Christians vs. Humanitarians

Recently I came across a poll someone from ORU posted asking, "should you give money to people that ask for it?" And I was expecting to open it and see like, 2 people saying "no." Wrong. 70% of people said no. I would say at least 90% of all the people that answered were from ORU (therefore, Christians). I started reading comments on it and people were saying,

"Give them what they need, not what they ask for (food, clothes etc.)" And other were saying, "It's a case by case basis, you can't just give to everyone who asks since a lot of them use the money on drugs and such."

The consensus was, we should give them food and clothes and gift cards, but not cash. This is something I've been taught, too, that homeless people beg for money to use on "bad" things, so we need to be careful. I've also heard that homeless people make a lot of money, around $100 an hour. I'm not stupid. I know you should use common sense and discernment when giving out your money to people. What concerns me is that Christians look no different than humanitarians, or "good people". Here's what I posted on the comments of that poll:

"Honestly, I'm surprised how many people said no! It's not really up to me to decide what a person's intentions are for my money. They obviously have a need that needs to be met. And even if they are lying, that is not my judgment to be made. That's between that person and God. I think wanting to decide what that person should spend their money on reveals an inner control of our money, and how we can't just give it to someone, we have to give it with conditions."

Expounding on that, I think Christians are just selfish people who want to feel good about when they give, if we are so concerned about what they will do with our money. I'm not necessarily saying this is bad, because everyone is selfish and at least something is being given. What I am saying is that we are judgmental. Who are we to decide the intentions of someone else with our money? If I do believe in the Bible and what Jesus says then it has profound implications in terms of this subject. In Luke it has that verse, the one that says "I was hungry, but no one fed me, I was naked but no one gave me clothes..." Etc. Continuing to say "Whatever you do for the least of these you do for me." If it really is like we are giving to Jesus, who would care of his intention with the money that he wanted you to give Him? I get it, there are dishonest people in the world.They may be living in a mansion and cheating you out of your money. But this is not for us to decide, you are dishonest too. Christians are no better than them, or better than any "good person".

What we are saying when we don't give them money is "I know your life better than you do," regardless if those are the words we put to it. What message does it send to our kids when we drive by and see a homeless person and we say, "Not today, sweetie." In my experience, almost all kids want to give money to homeless people. Weather they have a few coins or a few dollars, it's always, "mommy, let's give that person my money." Because children recognize the need without the rose shaded glasses. They recognize, "I have money and they don't." And a lot of the reason we don't give money is because they look "skechy". So what are we teaching our kids?

We shouldn't ever give if we think that we know the best way for our gift to be used. So what if they spend it on drugs? That sucks, but that's not up to us to decide. You really think that's the issue, go talk to him and quit acting so stuck up. Christians should be praying with them, clothing them, feeding them despite the cost.

If Christians truly believe that we should "Go into all nations and preach the Gospel," it's time to stop saying that we are much better than them because we have money. Because that is what you're saying. Or, we can just accept we like to give them "what they need, not what they ask for" (and we decided we know better than them what they need) and be content in being a good humanitarian, like most people in the world.

This should apply to all of our giving from a Christian standpoint, because we have to accept at some point we may be no better than the world at giving, and in my opinion, we should be.

I Am Thug

Quote

"You cannot go on 'explaining away' forever: you will find that you have explained explanation itself away. You cannot go on 'seeing through' things forever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it. It is good that the window should be transparent, because the street or garden is opaque. How if you saw through the garden too? It is no use trying to 'see through' first principles. if you see through everything, then everything is transparent. But a wholly transparent world is an invisible world. To 'see through' all things is the same as not to see." - C.S. Lewis

God,

If you truly answer prayers, if you care about my small life of me and my friends, do something big. I am desperate, I have no idea what to ask but I know only you can do something in these circumstances. I know you are big and that you are God and beyond that I'm not sure. Regardless, will you accept my small words and weak offerings and show me and my friends who you are? You know my heart and how I desperately want you, but don't know where to go or what to ask. Please teach me how to love you and restore to me the joy of my salvation.

If our hearts condemn us...

"This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. "

1 John 3:19-22

Teachers and Bon Iver...

I've decided to start blogging more.

I've said that at least 3 times. I used to journal a lot, and I blogged a lot more than I do now. I have a lot of thoughts and questions that I never write down, and if only for myself, I think I should.

I've been in a Bon Iver/ Iron & Wine/ Sufjan Stevens kind of mood lately, it's the Fall weather I think. Fall is my favorite season.

Sometimes (okay, a lot of times) it baffles me how much I'm paying for my education. In the age we live in, I can go on the internet and learn a lot more about what I need to learn than what I'm taught in classes. If I have the discipline, I can definitely get my gen eds done at least online.

We have no excuse as to why we can't study, really study, the Bible if we want to. The Bible is more accessible than any time period, ever. Most information is. I can Google the context of a passage, questions I have about the time period in which a particular passage was written, The Greek/ Hebrew meanings of words, it's all at my fingertips. Yet, despite technology, we still don't. The only thing stopping us is our laziness, and/or our desire to do so.

And, despite technology, teachers still have jobs. We need to be forced to do it or we won't oftentimes. I pay to get my butt chewed, basically.

I guess that gives me hope to be a teacher because I'll still have a job.

But I figure any worksheet I give them, any test they'll take or paper they will have to write, the information is ready, available, and better than what I could teach within a mouse click.

I conclude, then, that information is not what teachers need to teach.
Students need examples of a godly man/woman who demonstrates their character through their actions.
Students need to know someone cares and believes in his/her success.
Students need to see an authority figure who is professional and passionate about the subjects they teach.
-It is so obvious when teachers aren't passionate about teaching, and they are bored with it.
There needs to be more teachers who love his/her job.
Students need to be engaged in the subject, to be encouraged that if they don't do well on a test/ homework it does not define his/her character.
Teachers need to know students gifts and talents, especially if they're not particularly "gifted" in that subject.
Grades aren't everything and a student can be successful without college if they're driven enough.
Teachers need to encourage and find the thing that drives them, and guide them into it.

Teachers need to bring life into schools and encourage kids to live his/her life.

I think we're all teachers in some way. To a brother/sister, to a friend, we all teach something. We're demonstrating to someone a way of living, and they are watching and learning from us. From you.

So please, I challenge you:
Teach well.

St. Augustine

"Let us have greater fear that the purity of faith be destroyed by corruption of the inner senses than that women be violently raped in the flesh, for chastity is not destroyed by this violence if it is preserved in the heart, nor is it even violated in the flesh when the will of the victim does not desecrate its own body, but submits without consent to what is done by others."

Getting Used to Things...

Ah. Finally. That sigh of relief that accompanies contentment.

Ahhh.

I was walking around campus today feeling joyful and at peace. There's been no crazy "God-revelation" no special prophetic word over my life, no inspiring prayer meeting that changed my perspective. Just peace in my Spirit about my life, and where I am in it. Finally. Let me tell you how amazing it feels.

I am content with not knowing what's coming to me.
I may be going to Costa Rica this coming Summer.
I may be going to Spain next Fall.
I may or may not get a job next semester.
I may be an RA next year.
I may graduate early.
I'm not stressed though at all. I really want a job, but I keep feeling that I shouldn't apply because I believe God wants to work in me at this time, and I need to involve myself completely in people and in campus things for at least one semester. One of the many things I've learned this week is that I'm not here at ORU to do well at my tests and stress out over homework. I feel that at this point in my life, ORU is exactly where I need to be. And, weather that be God or just be circumstances in my life, that point has been emphasized to me over and over again. This may not be the case in a few years, and I might move back home or somewhere else but right now I need to grow in this place. So, while I am doing well in school, I'm not worried about the tests I have on Monday. I am enjoying my friends, enjoying the outreaches I'm a part of, enjoying each day rather than the things I can't control which is freeing.

