A vlog about my bank account, prom, and dancing.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Spring sickness
I had a lot of plans for Spring break. And then I got a cold.
So now I'm sitting here with a roll of toilet paper and drugged up on dayquil- reading Crime and Punishment. I don't have a fever yet, which means I have to continue coming into work until I do because we just fired 2 of our employees which means I'm stuck taking those people's shift while we find someone else. Hoorah, perfect timing...
I promise I'll write about something significant sometime. There's been a lot going on in this head of mine, but I've been reverting back to writing. You know- with a pen and paper. In the meantime, here's Damien Rice. I like this guy.
Also, this is awesome. Future boyfriend, we are doing some of these things: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4FeJSy/9gag.com/full/3619
So now I'm sitting here with a roll of toilet paper and drugged up on dayquil- reading Crime and Punishment. I don't have a fever yet, which means I have to continue coming into work until I do because we just fired 2 of our employees which means I'm stuck taking those people's shift while we find someone else. Hoorah, perfect timing...
I promise I'll write about something significant sometime. There's been a lot going on in this head of mine, but I've been reverting back to writing. You know- with a pen and paper. In the meantime, here's Damien Rice. I like this guy.
Also, this is awesome. Future boyfriend, we are doing some of these things: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4FeJSy/9gag.com/full/3619
Monday, March 21, 2011
Couldn't help myself.
"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavely creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into the one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself.
To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal lonliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.
The right direction leads not only to peace but to knowledge. When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him."
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Lemon poppyseed muffins and Clive
I just made another batch of lemon poppyseed muffins. At midnight.
I've made 3 batches this week. 1 for work, 1 for spanish class, and now tonight I made one allllll for myself. :D
Oh, the simple joys of life. Baking is one of my favorite things to do. It was the perfect way to celebrate the start of Spring break. ;) I'm going to be that mom, and that grandma: the one with cookies and brownies when they come home from school. I will make my kids fat if I'm not careful. ;)
I had a great past few days with Rachel being home; I saw Adjustment Bureau with her and Elisabeth and Trevor and lots of friends(which was SO good), and then theMILL the next day with lots of friends. It was nice. I felt very social.
I've also been re-reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and I love the way he sets up his book. He starts out in the first part by not even mentioning God- but just the logical reasoning that says, "there has to be something out there." Which then progresses to what Christians believe. I'm enjoying it a lot.
Here are some quotes:
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise. Thou mine inheritence now and always. Thou and thou only first in my heart, High King of heaven, my treasure thou art. ...Heart of my own heart, whatever befall: still be my vision, O ruler of all.
-Be Thou my Vision.
I've made 3 batches this week. 1 for work, 1 for spanish class, and now tonight I made one allllll for myself. :D
Oh, the simple joys of life. Baking is one of my favorite things to do. It was the perfect way to celebrate the start of Spring break. ;) I'm going to be that mom, and that grandma: the one with cookies and brownies when they come home from school. I will make my kids fat if I'm not careful. ;)
I had a great past few days with Rachel being home; I saw Adjustment Bureau with her and Elisabeth and Trevor and lots of friends(which was SO good), and then theMILL the next day with lots of friends. It was nice. I felt very social.
I've also been re-reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and I love the way he sets up his book. He starts out in the first part by not even mentioning God- but just the logical reasoning that says, "there has to be something out there." Which then progresses to what Christians believe. I'm enjoying it a lot.
Here are some quotes:
"If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad. And free will has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata- of creatures that worked like machines- would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designed for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they must be free.
Of course God knew that would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently he thought it worth the risk. Perhaps we feel inclined to disagree with Him. But there is a difficulty about disagreeing with God. He is the source from which all your reasoning power comes, when you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all: it is like cutting off the branch you are sitting on."
"God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise. Thou mine inheritence now and always. Thou and thou only first in my heart, High King of heaven, my treasure thou art. ...Heart of my own heart, whatever befall: still be my vision, O ruler of all.
