Unforgiveness.

So here I am again, almost midnight (why do I ALWAYS write blogs at this time of night?) and I'm feeling very convicted. Unforgiveness is such a damaging sin. I suppose most are, but unforgiveness has the opportunity to really damage your life if you don't identify it and rid of it.

I tend to think of myself as a pretty merciful person. If someone does something wrong to me, I will analyze the situation to death and make sure i'm not just being emotional. If they do something obviously wrong, I am usually able to look at the big picture and move on and forgive and not even look back on it again when I talk to them. I try my very hardest not to keep a recod of wrongs with anyone, and for the most part, I think I do pretty well at that.

However, if it was a long process of them hurting me, or it took a lot of emotion and a lot of time to get over the hurt, the unforgiveness just harbors itself into the deepest part of my heart and only gets brought up when I hear that person's name or when I'm with them. But I try to ignore it and swollow back the pain because it's not worth it. And I convince myself I've forgiven the person and moved on, but recently this hasn't been the case.

I've been very convicted lately because I realized how bitter and hurt my heart is toward a few people. And it hurts me I am so bitter toward them. I can't pray for them the same or talk to them the same. I realize when I talk to them, I don't want to tell them about my life, and i usually only ask them about there's out of spite. It becomes a thing I have to do. I pray for them for the same reason. I really do want the best for that person, but my prayers become very dry and routine. "Bless this person. Speak to them. Show them who you are." I mean it, but my heart isn't entirely in it. I've lost the love I think Jesus desires I have.

I think most of us kind of skip over that verse saying "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." -Matthew 5:43-45.

Love them. Not only pray for them out of spite, but love them. Love them like Jesus loves them. Pray for their well-being. Pray that they would know a love Jesus like Jesus loves them. Does it say we need to reconcile with the person who hurt us? No. In Ephesians 4:32 it talks about how we need to be compassionate and forgive them because Jesus has forgiven us, but there's no promise saying "then you and the person who has hurt you shall be all good again and everything will be okay."

All he requires is 1) Love them. 2) Pray for them. 3) Forgive them. This is not a magical formula though, there is no promise anything will change. But it's what He desires from us.

I pray Jesus would give me eyes to see his sons and daughters like He does.

At the same time, I'm thankful that our God is so full of mercy and that He never keeps a record of wrongs. He's cast our sin as far as the East is from the West. How incredible.

Now I've identified it. Time to rid of it. It's made it's stay too long.