This week in particular has been great. I had the opportunity on Wednesday to go to the Salvation Army and lead worship. I don't think leading worship is one of my gifts in particular, so I was nervous. But it ended up being great, and I got a lot of compliments so that was encouraging.
My favorite part was talking to people after, hearing their stories and praying for them. We prayed for Dorothy, who lost her fiance 6 months ago to a shooting in a gas station, and Lesance who in tears told me he just needs to be "okay". What was really great was tonight I got to go back to the Salvation Army to serve dinner, and I got to see both of them and they recognized me. I'm really looking forward to going.
Next week, I'm going to the Laura Dester home, which is a temporary home for kids whose parent(s) are being suspected for crimes that are being investigated or other circumstances where they don't have a home. We get to play games and talk to them. Then, I signed up for my church's nursery on Sundays, and then Big Brothers Big Sisters (a tutoring program) interview is October 4th, that's once a week. My practicum for my education starts on Tuesday, too. I'm going to be a teacher aide for a middle school Spanish teacher in a high-risk school. (Edison high school/middle school). Between those things I have IWC (International Worship Center) and Souls A' Fire on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm in the Spanish club, I LOVE my church (Believers Church) and will hopefully be going to Spanish Church soon, I've been nominated the PMS fairy of the floor (give girls chocolate and medicine) and also the nominated Spanish tutor for a a few people on campus. Needless to say, I've been doing the best I can not to squander my time while I don't have a job...

Somehow, too, I am managing to work out around 4-5 times a week. (Even if it's at midnight like I just did, Haha) I have to brag: 6:45 mile time the other day, and 11:05 mile and a half time. Also, my abs and legs are like ROCKS! Look out, Incline. I'm coming for you.

Being at a Christian college is still hard for me, but I'm learning to love my college. I love being surrounded in people who are (mostly) mature. (Of course, being me, I surround myself with upper classmen, why can't I ever find anyone my own age I like to hang out with?)I love being up until 1:30 every night and having such a varied class schedule. I love that people actually care about school now. I'm learning to have grace for the home school kids who don't know anything besides the Christian bubble, as well as the sheltered kids. I'm starting to find fun things to do on weekends and find good friends. I'm going to talk to a Bible professor soon on some questions I have about the Bible, they scheduled a meeting with me. I have a hard time with certain things like the emotionalism, but it's not mine to judge. God gave me grace for my stupidity and rebellion, who am I to say certain ways of doing things are better than another? I just have to keep my own heart in check, and make sure my worship for God is sincere and whatever other people do is between them and God. I've been getting some good theological and philosophical discussions with good friends, too.

I'm feeling good about myself. I have a lot of work to do between God and I, still, but I really feel like I'm getting to the point where I'm progressing rather than staying the way I've been for so long.

ORU things:
1- PTL= Christian kid lingo for "Praise the Lord"
2- ORU shuffle- what I named the dance they do on stage. It's similar to a rock step. Normally accompanying the song "You are Jehovah"
3- Swing dancing is like a normal campus' clubbing.
4- Ke$ha comes on the radio and we all tilt our heads like, "What is this? Oh yes, the world... out there..."
5- "Where did you go to church today?" "Oh, I slept in." "..." "I had a ton of homework, you know. I just felt sick, I'm going to go tonight." *silent disapproval*
6- What do you do for fun? Well, I'm involved in 1600 outreaches to reach the lost for Jesus.
7- "Treasure hunting." A new concept for me: Getting a group of people, praying and asking God to reveal where they should go and who they should pray for, and then going and doing it.
8- Chapel. I haven't been to a single one yet where the pastor hasn't said, "Turn to your neighbor and say..."
9- You're no longer "good" when someone asks, "How are you?" because you may be lying. Say, "I am blessed."
10- Kids counting walking to class with a backpack "backpacking" for aerobic points.

There's ORU in a nutshell. It's 2 a.m., time to start on some homework... ;)
GOING HOME IN 2 WEEKS AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blessings and peace be unto you brethren...
;)



I want to slow dance to this song. There's that weird comment again, Ryan Pacheco...

Sierra

Scribblings (What Went Wrong)

Finally uploaded it... :)

Vlog 8

Goals of the semester:

For the purpose of accountability I am posting my list of goals I made a few nights ago.


Goals:
1)Find identity
a) In God
b) Figure out who I am
2) Gain confidence
3) Eat healthier- 1 serving of fruits and vegetables with every meal
4) Stop drinking soda... :(
5) Exercise 4-5 days a week
6) Meet 1 person a day (Get out of dorm!)
7) Involve myself in opportunities to get outside myself (outreaches)
8) Be intentional with whom I surround myself with, know many but be close friends with few who strive after the same things I do.
9) Gain humility
10) Spend time in prayer/Word every day


There we have it folks, I'm doing it the ORU way: Body, mind, and Spirit. :)

Vlog 6

Cynicism

First off, I'd like to say, I really love John Mark McMillan. His vision for worship is evident in all of his songs. It's more than music, it is his heart- his genuine struggles and genuine praise. I have enormous respect for him breaking out of the mold of "Christian music". I can connect to the lyrics in his songs. His lyrics are poetic, raw, and real; similar to David in the Psalms.

I recently discovered his blog and he's got a lot to say about a lot of things, and I love reading them. Here's part of one of his blogs:

"It’s too easy to be jaded and cynical. I think artists and writers who rely on cynicism are lazy. I mean, am I the only one who ever thought “if I hear one more anti-war song I’m going to blow my own head off”. Negativity isn’t depth. It takes almost no creativity or effort to be jaded. In fact, it’s where you end up when you’ve stopped trying all together.

Still, it’s always a temptation because you’ll always have an audience when you want to say something controversial. People love angry posts. They love it when you give them permission to sulk. They love it when you justify their own offenses."

johnmarkmcmillan.wordpress.com

In other news...
Tulsa is treating me well. I am so excited for what God wants to do with me. I am realizing how much I have hid from him and people in my sin. And what I've found so far about ORU is that it is very hard to hide in sin here. My sin is in my face and evident for all- there's really no room for secrets. It's a little scary for me realizing now how much I have hidden from God for various reasons.

Here's to embarking on this journey.

What an Interesting Day...

I have been thinking about a lot today, It's been quite the contemplative Tuesday.

There was a lot of ups and downs today. I had really good encouragement in the afternoon as well as a really awkward and dramatic situation at night...

Today has been the first time I've been even the slightest bit nervous for college.
I am so happy with the friends I've established pre-college, because I know they will last in college and I will have people to come home to. But these people know me, really know me, and I haven't had to make new friends for awhile because I've been content with the few who are around me.

I think sometimes I shove people away because I don't want superficial friendships. But I'm realizing how little tact I have, and how when it's important to establish a good relationship I can be more hurtful than helpful even if I'm "just being myself."

I surround myself with pretty aggressive people who aren't offended when I jump right out and say things out of the blue. But doing that with strangers is not the best approach. Sometimes small talk is needed and necessary to get to the point where I can say things and they can take it constructively and not offensively. They don't know I mean well and have the best intentions, because they don't know me at all. After awhile of having the same friends, I guess it became easy to treat everyone the same.

I told Sierra the other night I admired this attribute in her- she has incredible tact to analyze a situation and see what is called for in that particular situation.

I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous about making friends at ORU. Square one. New slate for me. I'm excited for that fresh slate, but nervous about what that actually entails. I'm sure I'll make good friends, and I'm sure I'll be able to be myself around them. And if all else fails, I'll have Rachel who can see through my tactless comments and faults and see my intentions. Yay friends.

22 more days. 3 weeks. Wow.

P.S. I got a credit card today, I'm a big kid now.
Good Night world, I'll see you tomorrow with all new adventures.

Vlog 6!

WHAT'S UP.

Jon Foreman is the man.

http://guidemeinyourtruth.tumblr.com/post/6670704756/jon-foreman-when-asked-if-switchfoot-is-a-christian

I am 18 today.
Maybe I should go buy a baby bullet from the TV just because I can.
Also, I share my birthday with sliced bread. It is 84 years old.
What a great day to be born! I'm looking forward to the next year, a lot will be changing for me. I am so excited for where God will be leading.

Speaks for itself.

How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

Choices vs. Heredity.

I view my life a little like a game of Texas Hold 'em. (And yes, I did just start playing this game. ;) )
I was given cards I have to deal with. They may not be fantastic, but complaining to the dealer to give me new cards is useless. I can make the most out of the cards I have.

These are the cards I was dealt, and I can choose to play them well or play them poorly.

I was reading some C.S. Lewis again yesterday (How many posts about C.S. Lewis will I have? We'll see...) And I came across this quote which resonated with my "Texas Hold 'em" thought.

