joy to give myself away to people. I almost forgot. I almost let myself believe it was a flaw. The truth is, I'd rather pour into someone and give myself away until i'm dry for a moment, then let pride indulge my desires for a lifetime. I'd rather give myself to someone and have them completely leave me but actually help them, then have these meaningless friendships that were never sincere to begin with. God is my reward. God is my strong tower. He is my friend and the love of my life. And as long as I have God, my cup will be overflowing. And I want it to overflow into all of the relationships in my life.

I just know that God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself. I know that it's my calling to pour myself out. Like a sponge, I want to fill myself up with God, and wring it out into other people's lives. I have a vision to help the homeless. To give away anything I don't need, and save my money to help those who really need it. I've always loved to help people and I will continue to. I will continue to text people and tell them i'm praying about them and I love them. (And I will mean it.) I will keep being the person to follow through on getting together for coffee and if I don't get a word in on my life when we talk, I won't care. I will teach when i am older and pour myself out then. I will go on mission trips. I will disciple girls and lead my generation. I hope when I'm older, I will open my house up to anyone who needs it and to my husband and children.

I will also probably still have nights where I'm just not okay. Life happens. Circumstances change and I am only human. But God is constant.

Today, I went to a memorial service for a man i didn't know and sang with my choir. I stayed for a little while and just cried. I hope when I die, people will be able to say about me that I gave myself away to God and to people.

I feel like my heart has grown from this dull spark to a small flame. I can't wait. I know God's called me to greatness.

Emotion Vomit. Ready? Blehhh:

Wowza. Two blogs in two days! I just feel like getting my thoughts down and I don't want to write it down. This blog is definitely only for myself right now... I seem like such a depressed emo kid. Who talks about God. Haha. Well, here it goes...

I really just hate life right now. Simple and straightforward.

Here comes a vomit of emotions. Ready? Bleeeehhhhhhhh:

I said in my last line of my last blog that I'm just excited for who God wants me to be right now, and I don't even know who that is. I don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm spending time with God and that's all I know to do, and while he's giving me direction about things, I just have this empty feeling inside of me that just longs for relationship with people. And I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I need to go through this and God's going to show me a lot through this, but I just don't want to. Like I said, I hate life right now.

I think part of it really is a godly desire, because He made us to be with people. In the second chapter of Genesis, God saw Adam and saw that "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18) and He made Him all the animals in the world, but it still wasn't good enough. God had to make a human for Him to be with. It's a Holy desire to want to be with people. The desire can become selfish though when you only think about yourself and throw yourself pity parties and such.

I don't know what makes myself a repellant to people. Seriously, I don't know what I do to repel people. It's like people come near enough to me for me to trust them and then I put a lot of myself into them. I text them, invite them over, call them, pray about them... (and i try to make it so i'm not clingy, I just do genuinely care about them) and then all the sudden, someone (or something, dang busy schedules) catches their attention and it's like "Well, see ya." (And the busy schedule people, it's like they had no time for me and always used that excuse, but then there usually was another person and they suddenly found time to be with them. Ouch!) And I'm left broken and mad, and most of them have not really been fazed or moved on fast. Very fast. And then i realize i was stepped all over because I got none of the friendship back. Okay, over-generalization. The friendships did benefit me and i learned a lot, and I had some good times with them. Some of them really poured into me and helped me sometimes, but I just wish I could see which friendships would be a waste of my emotions so I wouldn't get so hurt. I always see my relationships as something I want to last a really long time, and maybe that's just a foolish thing to do. Wasted emotions suck. Maybe i'm over-generalizing my friends, because I know they do actually care about me. However, I just feel like a lot of them are the kind of friends where it's like "If you need me, i'll be here. Otherwise, we can schedule some sort of coffee, something..." And of course, that never happens. And who wants to call someone who you haven't talked to in a couple months besides like "hi, how are you?" kind of small talk, just sobbing about something that they have no clue about? Like you have to update them on 2 months of problems to get down to the thing you called them about.

And the thing was, I was the person who would actually follow through on that "coffee, something..." and try to arrange something, and even then it's like everyone has more important things to do and people to be with. And now i'm just burnt out. I've tried so hard with so many people. I've talked with them about how i need a friend. And still, here I am. So now, i've just stopped trying. And I feel miserable.

Part of it is because we're getting older, people are getting jobs and boyfriends and going to college and it's just a stage of life. Am I just stuck in the last stage of life or something? Have I missed the get-together where everyone decided "Hey. I love you all, but let's get on with life. Keep in touch once every two months and we'll still be "best friends", k? K." And we all sip our white chocolate mochas and tazo tea and pleasently drive away? Yeah, I think I missed it.

