Wowza. Two blogs in two days! I just feel like getting my thoughts down and I don't want to write it down. This blog is definitely only for myself right now... I seem like such a depressed emo kid. Who talks about God. Haha. Well, here it goes...
I really just hate life right now. Simple and straightforward.
Here comes a vomit of emotions. Ready? Bleeeehhhhhhhh:
I said in my last line of my last blog that I'm just excited for who God wants me to be right now, and I don't even know who that is. I don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm spending time with God and that's all I know to do, and while he's giving me direction about things, I just have this empty feeling inside of me that just longs for relationship with people. And I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I need to go through this and God's going to show me a lot through this, but I just don't want to. Like I said, I hate life right now.
I think part of it really is a godly desire, because He made us to be with people. In the second chapter of Genesis, God saw Adam and saw that "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18) and He made Him all the animals in the world, but it still wasn't good enough. God had to make a human for Him to be with. It's a Holy desire to want to be with people. The desire can become selfish though when you only think about yourself and throw yourself pity parties and such.
I don't know what makes myself a repellant to people. Seriously, I don't know what I do to repel people. It's like people come near enough to me for me to trust them and then I put a lot of myself into them. I text them, invite them over, call them, pray about them... (and i try to make it so i'm not clingy, I just do genuinely care about them) and then all the sudden, someone (or something, dang busy schedules) catches their attention and it's like "Well, see ya." (And the busy schedule people, it's like they had no time for me and always used that excuse, but then there usually was another person and they suddenly found time to be with them. Ouch!) And I'm left broken and mad, and most of them have not really been fazed or moved on fast. Very fast. And then i realize i was stepped all over because I got none of the friendship back. Okay, over-generalization. The friendships did benefit me and i learned a lot, and I had some good times with them. Some of them really poured into me and helped me sometimes, but I just wish I could see which friendships would be a waste of my emotions so I wouldn't get so hurt. I always see my relationships as something I want to last a really long time, and maybe that's just a foolish thing to do. Wasted emotions suck. Maybe i'm over-generalizing my friends, because I know they do actually care about me. However, I just feel like a lot of them are the kind of friends where it's like "If you need me, i'll be here. Otherwise, we can schedule some sort of coffee, something..." And of course, that never happens. And who wants to call someone who you haven't talked to in a couple months besides like "hi, how are you?" kind of small talk, just sobbing about something that they have no clue about? Like you have to update them on 2 months of problems to get down to the thing you called them about.
And the thing was, I was the person who would actually follow through on that "coffee, something..." and try to arrange something, and even then it's like everyone has more important things to do and people to be with. And now i'm just burnt out. I've tried so hard with so many people. I've talked with them about how i need a friend. And still, here I am. So now, i've just stopped trying. And I feel miserable.
Part of it is because we're getting older, people are getting jobs and boyfriends and going to college and it's just a stage of life. Am I just stuck in the last stage of life or something? Have I missed the get-together where everyone decided "Hey. I love you all, but let's get on with life. Keep in touch once every two months and we'll still be "best friends", k? K." And we all sip our white chocolate mochas and tazo tea and pleasently drive away? Yeah, I think I missed it.
I think it's a blessing and a curse that God put such compassion for people in me. I love genuinely knowing people and hearing them talk and pouring myself into them and let them know they have a friend. But I get hurt by this too, obviously. I think it will be good... sometime. I think sometime i'll be a good wife and mom but I just don't want to trust myself to another "best friends" kind of friendship.Or any friendship beyond aquantince honestly. I've been so hurt and given myself until i'm just completely dry. This has been going on since like 6th grade! And I finally just recognized it, and I have no idea what I do. Like I said, why do i repel people after awhile? Do they just take advantage of me until they find someone new? Why do I let people walk all over me?
And I don't know if i'm just dwelling in this and not getting over it. I'm trying to do things like get involved in a different church and next semester i'm going to try to do a lot more volunteer work so i'm not just at my house doing nothing, and I'm spending a lot of time with God. Like I said, it's been good. But I still want to be with people. I'm trying not to dwell about it but I spend so much time sitting in my room that i just think, and I end up sobbing. I try to direct it to something else and it's just this cycle of "stop crying, you'll be fine. You need to go through this. Get over it, do something with your time." And I end up hating myself... See how lonliness hurts? Why yes, myself, I do. Even writing my blog now, i'm like "i'm so pathetic. Just spend time with God, you'll be fine."
I'm just sick of empty promises from people who are like, "Don't worry. i'll never leave you like your other friends. I'm always here for you, and we'll always be friends." And I just can't trust that anymore. I'm afraid i'm losing my trust in people, again, and I just can't believe what people tell me anymore. I'm just tired of crying all the time and having no one to talk to anymore and feeling like i'm not and never really was important to people. I'm sick of telling people exactly what i'm saying here and having them being like, "Hm. That sucks, i'm sorry. I'm praying for you!" While prayers would really help me and i'm really glad people pray for me, sometimes i think those are just empty promises too. It's like a filler to make it sound better. But I'm not sure, I'd like to think all people are genuine when they say that, i just know it just doesn't always happen.
And also, my parents. They think I have like, a million friends and a million things to do. I wish they could see how lonely I feel.
I feel like giving up and running away and just not being here, but I know i'm created for more than that and God's right here with me not only as the all omnipotent God, but as my friend. I'm leaning on that comfort. Right now, i'm just living day by day trying to be patient and be near and close enough to hear the voice of God. And all the while trusting that He knows what's best for me and He knows my heart and loves me all the while. And still praying and loving all of my friends. I know that it is what God wants me to do. (Proverbs 17:17: A friend loves at ALL times) And it's the most comforting to know that there is one promise that I CAN trust and that isn't empty: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)
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