"That is why Christians are told not to judge. We see only the results which a man's choices make out of his raw material. But God does not judge him on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it. Most of the man's psychological makeup is probably due to his body: when his body dies all that will fall off him, and the real central man, the thing that chose, that made the best or the worst out of this material, will stand naked. All sorts of nice things which we thought our own, but which were really due to a good digestion, will fall off some of us: all sorts of nasty things which were due to complexes or bad health will fall off others. We shall then, for the first time, see every one as he really was. There will be surprises."

I found this interesting. There are things about me, and about us, that are merely hereditary. Such as; to begin with something simple, being skinny. Having a fast metabolism is not my choice- it is a blessing, for sure, but it was only a result of good genes. However, if I eat crap (which I often do), I am not honoring God any more than the 400 pound woman not as "blessed" as I. The only reason I regard myself as "better" is the way the world looks at me- being skinny signifies health. But it's possible I am just as unhealthy as the other woman who did not have the "skinny" gene. What will it matter at the end of our days when we face judgment? Who will have honored her temple more?

Or, another example of something more inward, my patience. Patience in my family runs in the blood- we can put up with a lot before we explode. And our "explosions" are minor, many people would hardly consider them "explosions" at all. Anger is not a characteristic of me at all, I can recall only a few times I have ever legitimately been angry. Sure, it has saved me many-a-stupid-decision or confrontation, but I think that's more convenient than really honoring God. While it may glorify God for me to hold my tongue and not become angry, it comes much more natural for me than the person who consciously holds his/her tongue when his/her natural inclination is to explode. I think that choice will honor God more than when I hold my tongue, because my decision to do so could hardly be considered as a decision at all.


Is it fair to have different standards for every individual person, considering every person has things they are naturally good or bad at? Or does God hold us to the same standard?
I don't know. But based on scripture such as Proverbs 21:2 and 1 Thessalonians 2:4 which tell us God judges the motives of our heart, and my understanding of a just God from the Bible, in my finite mind I could conclude God will judge us based on what we make out of the raw material rather than the raw material itself. (80)

I hardly believe that I will receive the "Well done, good and faithful servant" by simply maintaining my figure and exercising patience, because there was no effort involved, and I was born given these gifts. Surely, I can go against them and become fat and angry, but that would mostly likely be a conscious decision.

It is much more difficult for me to swallow my pride and shut up sometimes when I don't know something (Something that is not natural for me- I'd rather pretend I know something rather than just saying "I don't know.") And I find it much more likely that I will be judged for going against my "sin nature" that would want me to do that, and choose what is "good." Of course, that means we must define what is "good" and "bad" because without a standard we cannot be judged for anything.

I believe that as people who have free will, we pervert "good". But it must be fair to hold humans to a the same standard if there is an established principle of what "good" is, and for most people that is what morals are. If we are striving toward perfection, and as Christians we would call Him God, He is the standard of what good is and therefore we know which choices we make in order to become more like Him or less like Him.

I believe God established laws and principles for that reason, not to enforce nonsense rules but for us humans to hold ourselves to a standard of good. For the man who struggles with sexuality- God established the line so the man must choose to be driven by His nature or choose to honor God. The thing is, I think God knows who men and women we were meant to be before the fall, and now we have parts of us that are naturally more like Him or genetically not.

But we must remember that we are more naturally part of God's family and heredity, and the more we choose to give the parts of ourselves that are not naturally like Him, to Him, the more we become like Him.

I'd like to know your thoughts. I know mine are kind of jumbled.

This blog's

White page keeps staring at me. Expecting me to type something profound.

Can I be honest with you?
I have nothing profound.
I have nothing but my small words and honesty- when oftentimes, all that amounts to is words on a page.

I am so okay with that.

I love that I am simple, honestly.

I resolve to honesty with myself.
With you.
I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, as most of my blog followers know.
Oftentimes I'm stubborn, emotional, vindictive, and very selfish.

But I have gifts God has given me and in the last little while I have been able to look at myself and really love and hate some of the parts I see. There are things about myself I will not sacrifice- they are part of me, they are who I am.


Allow me to be vulnerable. I'm learning a lot about myself. Give me some grace. I'm in a time in my life where everything will be changing, and everything already is. My actions reflect my heart. Confused, lonely, and unsure.

As much as I want my comfort, I've been absorbed in myself so much I didn't even notice and I'm sorry if I've hurt any of you.

But I will be changing myself.
I will be more caring, aware, loving, self-sacrificing.
I will be letting go of things and people that hinder me.
I will be less complacent and more disciplined.
I will resolve to know Christ, and if it comes with a price tag, I'm willing to let it hurt for awhile.

As I grow in godliness and maturity, maybe I will say something profound. And maybe I won't.
But the fruit of my life will reflect my heart.

Turning a New Leaf...

What an incredible night.

My boyfriend and I broke up tonight, which was not incredible. Quite credible, actually.
But it made me realize I do have the best friends who will ditch their plans to be with me when such things do happen. Sierra and Rachel, you are the best ever. And Ryan- thanks for talking to me about random things to keep my mind off of it.

I've spent the last while so upset because of how lonely I feel- one of the biggest insecurities I have. But I'd rather have few friends who I'm positive will be there for me on times like these to get some Ben & Jerry's and curl up to a movie with.

I'm going to be blogging more- most likely because I'll have more time on my hands, and because I want to write down the ways I'm growing or not. Now I'm off to Melissa's house, for "retail therapy and dinner". Haha. :) What a great life I have. I'm ready for the next part of it, and what God has called me to in this place.


This video continues to make me smile.



College Countdown: 45 days. :)

En lo que venga...

Eres Dios, y soy tuyo. Soy tu hija, y eres mi amante.
Nunca quiero estar aparte de ti, para siempre voy a gritar soy tuya.

No quiero nada aparte de tu. En voz alta yo proclamo: En lo que venga, eres Dios y soy tu hija.




p.s., the biggest club at ORU is the Spanish Club. :) :)

Back to Sunday School.

Here I am in McDonalds listening to Sufjan Stevens and reading Lee Strobel's Case for a Creator. It's a Grind closed at 9 so then I came here for the wifi. Haha. It's been a great afternoon of relaxing and contemplation.

For those of you who may not know who Lee Strobel is, he was an atheist who came to Christ through the logical pursuit of (mostly) biological studies- discovering it took more faith to not believe in intelligent design than to do so.

I found it interesting while reading Case for a Creator that the big turning point in Strobel's atheism was his wife's change in character. The first time he even thought about researching Christianity was his wife's change in behavior. At first he thought she was crazy, and even considered divorce.

Something I've been thinking about is how differently people act who are alive in Christ. Not just pretending and in turn doing good things... but people who really are in nature more kind, more gentle, etc. In my lack of the pursuit of Christ, I have seen myself digress in character- as much as I hate to admit it. I noticed, even today, at work my laziness and how entitled I felt to be so. (after all, Taco Bell for 2 years... who can really blame me? ;))How much more likely I am to slander stupid customers who make me mad, and even how much more likely I am to become angry at stupid things I never used to.

Even in this time of "tango" (Yeah... I'll think of a better word for it), I've seen the life of the Holy Spirit alive in people. The fruits of the Spirit really do exist... it's not just a mentality. Being in-tune with the Holy Spirit really does change you.

It's not that hard to believe that being with Jesus puts to death my flesh desires, and being alive in Him makes it easier to be like Him and not make stupid decisions. But on the opposite side of that, I never realized how much those fruits of the Spirit would slowly dissipate when I started pursuing things to make me feel better rather than Jesus. I have claimed my pride over the freedom that comes in Christ, wanting to "know it all myself because I have intellect, thank you very much." And in turn, sacrificed the fruits of the Spirit that came with knowing Him.

I re-read Galatians 5 today and felt convicted, and this blog particularly is very much me just "rambling" because there is a pull in my heart missing what I had, but more than that, missing the freedom that comes with knowing Christ.

And I thought that was just a "feel good Christian phrase". ;)

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.


Yes, I have free will to choose my decisions and choose to do "good things". But it's beyond "good things"- Becoming like Jesus comes with facility when we follow Christ and the Spirit is alive in us.

I can work out my salvation all I want with logical arguments, and nothing is wrong with that. Except there's a part of me that longs for more of a meaningful life in Christ, and a more meaningful life in general. I don't even want to "be good" to people, to be honest I don't really care about pleasing people that much. I'm not interested in living a "good Christian life." It's Christ I'm interested in. I care about living the life God intended for me, and I think that always is to have God's Spirit alive in me.