-Be Thou my Vision.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
If I were to do high school over...
fFor me, it's been awhile since I've blogged. So here I am blogging.
First order of business: ORU.
ORU was fantastic. I came back in such an ORU high, I have absolutely no motivation to finish high school. However, I only have 2 more months left, so I think I'll manage. I loved being there, though. I have no doubt in my mind that I am supposed to go there next year. The competition itself was a little hectic; they didn't have me on the list for whatever reason, so they had to shuffle me around into wherever they could put me. It all got worked out though, and I got the interview and essay and met some wonderful people in the process.
I got to hang out with Rachel today as she just came home from break. We went to theMill Sunday school which is a breath of fresh air in midst of fake Christianity. Joe Kirkendall has really challenged me and it's great. I will definitely continue to go. Plus, they had free Panera bagels, so I will definitely continue to go. ;)
It was also very refreshing to hang out with Rachel. She and I have had a long friendship history, since 7th grade when we got paired together in Coram Deo before the Jamaica mission trip with jv_tag. We reminisced by reading all of our journal entires to each other, and saw how much each of us have grown and at the same time, how much we've both stayed a lot the same. We laughed at how I still don't like the same foods, and all the boy problems we considered so monumental at the time.
I admire Rachel a lot- in her genuine love for God, and her humbleness in who she is. She has grown a lot since the last time we talked, and it's very refreshing to be around her, as if we had never stopped talking. We had so much fun.
We went to wal-mart too, and I found out my weakness: girl scouts selling girl scout cookies.
I can pretty easily refuse the people who ask for money for various charities... but I can't refuse a girl scout who wants to sell me cookies. Their eyes are so innocent and I feel like if I refuse them I kicked a little puppy or something equally as sweet in the face.
Also, I once was a girl scout who wanted to sell so many boxes that the world would explode in girl scout cookies.
All I really wanted was the gigantic teddy bear I'd recieve after selling 200 boxes.
All that to say, I bought a box.
It's sad to me I buy girl scout cookies over helping the local animal shelter, but I just don't like animals that much. (Sorry animal lovers, such as my mom...)
I watched a movie last night called "Never let me go". I am unsure what to think of it, still. It was really interesting. It was like a mix of "Minority Report" and "Black Swan" or something, plus some random romance. It's in redbox. I'm still trying to figure it out, because I didn't understand it completely. You should rent it and tell me what you think. I often miss crucial plot lines... So I need people like you movie-watching people to help a sista out.
I started thinking the other day about high school hallways and how awkward they are.
There are those certain people who you never know if you should say hi to or not. Every time you see them, it's always a thought process, will I make eye contact with them? Because if so, I have to say hi. Will they say hi? Maybe I should just start texting, or distract myself in some way...
And then you get to that point where you either look at them and say "Hey!" or just keep walking, but someone has got to take that initiative, and that always depends on their mood.
Now, written down, it's really pathetic, but it happens every day. And then there are those people you see all the way down the hall and you shout their name and run up to them.
If I were to do high school over again, I'd somehow make hallways less awkward. Here are the things I want to do in a hallway:
Set up a picnic in a free period, and anyone who is wandering the halls, I invite them to join me.
Walk backwards.
Skip.
Check myself out for an abnormally long period of time in the trophy-cases.
Start a flash mob.
Cry spontaneously just to see how people react.
Wave to people I've never met, as if I met them, just to see if they'd play along.
Start singing to people as they're making out in the hallway.
Obviously stare at people who are making out in the hallway.
Throw things at people who are making out in the hallway.
Pretend to swim.
Start counting 1...2...6...20! Ready or not here I come! And then be pissed off when everyone is just standing there.
Start a game of tag.
Start "honking" when people in front of me are going too slow.
Hold up traffic signs; red lights and green lights so people from the pods could cross into the rest of traffic.
That's all I've got.
You should add to it if you've got some good ideas.
BED!
First order of business: ORU.
