Ordinary Visions.

I have no idea where to start, but I've been learning so much about God, and a lot about myself. I have learned so much and I have no idea what to write. I'll just go.

As far as the perfectionism goes, I've been working on it.
Yesterday, I did my laundry. It was a Monday. I only do my laundry on Saturday's.
I got my gas on a Tuesday.
I actually bought some stuff with this paycheck instead of putting it all into savings for who-knows-what.
I re-thought going to ORU and next year. I might go to PPCC for a year to get all of my general ed classes out of the way.

I'm still very far from not being a perfectionist. Yesterday at Taco Bell I stayed an extra half an hour past my shift because I wanted to clean it better. I took it personally when Jared called to tell me there were smudges on the glass and crumbs on the floor. Legitimately offended. And I sighed deeply realizing I still have a long way to go.

But lately, I've heard a billion sermons and read so many books on the "ordinary". And it's been the most encouraging thing in my life. For soooo SOOOOO soooooooooo long I've hated my ordinary life. I hated the mundane. I wrote in my journal on May 28th: "I want to run away. Start over. Live differently somehow. I'm tired of the mundane. So sick of the predictable. Why do I feel as I write that it's exactly where God wants me? I HATE being here."

Haha, I think that was God trying to speak to me there. Maybe. Point is, I've always been so upset with being boring ol' Plain-Jane Sierra. I pitied myself, even. And then I heard Daniel Grothe speak on something so contrary to what I had thought God wanted for so long.

He just wants my small, ordinary, every-day moments. I decided when I die, I want to be known for living the most extraordinary ordinary life.

Daniel Grothe spoke about Moses, Mary, and Paul. They are the "heroes" of the faith, but they were two murderers and an unwed pregnant lady. We see them as heroes, but in their day I'm sure they were frowned upon. They were known for those few extraordinary parts in their life, but what about the rest of it?

What about David? He was chosen as he was tending to his sheep to be king. His dad didn't even consider him to be the king. And David was faithful to being a shepherd. And God still chose him. But what was he doing? The same thing he had probably been doing since he was young. Every day. And through his ordinary-ness, God saw him.

I just want to bring glory to God where I am. Today. Tomorrow. In my every day. I want my conversations to be full of wisdom. My motives to be of love. My coffee conversations to be building people up.

At girl time today we were asked "What is your vision for next year?"

Here's mine: I want to make the most of the everyday boring routine. I've had this huge vision of saving my whole high school for so long and then got discouraged when the day is done and I'm at my locker realizing I did really nothing to "win back my school for Christ." My vision is to focus on loving individual people. Get coffee with them. Pray for them. Serve them in whatever capacity I can.

And my vision for the future?

I want to live with purpose in my ordinary-ness. In complete surrender and abandonment to God's plan for my life. We all have a desire for greatness, and I haven't lost sight of the great things I think God wants to do with me. But I think the great things start with the small things and I so deeply want to please God in my every day. Which will probably be around 95% of my life. :)

I want to be an excellent student and employee. Doing my job to the best of my ability (even if it's at a fast food restaurant).I want my eyes to be open to seeing the needs of people at work and when I can serve people.
I want to, maybe more than anything, be an excellent wife and mother. I want to be a house wife or a teacher. I want to serve my family. Write letters, call, or e-mail friends to see how their heart is doing and asking what I can do to help. Open my house to anyone in need. Be willing to anything God is asking and inconvenience myself at times to help people.

I can't lose myself in the extraordinary when the ordinary moments have the opportunity to be extraordinary.

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything you do. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. Serve them sincerely because of your reverent fear for the Lord. Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you are working for the Lord rather than people."
- Colossians 4:22-23.

There's more about Job, but I'll write another blog.
I am happy, people. I am genuinely joyful. :)

Learning Times Two.

I've done a lot of learning between the last post and this one. It all started in the realization of what my last post stated- this realization that it is not about what I want. It is all about who He is. And let me tell you, my entire time of worship changed completely when I started worshiping who He is.

A couple Friday's ago I went to the Mill and in worship I found myself completely abandoned in worship. I couldn't get enough of just putting my emotions and myself aside and loving the God who saved me. This song spoke right into my heart, the chorus simply said: "Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah God you saved me." And as I sang those words my heart matched them, and I started laughing because I felt genuine joy I hadn't felt in so long. How incredible it is when I take my eyes off of myself. He is worthy.

I think sin sometimes does keep us from hearing God's voice. It places a wall between us and God where He simply can't reach because we've allowed it to take the place of Him. Isaiah 59:2 says "It's your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore."

That's kind of harsh, I feel.

But as I dissected this verse and understood that it wasn't because God was "mean", but because there is no way God can reach us if we continue to live in sin. And usually we don't need to confront God and ask God what our sins are, we can usually identify in ourselves our sin.

I realized mine was (is) pride. I have been trying to figure out my life by myself for so long. I wanted to fix myself and be someone better than who I was, but I didn't involve God in it at all. I didn't realize how focused on myself I became. "In his pride the wicked does not seek Him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God." - Psalm 10:4. Of course God can't get to me, in all my thoughts there is no room for Himself.

From my pride, too, stemmed my desire to be perfect. I noticed when I would be cleaning the lobby at Taco Bell and every night I would walk away so disappointed. I would be like, "Ugh. I could've done so much better..." And I started forming task lists and being so cautious in everything I did because at the end of the day I felt accomplished when it got all done. But my God times would always get pushed aside or shortened because this task list kept running through my mind.

I'm still definitely working on these things, because I am content in my task lists, honestly.

I was reading 1 Samuel 28:1-7 the other day and it says "He inquired of the Lord, but the Lord did not answer Him." Now, in context, Saul was one of God's anointed ones (1 Sam 26:11) and yet he kept disobeying God. He had so much sin, maybe that's why God refused to answer him. Maybe His silence suggested "I will not go onto another matter in your life until we deal with this one." Saul here was in a sticky situation, He was praying to Him out of desperation. But God refused to answer. Maybe because God wanted to be wanted beyond being a last resort.

I am working on the sin in my life that may be keeping this wall between me and Him. In the meantime, He is worthy of my time and attention and admiration.

Learning.

It is 2:45 a.m. and I am up, pondering God and who He is.

I realized the other night, what am I doing to God? Who do I want Him to be?

I want God to be a friend. I want Him to be here.
But isn't there more to God than just a friend?

Is His friendship but a single attribute which makes Him God?

Just because I don't see this one attribute of Himself, I don't worship with my whole heart. Isn't His Holiness alone enough to worship?

God is much, much more than what I want Him to be right now.

I know God is faithful. I know He is Holy and unchangeable and has transformed my life. Is that not enough to worship?

My friend Jared said something interesting the other day. He said maybe God will take away His friendship attribute for awhile because we haven't fully embraced His Holiness.

I'm thinking out loud here- But maybe it's in a place of realization of how Holy He is that He will speak to me. When I am in admiration, not expecting anything from God but to be admired, isn't that often where we hear that familiar voice?