Still figuring it out. This sounds very basic, I know, fruits of the Spirit Sierra? Really? Haha. Back to Sunday School. I think this is where I need to restart. Back at the beginning.

:)

Tonight is a Justin Nozuka night.

Dynamo of Volition

It amazes me someone can do this song so well live.
He deserved his own post.


On a side note, I graduated. I got a new laptop. My built in webcam actually works. Add me on skype: sierra.eberle.

Finally time to blog...

I know, I know. It's been awhile. I've thought about writing, and then been overwhelmed with school or work that I just haven't had time. But I'd like to inform you all that...

I AM DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL!!! :)

I graduate on Tuesday (3:30 at New Life, come?) and then I never have to step in that school again.
My friends at school seemed so morose on the last day and told me, "I just can't believe it's all over. All the memories, all of my friends, I'm going to miss it so much." and I usually replied with, "I'm sorry." Because I have not felt any of those emotions about high school ending. I feel overdue in graduating, because most of my friends already graduated and in a way, I felt like a young super-senior. So all I am doing is rejoicing. I already checked out at the beginning of the year, it's nice to actually be done.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'll miss certain people and Colorado as a state, and I'm sure I'll miss it more once I actually leave. But for now I could get on a plane right now with no regrets and start my school year- if I could.

It's feels incredible to be done with curfew and stay out until 4 a.m. just because I can, and then sleep until 1 p.m. It's awesome to not have to worry about homework or read any books or write any papers. I in some sort of cheesy way I feel like my life is really about to begin.

I know, cliche.

I keep thinking how glad I am that I made the choice to go to ORU next year. I'm excited to make new friends, to be surrounded by people who share the same worldview as I do, to be challenged spiritually, and to grow up a little in maturity.

Here's to the next four years of my life- to rekindle the flame with Christ I know needs to be lit again.

I feel burnt out on religion, so tired of going to church and hearing the same things I always have. I'm tired of hype of emotion without being able to discern if it is or isn't from God,and I'm tired of acting like I have God all figured out. I know I never will, but my journal is full of blank pages because I'm too ashamed to admit I haven't been pursuing Christ. I keep telling myself this is all necessary, and questioning my faith is a good thing. But it feels so shameful, like I'm stuck in this rut while everyone else is going about their God life flawlessly. I'd rather feel in love with God like I was than be stuck here, but with where I've been with it, it's not that easy. I don't want to be like I was, but it was so much easier to pursue Christ like that... I think...

As a result of this, I have been so insecure. I have never felt so unsure of anything in my life. I find myself trying to be affirmed by someone, anyone else that may be able to fill a part of the void I feel. There are bits and pieces I feel sometimes of God's love for me, usually when I am sitting at my piano singing what I feel to Him, or when I listen to certain songs like Love Came Down by Brian Johnson (I cry like a baby to that song) or Veils by Jason Morant. But everything else I hear about the love of God I feel is so distant and so far from me that I just get frustrated and tired of it all, and then end up acting out of insecurity in a lot of decisions.

I want more confidence in myself and who God has made me, but that's just the thing, I don't know who that person is.

I know a lot of my blogs have been like this, and that's frustrating in itself because I do want to move forward. I feel that a lot of my relationship with Christ I'm going to have to start over with.

Anyway, off to work. I just woke up 3 hours ago, this is confusing...
I would appreciate prayer, whoever is reading this blog, for confidence in myself and in Christ.

Vlog 5

A vlog about my bank account, prom, and dancing.

Spring sickness

I had a lot of plans for Spring break. And then I got a cold.

So now I'm sitting here with a roll of toilet paper and drugged up on dayquil- reading Crime and Punishment. I don't have a fever yet, which means I have to continue coming into work until I do because we just fired 2 of our employees which means I'm stuck taking those people's shift while we find someone else. Hoorah, perfect timing...

I promise I'll write about something significant sometime. There's been a lot going on in this head of mine, but I've been reverting back to writing. You know- with a pen and paper. In the meantime, here's Damien Rice. I like this guy.

Also, this is awesome. Future boyfriend, we are doing some of these things: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4FeJSy/9gag.com/full/3619

Couldn't help myself.

"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavely creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into the one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself.

To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal lonliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.

The right direction leads not only to peace but to knowledge. When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him."

Lemon poppyseed muffins and Clive

I just made another batch of lemon poppyseed muffins. At midnight.

I've made 3 batches this week. 1 for work, 1 for spanish class, and now tonight I made one allllll for myself. :D

Oh, the simple joys of life. Baking is one of my favorite things to do. It was the perfect way to celebrate the start of Spring break. ;) I'm going to be that mom, and that grandma: the one with cookies and brownies when they come home from school. I will make my kids fat if I'm not careful. ;)

I had a great past few days with Rachel being home; I saw Adjustment Bureau with her and Elisabeth and Trevor and lots of friends(which was SO good), and then theMILL the next day with lots of friends. It was nice. I felt very social.

I've also been re-reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and I love the way he sets up his book. He starts out in the first part by not even mentioning God- but just the logical reasoning that says, "there has to be something out there." Which then progresses to what Christians believe. I'm enjoying it a lot.
Here are some quotes:

"If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad. And free will has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata- of creatures that worked like machines- would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designed for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they must be free.

Of course God knew that would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently he thought it worth the risk. Perhaps we feel inclined to disagree with Him. But there is a difficulty about disagreeing with God. He is the source from which all your reasoning power comes, when you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all: it is like cutting off the branch you are sitting on."

"God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise. Thou mine inheritence now and always. Thou and thou only first in my heart, High King of heaven, my treasure thou art. ...Heart of my own heart, whatever befall: still be my vision, O ruler of all.
-Be Thou my Vision.

If I were to do high school over...

fFor me, it's been awhile since I've blogged. So here I am blogging.

First order of business: ORU.
ORU was fantastic. I came back in such an ORU high, I have absolutely no motivation to finish high school. However, I only have 2 more months left, so I think I'll manage. I loved being there, though. I have no doubt in my mind that I am supposed to go there next year. The competition itself was a little hectic; they didn't have me on the list for whatever reason, so they had to shuffle me around into wherever they could put me. It all got worked out though, and I got the interview and essay and met some wonderful people in the process.

I got to hang out with Rachel today as she just came home from break. We went to theMill Sunday school which is a breath of fresh air in midst of fake Christianity. Joe Kirkendall has really challenged me and it's great. I will definitely continue to go. Plus, they had free Panera bagels, so I will definitely continue to go. ;)

It was also very refreshing to hang out with Rachel. She and I have had a long friendship history, since 7th grade when we got paired together in Coram Deo before the Jamaica mission trip with jv_tag. We reminisced by reading all of our journal entires to each other, and saw how much each of us have grown and at the same time, how much we've both stayed a lot the same. We laughed at how I still don't like the same foods, and all the boy problems we considered so monumental at the time.

I admire Rachel a lot- in her genuine love for God, and her humbleness in who she is. She has grown a lot since the last time we talked, and it's very refreshing to be around her, as if we had never stopped talking. We had so much fun.

We went to wal-mart too, and I found out my weakness: girl scouts selling girl scout cookies.
I can pretty easily refuse the people who ask for money for various charities... but I can't refuse a girl scout who wants to sell me cookies. Their eyes are so innocent and I feel like if I refuse them I kicked a little puppy or something equally as sweet in the face.
Also, I once was a girl scout who wanted to sell so many boxes that the world would explode in girl scout cookies.
All I really wanted was the gigantic teddy bear I'd recieve after selling 200 boxes.

All that to say, I bought a box.
It's sad to me I buy girl scout cookies over helping the local animal shelter, but I just don't like animals that much. (Sorry animal lovers, such as my mom...)

I watched a movie last night called "Never let me go". I am unsure what to think of it, still. It was really interesting. It was like a mix of "Minority Report" and "Black Swan" or something, plus some random romance. It's in redbox. I'm still trying to figure it out, because I didn't understand it completely. You should rent it and tell me what you think. I often miss crucial plot lines... So I need people like you movie-watching people to help a sista out.

I started thinking the other day about high school hallways and how awkward they are.
There are those certain people who you never know if you should say hi to or not. Every time you see them, it's always a thought process, will I make eye contact with them? Because if so, I have to say hi. Will they say hi? Maybe I should just start texting, or distract myself in some way...
And then you get to that point where you either look at them and say "Hey!" or just keep walking, but someone has got to take that initiative, and that always depends on their mood.

