Paintings.

I have a control problem. Yep, I like it. I like knowing what to expect. I like knowing that if I do A, the outcome will be B.
God never intended this for me. God doesn't ever desire we reign over His plan for us.

I went on a run at sunset and ended up at the football field. I sat down and watched the sunset and closed my eyes thinking of the incredible artist God is. And as I was sitting there I got a picture of me painting on an eisel. As I stood there I was so concentrated on drawing the perfect picture. My mind was set around my perception of beauty, and I would not rest until this picture was captured on paper. But as I tried to draw, my hand was violently shaking, and all my pictures were messed up. I threw away paper upon paper ad got so frustrated. Finally, I stared at he paper crying, but kept painting, determining I would get it right and beautiful one of those times.

Then a man behind me came up and told me, "Wow. What an incredible painting." And I stared at him and I said, "No. Are you kidding me? Once it starts looking beautiful, something wrong happens. And it's ugly again." Then he came closer and said, "Isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? All you need is a steady hand."
Then he took my hand and started painting with me. Once he was done, he stepped back and I was confused. This painting was not at all what I imagined. This picture encapsulated no beauty of mine. It was abstract and confusing to look at. I didn't like it and got frustrated.
"Thanks...But I think I had a different idea..." I started.
"Of beauty? Yes. This is not at all your idea of beauty. But no matter what you paint you can't paint it without a steady hand."
"Oh yeah? Watch me." I told him defiantly. I could draw a beautiful picture.

Over and over again I tried and failed and finally looked over at him and asked him, "Will you help me?" And he smiled and took my hand and said, "Are you willing to give me the paintbrush?"

I would love to tell God, "Of course! Here you go. I want none of my plans. Take it, it's yours." But I need to be genuine and say that I really don't know how. It's not Him drawing a picture WITH me,like the first time, but it's Him completely taking my paintbrush. But never without my consent. God can never take my life over if I don't give it to Him. But this is what God desires of me. That I would be able to surrender all of my plans and give Him what belonged to him the in the first place.

The picture I paint will always be so messed up. And even if the picture God paints isn't beautiful in my eyes, God knows what He's doing. And I don't. And it's incredible that God finds my failed attempts beautiful. He loves me, this I know!