New Chapter.

I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

I feel like God is nearer as I just put myself aside and worship God for who He is. I'm not confident in His voice still, and His love still makes no sense to me. But I've been learning so much about Him and myself.

Recently, God's been doing a lot of stretching my comfort zone. I've had to wrestle with a lot of things and in tears give it up to God. A lot of that has been recent. Such as: my pride, my desire to be perfect, my insecurities, my want to just be someone great instead of someone great in ordinary circumstances. (there's more than this list, but those are my very generic things. ;) )

And I think He's taking all of these things away not because He just decided it was the right time, I think a couple months ago would've been a good time, too. The difference is that I'm letting Him do it. I think He's wanted to do it for a long time but I simply wouldn't give Him control, because everything was so comfortable to me. But I never felt peace about anything. I'm giving up control of my life because I realize I can't do anything apart from Him. And I had no idea how painful giving up would be.

I wrote in my journal tonight, "I have such a broken peace about life. Broken, in the way that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. And I have been, a lot. But peace in the way that through tears I find that I'm right where God wants me to be. I know I'm going to be okay. And I'm joyful in knowing that all the things I've given up are for the better and God is going to use me through my pain. I can't explain how I just know this is where God wants me, but I just feel okay letting it all go."

I'm still working on giving everything up. It's not so sudden as just "I'm giving it up!" And then it's no problem anymore. It is a problem. And it takes a huge effort on my part to actually rid of these things, I'm sure I'll be working for a long time. But I am working on it. And God is working in me.

And I know I'm right where I should be.