Now, written down, it's really pathetic, but it happens every day. And then there are those people you see all the way down the hall and you shout their name and run up to them.
If I were to do high school over again, I'd somehow make hallways less awkward. Here are the things I want to do in a hallway:

Set up a picnic in a free period, and anyone who is wandering the halls, I invite them to join me.
Walk backwards.
Skip.
Check myself out for an abnormally long period of time in the trophy-cases.
Start a flash mob.
Cry spontaneously just to see how people react.
Wave to people I've never met, as if I met them, just to see if they'd play along.
Start singing to people as they're making out in the hallway.
Obviously stare at people who are making out in the hallway.
Throw things at people who are making out in the hallway.
Pretend to swim.
Start counting 1...2...6...20! Ready or not here I come! And then be pissed off when everyone is just standing there.
Start a game of tag.
Start "honking" when people in front of me are going too slow.
Hold up traffic signs; red lights and green lights so people from the pods could cross into the rest of traffic.

That's all I've got.
You should add to it if you've got some good ideas.

BED!

Things on my mind...

I just got done packing for ORU.
You would think as much as I've talked about it, I'd be going there for at least a week. Nah, two days.
The idea of getting on a plane by myself to be somewhere I want to live for 4 years thrills me. The idea of getting away as it is, thrills me.

If I could leave now, I would. Now was emotional and sad as that sounds- It's not sad to me. I have very little community here. It has been a struggle to find a church to connect to. I can honestly tell you I will miss my family, the kids I babysit, and 2 or 3 friends here. Don't get me wrong, I am completely content with the people who are in my life. I used to struggle with feeling lonely but I can honestly say now that it's not about feeling lonely. I am content having few but close friends in my life. I am not content with my spiritual life.

I realize going to a Christian college may not help me any more than being here and simply gaining some discipline. It's not as if I'm planning on going to a Christian college and all the sudden changing completely. I am capable of loving God while I am still here, and I'm sure I'd find a great church. It's not about me running away and expecting a different outcome in a different state.

When I went to the campus a year ago, I felt so much peace about it. It felt like home within 24 hours of me being there. And I do believe that being in a community of people who have the same world view as me (for the most part) will have an impact on my Spiritual life. Plus, I would love the freshman college experience. (as lame as that sounds). I definitely want the dorm, the room mate, the crappy college food... Sign me up.

I am scared when I go tomorrow I will not feel the same way about the college.
I am scared I'll have to stay another year when all that's in me wants to just leave.

We'll cross that bridge if it comes.

On another note, I had one of my favorite choir concerts tonight in awhile. One, because it was only about 45 minutes long. Second, I got to speak spanish to the crowd and I had 2 solos. It was a lot of fun.

I'm having a weird emotional part of my life.

In the past week I have gone on an emotional rollercoaster. For the first time the other night in about 3 or 4 months, I sobbed for a good 15 minutes. One of those "Dane Cook- I did my best" kind of cries, where you're hitting things and saying profanities whilst having a relentless stream of tears rolling down your cheeks.

But the day after I was perfectly happy.

It's more than just my usual up and down emotions of being on my period (if we're all being honest). I've been seeing my faults with unusual clarity lately. Don't get my wrong- I like myself just fine. It's not in an insecure way where I'm cutting myself down, it's more objective. My faults are what they are. I've been asking other people what they see in me that they think I should work on and it's been humbling. Here's what I've got:

I look too far into the future that I deny what's staring at me in my face in the present.
I pretend like I don't want people's attention, but I do.
I am quick to assume and judge without the whole story.
I can be tactless.
At times, I see only what I want to see.
I am too attractive and I smell too good. (Thanks, Ryan.)
I have perfectionist tendencies that carry out into my relationships.
I take things personally when they shouldn't be taken personally.
I will pretend to feel a certain way to either draw attention or make the people around me comfortable, but will deny what I'm actually feeling.
I can be hypocritical in the way I live my Spiritual life. I can tell someone they should do something and model something completely different.
My insecurities make many of my decisions.
I am lazy in my pursuit of God.
I will assume I know best and my way is better without listening to the other person.

There are others, too, but I don't feel like sharing them on a very public blog.
I want to be a woman full of integrity and love for people and I'm lost on how to get there. I love that my friends are honest with me, and I expect them to keep me accountable in this. Like I said, I really am not insecure about this, more convicted about it all and wanting so badly to be the woman God has called me to be.

Be aware I am working on myself. I see these in myself and I appreciate the honesty in the people I've talked to. And I'd love some more feedback.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.
But if I believe God has a plan for my life, I want to be the woman He intended for me to be. It's why I was sobbing so hard the other night. I came before God so broken in who I am, in realization of what a mess I've gotten myself into.

I'd rather fail trying to be the woman God intends, than let apathy settle in it's place and live it the way I want.

With that being said, I'll do my best to be completely honest with you in all I'm feeling and doing. I've made some stupid decisions as of late and it's so much easier to let you all think I have it all figured out- but I'm no where near it. I know I write a lot, and it's because it's my outlet. There is something so relaxing and freeing about writing- seeing my thoughts on paper is so helpful for me.

On another note, here is the soundtrack of my life as of late:

Geek in the Pink- Jason Mraz
White blank Page- Mumford & Sons
I Gave you All- Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul- Mumford & Sons
This is the Thing- Fink

I've been digging folk music lately.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW! WOO!

"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won." -Mumford & Sons. (I Gave you All)

Vlog 4

Before you watch- Be aware I was in a very weird mood. I just got out of the shower and had no makeup on. With that being said, judge me how you want. I have no shame. ;)

Las Adventuras de Taco Bell:

Vlog 3

Thoughts late at night when I can't fall asleep!

Back to myspace days!

These surveys remind me of myspace... but I enjoy reading them. I know a lot of people who don't so I won't be offended if you don't read it. It's 1:30 a.m. and I had to much caffeine before sleep...

Promise you won't lie?
Juro.

Was the person you last texted single?
Yep! All the single ladies, all the single ladies.

Do you get jealous easily?
Not really- not about small things.

Are you wasting your time on the person you like?
Well, survey, wouldn't we all like to know? Tell me my future, and I'll let you know. ;)

What are you currently waiting for?
Waiting to graduate and get on with life, waiting for the caffeine to wear off so I can sleep, waiting to talk to Sierra.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
Hm. I'd like to think I think about them an even amount, but I think it's easiest for most people to think in the present, including myself.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Of course! Anyone want to join me? Then I wouldn't be filling out lame surveys. ;)

Honestly, did you really love the last person you said I love you too?
Honestly, no. It was a co-worker of mine.

Is anything wrong with your eyes?
I just went to the eye doctor today and got a new prescription- it's like seeing the world for the first time! So, without contacts, yes.

Who were the last people you saw besides from family?
My coworkers.

Do you have nice eyes?
I suppose. I think they're pretty average, but I like 'em.

Have you ever received a love letter more than a page long?
Typed or handwritten? ;) Yes.

If something was wrong, who is the first girl you would go to?
Melissa.

Who's thinking about you right now?
Stop asking these questions I don't know. The world, for the most part, is asleep.

Is this year the best year of your life?
I don't know yet, it's only February. But in terms of school years, yes.

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Ellyn or Tyler.

How do you feel about a Diet Dr Pepper?
I don't like it.

Do you ever work out?
I do indeed.

Do you go to the tanning bed on a regular basis?
Nope. I should though- I'm reaching albino complexion.

Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
Yeah, dreams seem very real sometimes!

Does your bedroom need cleaning?
I just cleaned today, so no.

July 4th or St. Patrick's Day?
Fourth of July!

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?
Really slow.

Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Really? Yes, hanging out with only girls would drive me crazy.

Are you comfortable with your height?
Yes, I love it.

Do you act differently around the person you like?
I have no idea. I don't think so.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I do.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
More than one, which is a blessing in itself.

Do you like thunderstorms?
Oh yes.

How fast does your mood change?
Depends on the day and the time of month. ;)

Are there things that can't be joked about with you?
Yeah, there are some things.

What do you always take with you?
Phone, keys, purse.

When is your birthday?
July 7th.

Anything on your walls?
More than you can imagine. Not really, you can imagine it. Just a lot of random stuff.

What do you bite more, your tongue, lip, or cheek?
Lip.