ORU was fantastic. I came back in such an ORU high, I have absolutely no motivation to finish high school. However, I only have 2 more months left, so I think I'll manage. I loved being there, though. I have no doubt in my mind that I am supposed to go there next year. The competition itself was a little hectic; they didn't have me on the list for whatever reason, so they had to shuffle me around into wherever they could put me. It all got worked out though, and I got the interview and essay and met some wonderful people in the process.
I got to hang out with Rachel today as she just came home from break. We went to theMill Sunday school which is a breath of fresh air in midst of fake Christianity. Joe Kirkendall has really challenged me and it's great. I will definitely continue to go. Plus, they had free Panera bagels, so I will definitely continue to go. ;)
It was also very refreshing to hang out with Rachel. She and I have had a long friendship history, since 7th grade when we got paired together in Coram Deo before the Jamaica mission trip with jv_tag. We reminisced by reading all of our journal entires to each other, and saw how much each of us have grown and at the same time, how much we've both stayed a lot the same. We laughed at how I still don't like the same foods, and all the boy problems we considered so monumental at the time.
I admire Rachel a lot- in her genuine love for God, and her humbleness in who she is. She has grown a lot since the last time we talked, and it's very refreshing to be around her, as if we had never stopped talking. We had so much fun.
We went to wal-mart too, and I found out my weakness: girl scouts selling girl scout cookies.
I can pretty easily refuse the people who ask for money for various charities... but I can't refuse a girl scout who wants to sell me cookies. Their eyes are so innocent and I feel like if I refuse them I kicked a little puppy or something equally as sweet in the face.
Also, I once was a girl scout who wanted to sell so many boxes that the world would explode in girl scout cookies.
All I really wanted was the gigantic teddy bear I'd recieve after selling 200 boxes.
All that to say, I bought a box.
It's sad to me I buy girl scout cookies over helping the local animal shelter, but I just don't like animals that much. (Sorry animal lovers, such as my mom...)
I watched a movie last night called "Never let me go". I am unsure what to think of it, still. It was really interesting. It was like a mix of "Minority Report" and "Black Swan" or something, plus some random romance. It's in redbox. I'm still trying to figure it out, because I didn't understand it completely. You should rent it and tell me what you think. I often miss crucial plot lines... So I need people like you movie-watching people to help a sista out.
I started thinking the other day about high school hallways and how awkward they are.
There are those certain people who you never know if you should say hi to or not. Every time you see them, it's always a thought process, will I make eye contact with them? Because if so, I have to say hi. Will they say hi? Maybe I should just start texting, or distract myself in some way...
And then you get to that point where you either look at them and say "Hey!" or just keep walking, but someone has got to take that initiative, and that always depends on their mood.
Now, written down, it's really pathetic, but it happens every day. And then there are those people you see all the way down the hall and you shout their name and run up to them.
If I were to do high school over again, I'd somehow make hallways less awkward. Here are the things I want to do in a hallway:
Set up a picnic in a free period, and anyone who is wandering the halls, I invite them to join me.
Walk backwards.
Skip.
Check myself out for an abnormally long period of time in the trophy-cases.
Start a flash mob.
Cry spontaneously just to see how people react.
Wave to people I've never met, as if I met them, just to see if they'd play along.
Start singing to people as they're making out in the hallway.
Obviously stare at people who are making out in the hallway.
Throw things at people who are making out in the hallway.
Pretend to swim.
Start counting 1...2...6...20! Ready or not here I come! And then be pissed off when everyone is just standing there.
Start a game of tag.
Start "honking" when people in front of me are going too slow.
Hold up traffic signs; red lights and green lights so people from the pods could cross into the rest of traffic.
That's all I've got.
You should add to it if you've got some good ideas.
BED!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Things on my mind...
I just got done packing for ORU.
You would think as much as I've talked about it, I'd be going there for at least a week. Nah, two days.