I think it's a blessing and a curse that God put such compassion for people in me. I love genuinely knowing people and hearing them talk and pouring myself into them and let them know they have a friend. But I get hurt by this too, obviously. I think it will be good... sometime. I think sometime i'll be a good wife and mom but I just don't want to trust myself to another "best friends" kind of friendship.Or any friendship beyond aquantince honestly. I've been so hurt and given myself until i'm just completely dry. This has been going on since like 6th grade! And I finally just recognized it, and I have no idea what I do. Like I said, why do i repel people after awhile? Do they just take advantage of me until they find someone new? Why do I let people walk all over me?

And I don't know if i'm just dwelling in this and not getting over it. I'm trying to do things like get involved in a different church and next semester i'm going to try to do a lot more volunteer work so i'm not just at my house doing nothing, and I'm spending a lot of time with God. Like I said, it's been good. But I still want to be with people. I'm trying not to dwell about it but I spend so much time sitting in my room that i just think, and I end up sobbing. I try to direct it to something else and it's just this cycle of "stop crying, you'll be fine. You need to go through this. Get over it, do something with your time." And I end up hating myself... See how lonliness hurts? Why yes, myself, I do. Even writing my blog now, i'm like "i'm so pathetic. Just spend time with God, you'll be fine."

I'm just sick of empty promises from people who are like, "Don't worry. i'll never leave you like your other friends. I'm always here for you, and we'll always be friends." And I just can't trust that anymore. I'm afraid i'm losing my trust in people, again, and I just can't believe what people tell me anymore. I'm just tired of crying all the time and having no one to talk to anymore and feeling like i'm not and never really was important to people. I'm sick of telling people exactly what i'm saying here and having them being like, "Hm. That sucks, i'm sorry. I'm praying for you!" While prayers would really help me and i'm really glad people pray for me, sometimes i think those are just empty promises too. It's like a filler to make it sound better. But I'm not sure, I'd like to think all people are genuine when they say that, i just know it just doesn't always happen.

And also, my parents. They think I have like, a million friends and a million things to do. I wish they could see how lonely I feel.

I feel like giving up and running away and just not being here, but I know i'm created for more than that and God's right here with me not only as the all omnipotent God, but as my friend. I'm leaning on that comfort. Right now, i'm just living day by day trying to be patient and be near and close enough to hear the voice of God. And all the while trusting that He knows what's best for me and He knows my heart and loves me all the while. And still praying and loving all of my friends. I know that it is what God wants me to do. (Proverbs 17:17: A friend loves at ALL times) And it's the most comforting to know that there is one promise that I CAN trust and that isn't empty: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

This World Has Nothing For Me...

Happy New Year!

Today, I feel like Solomon. In the way where i'm sitting here and i'm just thinking, "Wow. Everything is meaningless."

I'm just so sick of pursuing treasure on Earth that means nothing in the Kingdom of God. I'll be honest with my blog- life has not been the greatest for awhile. But God is fixing my perspective to see something that's greater than myself, and I think i'm finally catching it. I just started thinking today... I'm not made for here. This place is not my home. Yet, I spend so much time pursuing meaningless "gain". Reputation with friends, getting excited when I get another paycheck and spending it on Starbucks, getting good grades or good "status"... It consumes us. It really does. It consumes me, I don't even realize it. I lose sight so easily of what I was made for, and what I was made for is not for here. I think when we can gain a heavenly perspective, life is filled with so much more purpose.

Have you noticed how unfulfilling it is to spend your time and money on yourself? It'll make you happy for awhile and then you will probably forget about it in awhile. I think that's why Jesus said "Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and His righteousnss, and everything else will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)

I just wonder what would happen if we were able to see the world the way God does. I think we would be so humbled. And I also think God wants to give us His perspective for that very reason. Our "problems" wouldn't seem so detrimental. I think our love for His people would increase greatly. I think most of all, our eyes would turn from ourselves and onto the all omnipotent God and then in awe we would proclaim "This world really doesn't have anything for me, I will follow you!" (Thank you Jared Anderson.)

I'm just catching glimpses of this through my brokenness. That I really am not made for here, but God put me here for a purpose. And I know God has greater plans for me than I have for myself, and I'm thankful He is with me the whole time: In my brokenness, my average times, and my victorious times in life. And He has a plan for it all. I'm excited to see what He's going to do through me in the future, But today, I'm thankful just for who He is and who He's created me to be right now.