Is there something that you want to tell someone but can't?
Not really. I took John Mayer's deep lyrics to heart: say what you need to say. ;)

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
Definitely. I think I was hard-wired for those kind of relationships, haha.

Do you crack your knuckles?
Definitely not.

Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches?
Depends on the crowd, but for the most part I am.

Would you ever swim with sharks?
I would, I think.

Does anyone know your passwords besides you?
Yeppers.

What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
What any normal person would do, be sad about that.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Dr. Pepper.

I bet you miss somebody right now...?
I do indeed!

Do you have a box where you keep all your important things?
Yep. A few, actually.

How many times have you dyed your hair?
Once for the Thorn.

Would you ever date anyone your parents disapproved of?
I would respect their opinion, but I can make my own decisions and would if it came down to it.

Who introduced you to your boyfriend or girlfriend?
N/A.

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Well, for a few days and then probably not.

Are you afraid of shots?
Nope.

Is there someone you can tell anything to?
Yes, a couple people.

Do you lead people on ever?
*sigh* mhm.

At this moment in time if you HAD to have someone's name tattooed on you who's would it be?
Jesus. I feel like people would assume the person whom I tattooed on my body died and then I'd have to explain that they weren't and it would just be awkward. Jesus is much more understandable.

How old will you be in 17 months?
Almost 19.

Has anyone called you perfect before?
I don't recall anyone who has...?

Do your best friends’ parents tend to like you?
Yes.

What’s your all-time favorite ROMANCE movie?
A Walk to Remember.

TV channels you watch?
I don't know, I like TLC.

Are any of your friends taller than you?
This is a stupid question and I'm refusing to answer it. There, stuck it to the man.

Do you prefer the ocean or a pool?
Ocean.

What’s your favorite part of the song that you’re listening to?
"We'll fall just like stars being hung by only string, everything, everything here is gone."

Ever cried your heart out?
Metaphorically I'm assuming- and I have a couple times.

Are you the same person you were in 2009?
No.

Do you make good grades?
Yes.

Is there a difference between love and IN love?
Definitely.

Have you ever been on a motorcycle?
Nope, I've always wanted to, though.

Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don't?
Very much so.

What is the main ringtone on your cell?
I don't know! I always have it on vibrate.

Do you speak any other language other than English?
Espanol.

Do you think you were raised well?
I do, definitely.

Could you name all 50 states and point to them on a map?
Yes.

Are you someone's best friend?
Yes.

Where was the last place you were when you got sick?
At my house.

Have you ever smuggled something into America?
Haha, yeah. When I came back from Uganda I had this machete I bought for my brother I had to hide.

What's your favorite super-hero?
I am partial to Spiderman.

Can you say the alphabet backwards?
No.

Pen or pencil?
Pen.

Ever had an 11:11 wish come true?
I don't remember.

Do you get bad headaches?
Not really.

What's worse: liars or cheaters?
I think they often go hand and hand.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I'm not sure.

Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
Yes, I don't want my boyfriend to smoke.

What's usually colder, your hands or your feet?
Feet.

Do you like competition?
For the most part.

Do you think two people can last forever?
Sure do- if by forever you mean death.

Do you consider yourself lucky?
I consider myself fortunate, not so much lucky.

Is there someone that cares about you more than themselves?
I don't know, I think that's pretty hard for anyone to do.

Who was the ugliest person you saw today?
I don't remember.

Has a song ever made you cry?
Yes.

Is the world crumbling to pieces?
Definitely not.

How many states in the U.S. have you been to?
somewhere around 5. I'm not counting states I've passed through.

Where did you grow up?
Colorado

Is your handwriting large, tiny, or pretty normal?
Moderately small-normal.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
I don't think so.

When your phone rings what do you say?
Depends! With Melissa it's "Hey Melly or Hey sexy", with Sierra it's "My darling!" With Amy it's "Baby!" ... I see a trend here... With normal people it's just Hello? ;)

Has anyone ever said they wanted to marry you?
Not that I recall.

Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader?
Gymnast for a short time.

Is your birthday on a holiday?
Nope, it's close though.

Do you always answer your phone?
No.

Who was the last person you had a sleepover with?
Melissa.

Are you ticklish?
I'm not! People end up hurting me more by there pokes and it's awkward for them because I don't like being touched as it is and then combining that with not laughing... It's just a disappointing experience for everyone.

What is your biggest regret?
Not owning a dog. ;) Thanks Marcel.


It worked, I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Good night!

Vlog 2

On this episode of vlog-ing I discuss my life to date including, and actually limited to the happenings of my life, what I've been learning and shaving my legs.



"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

Good Night!

Chocolate-covered ants and V-day.

Sinpunto cuenta del dia:
I tricked my friend into eating a chocolate-covered ant today.

I EFE (Elementary Field Education) for a Middle School Spanish teacher and they are doing a unit on chocolate (the origin of it and what not). They have to sample nearly 20 kinds of chocolate. One of them was chocolate covered ants. It looks like a white chocolate york patty, sort of. So you can't see the ants.
I came into choir and told Alyssa that I just didn't like plain chocolate (which is true) and I wanted to know if she wanted it. She popped it in her mouth and started chewing and then looked at me,

"Sierra, why is my chocolate crunchy?"

And I smiled and said, "Would you believe me if I told you it has little crispy flakes in it? Like a crunch bar?"

She knows me too well.
Her countenance completely changed and she walked over to the trash can and spit it out. And then hit me multiple times- completely uncalled for if I do say so myself. It really wasn't that bad, and it did taste similar to a crunch bar, so I didn't really lie. ;) Jokes.

I'm hanging out at It's a Grind (por supuesto) after school before jazz choir listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon 5.
Songs I've been liking due to Valentines Day:
I'm in love with you- Joy Williams
Marry Me- Train.

both of these songs are very sweet.

And both, of course, remind me of Sierra Laird.
No homo.

I am stoked for this Valentines Day. Well, the day after V-day. I have to work on the actual day, but the day after Sierra and I are (hopefully) going to Denver to have a perfect romantic getaway.

I figure, girls never get to plan dates. Which is not a bad thing, but sometimes we have these ideas such as, "It would be cute if..." but it never comes to actually happening because girls just don't plan dates. Sierra and I had this genius idea of going on a Valentines date and planning something romantic for each other. And we figure we can get away with pretty much anything under the banner of "no homo" (thank you Tyler Hill) so I am stoked.

However, to solve the competition between you two, the answer is simple.
Ryan is my Valentine. He has the title: he won it fair and square. On Valentines Day, he will be my Valentine.

But, my heart belongs to Sierra. It's no secret she is my heart's Valentine. Sorry, Ryan.

I'm hoping this Valentine's Day will be good. They're always kind of a hit-or-miss. I'll start liking them when I'm in a serious relationship or married, I'm sure, but it always is just a sad day when you have no one or are getting over someone else. The great thing is though, it's only a day- and Feburary 15th is only 24 hours away. ;)

Prince Charming's out there: I beckon you to all the available ladies for Valentines Day. A horse is preferable, but not required. Same with muscles, money, (attractive) facial hair, and a stunning personality. Sierra Laird, Elisabeth, Kandilyn and I all need one, so please- assuage our love-less day. ;)
Nah, jokes. For me, anyway. I'm okay with singleness, I have no business being in a relationship for awhile.

*Ack* Choking on my tea *Cough*

Conpunto cita del dia:
"We rarely change until our pain exceeds the fear of change." -Rick Warren.

"If men had postponed the search for knowledge and beauty until they were secure, the search never would have begun." -C.S. Lewis

I really like those.
Homework time and then Mill. :)


Oh, and let me know if any of you actually looked up the spanish. ;)

Two world's: God's and mine.

Rachel posted this on her blog today:

"Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden. The king was like no other king. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden. How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist-no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know? If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross the gulf between them. For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal. (as quoted in Disappointment with God )

The king clothes himself as a beggar and renounces his throne in order to win her hand. The Incarnation, the life and the death of Jesus, answers once and for all the question, “What is God’s heart toward me?” This is why Paul says in Romans 5, “Look here, at the Cross. Here is the demonstration of God’s heart. At the point of our deepest betrayal, when we had run our farthest from him and gotten so lost in the woods we could never find our way home, God came and died to rescue us.”



I had to read it a few times because it resonated within me. I really like the way this is illustrated. Especially the bit about, "Would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind?"

