Vulnerable pt. 2

As I was looking back through my blogs, I read my May 20th entry (called "Vulnerable") and realized that that was when all of "this" started; "This", being my adventure of wanting to discover God for myself. Here's what I wrote in my journal tonight.

"I have no connection with God.

It breaks my heart to see those words on paper because I think it's my fault, mostly, for not being disciplined enough to actually figure it out, and I can't escape the thought that I'm doing something very, very wrong with this whole thing. It's not that I don't believe in God- I do. I believe that He created this world and me and He is powerful and omniscient. I do not know that He loves me or cares for me in the slightest. Insecurities and doubt have taken God's place and it's no wonder I feel like life is falling apart.

I was in church the other day, and I've always been pretty conscious of the quote by A.W. Tozer that says, "Christians rarely say lies, we just go to church and sing them." So as we sang, I realized I couldn't sing anything because it was about surrender, and my lips would not budge to move what my heart didn't agree with. And I thought to myself, "Look how far I have fallen..." as a confession to God and a realization to myself.

A couple weeks ago, I started a study on religion to try and figure out God: Put a nice bow around Him, so that all the sudden I could say to myself, "This all makes sense." But as intriguing as it was, different religions ended up being an excuse to hide behind so I wouldn't have to deal with mine. It raised more questions in my mind than answers which are intellectually stimulating to ponder, but useless in the grand scheme of things. I decided I needed to back up and look at the big picture, what do I believe in?

So I started questioning. I think this time of questioning, if it does not produce doubt that lingers or remains, will produce great perseverance. I've realized I do not want a God I can put on a bumper sticker or a nice Facebook status. I do not want a God that I can be intellectually stimulated by, or a God that I just "feel... and I just know He exists." I am tired of fake Christianity. I am tired of legalistic Christianity; when I can't say "sex" because it is from the devil. I am tired of ignorant belief based on feelings and not established upon truth. I've grown up in that environment, and at one point or another I had to ask myself if I was worshiping a formulaic system which "depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. (Colossians 2:8)" or God Himself. I'll admit I've become cynical and judgmental of the church, and I have become more calloused and less willing to love, and I am working on it. This blog is titled, "Vulnerable", try not to look at me differently. ;)

I keep thinking about Thomas, and being so envious of Him, that in His doubt He was able to put his finger in the hole in Jesus' hand. "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."- John 20:27. Wouldn't that make things 60 times easier? I admit that I have actually asked God if He would make things that clear to me.

If this God I believe in is indeed, real, and as powerful as He says He is, I cannot patronize Him by being a half-hearted-Sunday-morning-Christian. Either He is real; and every moment and every decision I make will echo in eternity, or this man Jesus was a crazy person and His followers follow an idea to satisfy an emotion. It is not a choice to settle in complacency, either He is much bigger and more worthy than that or I am wasting my time even thinking about it. I believe it's the first.

That is why I think I'm in this place. It's terrifying. I cannot remain in this apathy, but I'm afraid I am indeed here, and this process may take awhile. But here I am, this is what my life consists of currently, and I pray that I don't remain here much longer. But we will see..."

Here's a song that I always find myself listening to. It's one of those songs that never get old to me, because it's so honest, and I think very applicable to what I've been talking about.