The idea of getting on a plane by myself to be somewhere I want to live for 4 years thrills me. The idea of getting away as it is, thrills me.
If I could leave now, I would. Now was emotional and sad as that sounds- It's not sad to me. I have very little community here. It has been a struggle to find a church to connect to. I can honestly tell you I will miss my family, the kids I babysit, and 2 or 3 friends here. Don't get me wrong, I am completely content with the people who are in my life. I used to struggle with feeling lonely but I can honestly say now that it's not about feeling lonely. I am content having few but close friends in my life. I am not content with my spiritual life.
I realize going to a Christian college may not help me any more than being here and simply gaining some discipline. It's not as if I'm planning on going to a Christian college and all the sudden changing completely. I am capable of loving God while I am still here, and I'm sure I'd find a great church. It's not about me running away and expecting a different outcome in a different state.
When I went to the campus a year ago, I felt so much peace about it. It felt like home within 24 hours of me being there. And I do believe that being in a community of people who have the same world view as me (for the most part) will have an impact on my Spiritual life. Plus, I would love the freshman college experience. (as lame as that sounds). I definitely want the dorm, the room mate, the crappy college food... Sign me up.
I am scared when I go tomorrow I will not feel the same way about the college.
I am scared I'll have to stay another year when all that's in me wants to just leave.
We'll cross that bridge if it comes.
On another note, I had one of my favorite choir concerts tonight in awhile. One, because it was only about 45 minutes long. Second, I got to speak spanish to the crowd and I had 2 solos. It was a lot of fun.
I'm having a weird emotional part of my life.
In the past week I have gone on an emotional rollercoaster. For the first time the other night in about 3 or 4 months, I sobbed for a good 15 minutes. One of those "Dane Cook- I did my best" kind of cries, where you're hitting things and saying profanities whilst having a relentless stream of tears rolling down your cheeks.
But the day after I was perfectly happy.
It's more than just my usual up and down emotions of being on my period (if we're all being honest). I've been seeing my faults with unusual clarity lately. Don't get my wrong- I like myself just fine. It's not in an insecure way where I'm cutting myself down, it's more objective. My faults are what they are. I've been asking other people what they see in me that they think I should work on and it's been humbling. Here's what I've got:
I look too far into the future that I deny what's staring at me in my face in the present.
I pretend like I don't want people's attention, but I do.
I am quick to assume and judge without the whole story.
I can be tactless.
At times, I see only what I want to see.
I am too attractive and I smell too good. (Thanks, Ryan.)
I have perfectionist tendencies that carry out into my relationships.
I take things personally when they shouldn't be taken personally.
I will pretend to feel a certain way to either draw attention or make the people around me comfortable, but will deny what I'm actually feeling.
I can be hypocritical in the way I live my Spiritual life. I can tell someone they should do something and model something completely different.
My insecurities make many of my decisions.
I am lazy in my pursuit of God.
I will assume I know best and my way is better without listening to the other person.
There are others, too, but I don't feel like sharing them on a very public blog.
I want to be a woman full of integrity and love for people and I'm lost on how to get there. I love that my friends are honest with me, and I expect them to keep me accountable in this. Like I said, I really am not insecure about this, more convicted about it all and wanting so badly to be the woman God has called me to be.
Be aware I am working on myself. I see these in myself and I appreciate the honesty in the people I've talked to. And I'd love some more feedback.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.
But if I believe God has a plan for my life, I want to be the woman He intended for me to be. It's why I was sobbing so hard the other night. I came before God so broken in who I am, in realization of what a mess I've gotten myself into.
I'd rather fail trying to be the woman God intends, than let apathy settle in it's place and live it the way I want.
With that being said, I'll do my best to be completely honest with you in all I'm feeling and doing. I've made some stupid decisions as of late and it's so much easier to let you all think I have it all figured out- but I'm no where near it. I know I write a lot, and it's because it's my outlet. There is something so relaxing and freeing about writing- seeing my thoughts on paper is so helpful for me.