How many times do we do this with God?
There are so many times we possess a "God world" and then "my world" and the two intersect at church and in prayer times and even then, once you're done, you know you're back in "your world."
It's as though we're scared to actually give up our world, because we would be sad for leaving it. We would be upset for giving up the ability to control the outcome of something, and the ability to control at all. We like our world; cherish it, even, and let God come in just as we want it to.
God's world is invited when we're sad, when we have a decision we need to make, when we want to be angry at someone... Yes, God's the man. It's so easy, then, to say: "God, let your Kingdom come, let your will be done." Especially when we want a certain outcome; because once it happens, we can go back to our world and embrace it with a certain familiarity.

Do we cherish our world too much for God's kingdom to actually come? Are those words empty when it comes to decisions?

Well, if you're not like that, then I'm talking to myself because I cherish my world sometimes. Okay, let's be honest, I embrace my world a lot.

Jesus came to bridge the gap between His world and ours. As if to show us, "I came to this world so you might dwell in mine."

"Of course she would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly?"
...I'm working on that. I want to.

Vlog 1 !

In this episode of Vlog-ing I talk about my condensed version of my college "situation." I realize most high school seniors have a similar situation, so I'm not freaking out or overly stressed. I do have to make a decision soon though, so these are the things I've been thinking about.

Random realizations.

Things I have learned about myself lately:

1. I am not an angry person. I think this is genetic: Eberle's are notorious for patience. It takes a lot to get me angry- and even then, it only lasts for a few minutes until I realize it's not worth it. This will come in handy for my teacher days.

2. I love consistency but I don't mind change. I've learned recently that oftentimes they go hand-in-hand, but not always.

3. I love when people do little things for me. It means the world to me. When Cody and Tyler visit me at work, when Alyssa brings me chocolate after having a bad day, when Melissa writes me a note and puts it on my car, when the lady I babysit for sends me a facebook message just to let me know she's praying for me, when my sister cleans the excess toothpaste off of my toothpaste, etc. I have great people in my life who really care about me. I appreciate them so, so much.

4. I have had the most lame birthday parties for the past few years. 15 I had malaria. 16 I went out to dinner with my dad, but didn't see my boyfriend or any of my friends. 17 Sierra and I had absolutely nothing to do. I don't remember the last time I had an actual, planned party. And that's mostly because I don't like parties. I learned having a birthday in July is not good because everyone is gone on vacations. Since I already choose to keep few friends around me, that restricts my parties to a couple friends. I don't know what I'll do for 18 but maybe it should not be lame...

5. I am extremely vulnerable with people. This is great to write because I used to have a huge problem with people seeing my emotions and hearing about my life and my past. Now I can be read like a book and I will tell you almost anything you want to hear about me. I'm really happy about that.

6. I would love for my husband to sing "You're the Reason I Come Home" by Ron Pope to me someday. It's so sweet. (Or write me another song equally as sweet). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IctL_5C0WH8

7. I'm contemplating cutting my hair short. A little below chin length. I'm not sure how it would look considering my naturally curly hair. Thoughts?

I hope tomorrow is a snow day.
Ryan and I have a snow dance for the occasion.
It's supposed to get real cold. I love this weather (when I'm inside, that is.)

Sometimes

I want to leave my house in my bra and underwear because it's so much more comfortable.


I got accepted to ORU yesterday. I may write about that later.

Time for work.
...In work clothes.

Curiosity

Two posts in one night. I know, I'm going crazayayay.
I've been on a poetry kick due to AP Lit.

Curiosity
"may have killed the cat; more likely
the cat was just unlucky, or else curious
to see what death was like, having no cause
to go on licking paws, or fathering
litter on litter of kittens, predictably.

Nevertheless, to be curious
is dangerous enough. To distrust
what is always said, what seems,
to ask odd questions, interfere in dreams,
leave home, smell rats, have hunches
do not endear cats to those doggy circles
where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches
are the order of things, and where prevails
much wagging of incurious heads and tails.

Face it. Curiosity
will not cause us to die-
only lack of it will.
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill
or that inprobable country
where living is an idyll
(although a probable hell)
would kill us all.
Only the curious
have, if they live, a tale
worth telling at all.

Dogs say cats love too much, are irresponsible,
are changeable, marry too many wives,
desert their children, chill all dinner tables
with tales of their nine lives.
Well, they are lucky. Let them be
nine-lived and contradictory,
curious enough to change, prepared to pay
the cat price, which is to die
and die again and again,
each time with no less pain.
A cat minority of one
is all that can be counted on
to tell the truth. And what cats have to tell
on each return from hell
is this: that dying is what the living do,
that dying is what the loving do,
and that dead dogs are those who do not know
that dying is what, to live, each has to do."

- Alastair Reid

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A white horse rolled around in dirt.
Bahahaha. (Just for you, Sierra.)

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
... "Where's my tractor!?"
Bahahaha. (That was was for me, Sierra.)

And just for the heck of it, Sierra, I will use your name multiple times in this sentence, Sierra. Sierra! ;)

I've recently (about 20 minutes ago) discovered I enjoy doing hair. I like curling it and then putting it in up and playing with it. (In case any of you care, I curled my hair all over my head and then put it in a ponytail, then I took half of the strands of the curls and put them around the pony tail- just putting a bobby pin in the middle of the curl- and secured them with bobbypins. Then the remaining half of the curls I tucked under like a bun and secured with bobbypins).
One of my most favorite things is feeling pretty. I like getting dressed up and putting on dresses and doing my hair and make-up and putting on heels. I love it. Today was one of those days, unfortunately.

I discovered that I ALWAYS wear dresses/skirts on days it snows. Obviously, not purposefully. This morning, it looked sunny and it was. I should know Colorado better than that... But obviously, I don't.

Some girl in my EFE class (in 8th grade Spanish) asked me today,
"So how was your first day of high school?"
I replied, "Not bad, freshman year feels like a long time ago, though."
She gave me a blank stare and then said,
"Wait, what year are you?"
"I'm a senior."
She literally laughed out loud. I mean, an lol for reals, guys. And then she looked around at her homies who were looking at each other in disbelief.
"NO WAY! I thought you were a freshman or sophomore!"

...Ugh...
I don't normally mind looking young. But with my made-fun of senior pictures and school ID, my ability to wear the same clothes from 8th grade, The fact my 6th grade modeling pictures still display a spitting image of myself today... I would love to grow up a little bit. Just a little? Get some hips? Go crazy and get a tattoo?
I understand I'll appreciate it later. And like I said, I don't normally mind it. But 8th graders are so mean, blog...

That is all for tonight.

The Civil Wars.

You know those songs or artists you find that stop you dead in your tracks to listen to? Well, here's one of them: The Civil Wars. I've liked Joy Williams for awhile because of the the tone and control she has over her voice, but these two together compliment each other very well. They're very emotional. And the guy looks like Johnny Depp. Thank you, Ryan Pacheco, for introducing me to these people.

This one is full of oxymorons. "I don't have a choice, but I still choose you."




Ah, good music.

People Watching.

I'm at It's a Grind again. It's my new favorite place to relax- read my Bible, write blogs, do my homework, people watch...

Yeah, I like to people watch. It's interesting. It's fun to read people's body language when they are in an awkward conversations. Is that creepy? Don't tell me none of you do with when you're in a coffee shop...

(500) days of summer is a good movie. I watched it last night for probably the 15th time with some friends. Every time it's over I can't help but sigh happily, "Man, that is a great movie..." I watched it a couple weeks ago in Spanish. That was funny. They made Summer have this manly, mexican voice.

I just got done writing a synopsis of myself for my Intercom class. It's always interesting to write about yourself because you see the way you look at yourself and the things you like and hate about yourself. It shows the the bigger perspective on what's going on instead of just the day's "stuff" you have to deal with. You're forced to think about what's important in your life to put in a couple-paragraph paper. You see how you've changed and what you want to change in the future.

Lately I've decided I want to study abroad. The idea was in the back of my mind for awhile, but now I'm pretty set on it. I think I'll hang out here for a year and just get some general ed out of the way, and then hopefully sophomore year I'll go to Spain or Argentina and immerse myself in Spanish. I think it'll be the best way to learn the language as well as get away for awhile. I'm really excited about it.


I'm feeling very content about life.
There are people in the left-hand corner making out. Awkward. Kind of funny. See? People watching is fun.

