Vulnerable.

I know I haven't blogged in awhile. And I just need some space here to be vulnerable about God- because I think so much of this that I'm struggling with, other people are/have too.

A couple months ago God convicted me of something I hadn't realized I was doing- taking his name in vain. No- I wasn't putting putting His name after "Oh my-" But I was saying God was saying something to me when I really wasn't sure if He was. I would start sentences with "God was showing me..." Or "God told me..." So flippantly and I didn't even realize it.

I had that conviction affirmed four times. I believe God will use what Margaret Feinberg (great author, check out her books) calls "Sacred Echos". I think if God wants to get something across to us, He will speak in repetition. One time I heard it through a sermon at the Mill. The second time my friend told me about sometimes we mistake God's voice for what our emotions want God to say. And then I read it in a book called The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer. And then again in the book of Romans. It kept being brought up back to back, and I began wondering; "Am I making up a God who I want to hear, or am I worshipping the God who actually exists?" So I told God I would be more conscious of what His voice sounds like. And then I wondered, have I ever known God's voice?

I started just reading the Bible- where I know God's voice to be found. I studied it and prayed and waited. But even just reading the Bible left me wanting a specific word directly to me. While I love the Bible- It's the word of God- I just wanted God's voice to be that familiar like it was to Paul and James and John. I wanted a sentence starting off with "Sierra, ..." and I became discouraged. I kept praying and praying and doing what I know to do: Reading my Bible, tithing, praying, etc. But after awhile, which is where I am now, I have to wonder, "Is this all there is to my relationship with God?"

My prayers had almost become, what I saw, as brick wall prayers. Just standing there muttering to the air hoping someone would hear it. Because I didn't know if anyone did. I asked for God to speak something to me. I told Him I missed Him. And when I did "hear" something, I doubted if it was God or if it was my emotions wanting God to sound like something familiar. You know- "I love you"'s, or "You are so beautiful." But I realized, all of those are just head knowledge. I think that if God speaks to us "I love you", it should destroy us in the realization.

And lately, God is becoming less of a personal God and more distant. I have no problem in recognizing the Holiness of God, the omnicient power of He who spoke me into existence. But I have such a hard time recognizing that God is my friend and desires to just spend time with me. I know God loves me, I just can't grasp that He likes me. I feel so small. He could take the Earth and everything I know away in just a word- why would He desire to speak a word to me? Am I just not receptive to hearing His voice? Am I so calloused and doubtful that He's screaming at me and I can't hear it? I'm a bit envious of Thomas who got to put his hand in Jesus', where the nail had pierced Him. I wish God could just be here with me.

I have so many questions like,
"What if God were with me as my friend now? What would our friendship look like?"
"Does God only speak at certain times, like when I am persistent? If so, why?"
"If we manipulate who God actually is all the time, who is God?"

I have so many questions, and I think it's okay. I think this is a good time in my life that is necessary to happen. Relationships are meant to be two-sided though, and it's not wrong of me to want to hear back. I would so much rather confront these questions head-on, then worship someone I don't actually know personally. I know so much about God- I know He has a lot to say. I know He loves me. I know He desires to talk to me. I know He gives rest to the weary. I just want to hear it. I want to hear the voice of the One who has given me these words to speak. I know His presence, and I see God everywhere I am- He created it all.

I simply just want to hear it.

I encourage you to ask questions too: until we start asking about God I wonder if we will ever know who God actually is to us. I think He will surprise you. I think you have questions too that God is wanting to answer. Maybe God will reveal Himself to you in repetition. Or maybe like Elijah in 1 Kings, He will show Himself to you in a whisper. But never stop seeking. Start being honest with God. Ask Him questions. But don't shy away from them, God wants all of our hearts: Even the questions.

"Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love- Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above."