So, life is so, so much better. Yep, what goes down must come up. Wait...
The other night when I wrote that, I was pretty much at my lowest point. Not ever, just recently. I literally hated myself and just wanted to fast forward through this portion of my life. I've never felt so hopeless. I was listening and absorbing lies from the enemy, where literally everything I thought somehow was wrong.
I came to the realization the other day at a prayer meeting that "Wow, it's really not all about me." and then I started focusing on who God is, and how Holy He is, and how omnipotent He is, and that He has a picture bigger for me than I can see. And on my knees, tears pouring down my face, getting visions of my friends and school, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs: "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!!" Almost as a slap in the face to the Devil. Shut up. It's not about me.
It never was. It never will be.
I knew this fact in my mind, but my heart wanted to throw myself pity parties and hurt. But it's time to move on, it's a new season in my life and I want to embrace it. I'm excited to grow in dependence upon Jesus and fixing my eyes on Him. I'm not saying this because it sounds nice being written down. Like, "I'm excited to be alone all the time!"... No. I am excited for how God will use this in my life, though. I really, honestly am. I truly am joyful. I've felt more joy in the past few days than I have in a long time. It's a genuine joy I know won't fade. I am in love with the God of the Ages, and there's no time to look back. My eyes are fixed on knowing Him from now until eternity.
I've spent my time praying for other people and worshipping God for who He is. And the great thing is, my problems seem so small and insignificant at that point. I'm just so small and He is so Great! I've learned so much about God and about other people since my perspective switched the other day, which i'm sure i'll write about later.
It really is a joy to give myself away to people. I almost forgot. I almost let myself believe it was a flaw. The truth is, I'd rather pour into someone and give myself away until i'm dry for a moment, then let pride indulge my desires for a lifetime. I'd rather give myself to someone and have them completely leave me but actually help them, then have these meaningless friendships that were never sincere to begin with. God is my reward. God is my strong tower. He is my friend and the love of my life. And as long as I have God, my cup will be overflowing. And I want it to overflow into all of the relationships in my life.
I just know that God has bigger plans for me than I have for myself. I know that it's my calling to pour myself out. Like a sponge, I want to fill myself up with God, and wring it out into other people's lives. I have a vision to help the homeless. To give away anything I don't need, and save my money to help those who really need it. I've always loved to help people and I will continue to. I will continue to text people and tell them i'm praying about them and I love them. (And I will mean it.) I will keep being the person to follow through on getting together for coffee and if I don't get a word in on my life when we talk, I won't care. I will teach when i am older and pour myself out then. I will go on mission trips. I will disciple girls and lead my generation. I hope when I'm older, I will open my house up to anyone who needs it and to my husband and children.
I will also probably still have nights where I'm just not okay. Life happens. Circumstances change and I am only human. But God is constant.
Today, I went to a memorial service for a man i didn't know and sang with my choir. I stayed for a little while and just cried. I hope when I die, people will be able to say about me that I gave myself away to God and to people.
I feel like my heart has grown from this dull spark to a small flame. I can't wait. I know God's called me to greatness.
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