"Your Generation and Numbers..."

I'm at school on the tiniest laptop in the world.
Last night I went to sleep at 1:30. It wasn't a good night. I don't know why I watched a scary movie before bed;
1) I hate scary movies,
2) It was a stupid movie. (Hide and Seek)

I fell asleep at 12:30 and then woke up from a terrible dream sobbing. I called Melissa and then finally fell asleep at 1:30. And then I woke up at 6:30 a.m.. I'm kind of tired. Boo for bad nights/bad dreams.

Why do scary movies intrigue us? Why do we pay money to be scared? I wish people actually read my blog so this could be a discussion. ;)

I'm going to talk about work for a minute (or two).
I like working at Taco Bell.
The way I look at it; I want to be a spanish major. I will be paying money to learn how to speak spanish. At Taco Bell, I am being paid to do what I want to major in.

With that being said, I get my fair share of... interesting... customers.
Yesterday I had this guy come in and order 12 tacos for a special deal we had. It's 10 cents more per taco for soft tacos.

I explained this to the guy when he said he wanted 12 soft tacos.
"Sir, is it okay that it will be 10 cents more per taco for the soft tacos? So, $1.20?"
"Ugh, I guess. And you mean $1.40, I understand, we all have our days."

I laughed awkwardly and said,
"Well, no. 12 soft tacos would be $1.20."
He laughed and looked down at the floor,
"Your generation and numbers... Okay, I'll get 8 soft tacos and 4 crunchy."
He raised his voice and looked at me,
"So that'll be 80 cents more for my soft tacos!"
He laughed and shook his head like I was stupid.

So now you know how to do math?

I wanted so badly to look at him and say, "Haha, oh, no worries. You can't count. We all have our days."

But I ust let it go. The customer is always right... (biggest lie in the book)

I've been reading Hosea lately.
In spanish.
It's quickly becoming one of my favorite books of the Bible.

Hasta pronto, blogue. Buenas suenos, espero que mejor que la mia. ;)

1.11.11

I just made a wish.
It's 11:11 on 1.11.11.

Sweet.

It's snowing again. Gloomy weather makes me happy. Is that weird?

I've been liking this song lately. Kind of a cheesy animation but it's kind of cute, too.



Goodnight, world.

It's a Grind.

SNOW DAY TODAY!
I'm sitting in Its a Grind and doing my homework, listening to William Fitzsimmons, drinking a white hot chocolate. I'm feeling productive. And I'm feeling good about life. Nice feeling.

There's this little two-year-old boy sitting right next to me in a chair that's about 6 times the size of his body. It's adorable. I can't wait to have kids. I think if I fail at everything in life and succeed in only one, it will be being a good mother (At least I hope).I can't wait to be a mom. All of my fears revolve around kids: being infertile, having a child with a mental disability, having a miscarriage, having an ugly child, etc. (Joking about the last one. How is that even possible with my genes? ;) )

If I have it my way, my plan is this:
1) Be engaged in my last year of college.
2) Be married by 21 or 22.
3) Have kids by 23 or 24.
4) Have 2 or 3 kids naturally and adopt 1 or 2.

I know God may have other plans for me than those... But like I said, if I had it MY way...

Okay, so there was that cute little kid. Now there's this creepy guy sitting at the fireplace talking to himself. It's freaking me out.

I'm going to go home.

Nobody puts Blankie in a corner. (or box)

I'm going to try to start writing a blog every day or at least a couple times a week. I get on these writing binges- usually it's in the form of a new journal or a new theme or I write poetry or songs or stories... you get the point.

I have about 10 different journals all for different things. I have an entire journal set apart for "definitions of words I don't know." And another is for "spanish words I learn". I like writing but it usually only lasts for short amounts of time. So get it while it's hot.

I went to that new church today. Didn't like it. Bummer. :/ The two churches I've been to in the last 3 weeks have been sad for me, honestly. One of them talked about Jesus' second coming like it was an unavoidable fate that we just have to suck up and deal with. It was like, "Jesus is coming back. So get ready." (It made me think of the song that goes 'One day, I'll see you coming back for me, and all together we'll flyyyy awaaaayyy...' Yeah? Anyone?) Trying to candy coat the second coming like Jesus is going to come and snatch up some people and then, well, the rest of them we'll just not think about. So just save err'ybody out there.

Today at this other church I was amazed when I walked in. The building was spectacular. The worship room was top-notch. They had a different color for each song. One of their main core values was to "attract people to Christ" and that was obvious. The pastor boasted of how the attendence had gone up 35% in the last year. It was nice, it was cozy, it was distracting me from actually worshipping.

Am I really being that picky? Or is the Body of Christ called to be more than making people feel comfortable? All I saw in those two churches were comfort. And if there's anything in the New Testament I learned about Christianity, it's that being the Body of Christ is NOT always comfortable. I'm not saying, "Well, in order for a church to be a good church, at least half of the congregation needs to be beheaded." But it's got to be more than lights and coffee and attendence numbers and comfortable topics. Comfort is what I believe will kill God's original design for the church.

Anyway, the reason I'm looking around for another church is for the sole purpose of finding an accountability group or somewhere I can plug in. I feel very disconnected and want some godly people to help me through life. Trying to take the proactive route as opposed to the "woe is me" route. Anyone know some good churches in the Springs?

The best part of today: I got my blankie back. :) :) :)

I had this pink blankie that I took with me everywhere. There is one day that is still vivid in my mind: when my mom took my blankie away. I cried and begged for my blankie but I was a "big girl" and I needed a "big girl toy". But today, I was looking through my momentos box, and found my blankie.

I HAVE IT. HA, MOM. HA.
Can't take a girl's love for her blankie away from her for long.

I may have posted this quote before, but I like it. So here it is again. It's from C.S. Lewis' Four Loves:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."


I'm going to call it a day.

NOBODY PUTS BLANKIE IN A CORNER.

Pore-clogging garbage.

I decided to take up the art of casual blog writing. It's new for me. It's like switching from writing autobiographies to some pre-teen novella. I don't mean that I want them to be shallow... but they might be. I just want to ramble. Say what's on my mind. I will probably get deep sometimes too, I just need more of a balance.

Casual. Casual.

I've been telling myself I would do my homework for two hours now. I wrote a letter to my compassion child, had a quarter-life-crisis (Thank you, John Mayer) and wanted to buy a brand new car (2011 hundai accent to be exact- still not over this crisis), made my bed, sorted through my letters, went on facebook... ended up here.

Oh, and also, found out my face "moisturizer" I've been using was actually body lotion.

Okay, the bottle says it's a "moisturizer." Little did I know that there's a difference between face moisturizer and body "moisturizer." Seriously? They're going to confuse me like that? One is intended to make your face soft and not dry. The other actually is intended to clog your pores and make you get zits. (If put on your face.)

I go into the bathroom tonight and I'm looking at my face about to wash it with this great-smelling stuff and I tell my sister who is walking in, "my face has been breaking out like crazy. Lots of stress, probably." And she tells me, "Oh, I've been meaning to tell you, that moisturizer is not for your face. Have you been using that?"
"Uh, yeah."

Well there you have it folks. Give me about a week to go back to my normal face. I'm embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough not to post it on my blog.

My senior year is almost over. I know this semester is going to fly by and I'm stoked. I can't wait to just be a "college kid" just because the title makes me feel like I'm older. Then i'll be able to pursue my major. I want to be a high school spanish teacher. I'd love to go to Ecuador some time, or some spanish-speaking country and just chill there for a month or two. Or more. Really, I just want to get away...

Next year, I'm so undecided about what I want to do. I want to stay here and get my general ed done because it's the "smart thing to do". Save money. Everyone says I'm making the right decision. I'm trying to find an apartment or a house with some girls because I want to move out. I love my parents, but I really just want some freedom. Anyone interested?
I'm also still considering going to ORU next year. Just for the reason I want to leave. Start somewhere fresh. Meet new people. I'm praying about it, we'll see.

Yeah, I'm still working at Taco Bell. Stop asking that question so condescending, people. "Are you STILL working at Taco Bell?"
Yes. YES I AM.

I'm checking out a church tomorrow. I'm excited about it.

I saw Black Swan yesterday. Here's how I feel about it in a word:

WOAH.

Yeah. I liked it. There were definitely some questionable scenes. But it was a masterpiece.

I'm feeling good today.

Minus my face.