On another note, here is the soundtrack of my life as of late:
Geek in the Pink- Jason Mraz
White blank Page- Mumford & Sons
I Gave you All- Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul- Mumford & Sons
This is the Thing- Fink
I've been digging folk music lately.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW! WOO!
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won." -Mumford & Sons. (I Gave you All)
You would think as much as I've talked about it, I'd be going there for at least a week. Nah, two days.
The idea of getting on a plane by myself to be somewhere I want to live for 4 years thrills me. The idea of getting away as it is, thrills me.
If I could leave now, I would. Now was emotional and sad as that sounds- It's not sad to me. I have very little community here. It has been a struggle to find a church to connect to. I can honestly tell you I will miss my family, the kids I babysit, and 2 or 3 friends here. Don't get me wrong, I am completely content with the people who are in my life. I used to struggle with feeling lonely but I can honestly say now that it's not about feeling lonely. I am content having few but close friends in my life. I am not content with my spiritual life.
I realize going to a Christian college may not help me any more than being here and simply gaining some discipline. It's not as if I'm planning on going to a Christian college and all the sudden changing completely. I am capable of loving God while I am still here, and I'm sure I'd find a great church. It's not about me running away and expecting a different outcome in a different state.
When I went to the campus a year ago, I felt so much peace about it. It felt like home within 24 hours of me being there. And I do believe that being in a community of people who have the same world view as me (for the most part) will have an impact on my Spiritual life. Plus, I would love the freshman college experience. (as lame as that sounds). I definitely want the dorm, the room mate, the crappy college food... Sign me up.
I am scared when I go tomorrow I will not feel the same way about the college.
I am scared I'll have to stay another year when all that's in me wants to just leave.
We'll cross that bridge if it comes.
On another note, I had one of my favorite choir concerts tonight in awhile. One, because it was only about 45 minutes long. Second, I got to speak spanish to the crowd and I had 2 solos. It was a lot of fun.
I'm having a weird emotional part of my life.
In the past week I have gone on an emotional rollercoaster. For the first time the other night in about 3 or 4 months, I sobbed for a good 15 minutes. One of those "Dane Cook- I did my best" kind of cries, where you're hitting things and saying profanities whilst having a relentless stream of tears rolling down your cheeks.
But the day after I was perfectly happy.
It's more than just my usual up and down emotions of being on my period (if we're all being honest). I've been seeing my faults with unusual clarity lately. Don't get my wrong- I like myself just fine. It's not in an insecure way where I'm cutting myself down, it's more objective. My faults are what they are. I've been asking other people what they see in me that they think I should work on and it's been humbling. Here's what I've got:
I look too far into the future that I deny what's staring at me in my face in the present.
I pretend like I don't want people's attention, but I do.
I am quick to assume and judge without the whole story.
I can be tactless.
At times, I see only what I want to see.
I am too attractive and I smell too good. (Thanks, Ryan.)
I have perfectionist tendencies that carry out into my relationships.
I take things personally when they shouldn't be taken personally.
I will pretend to feel a certain way to either draw attention or make the people around me comfortable, but will deny what I'm actually feeling.
I can be hypocritical in the way I live my Spiritual life. I can tell someone they should do something and model something completely different.
My insecurities make many of my decisions.
I am lazy in my pursuit of God.
I will assume I know best and my way is better without listening to the other person.
There are others, too, but I don't feel like sharing them on a very public blog.
I want to be a woman full of integrity and love for people and I'm lost on how to get there. I love that my friends are honest with me, and I expect them to keep me accountable in this. Like I said, I really am not insecure about this, more convicted about it all and wanting so badly to be the woman God has called me to be.
Be aware I am working on myself. I see these in myself and I appreciate the honesty in the people I've talked to. And I'd love some more feedback.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.
But if I believe God has a plan for my life, I want to be the woman He intended for me to be. It's why I was sobbing so hard the other night. I came before God so broken in who I am, in realization of what a mess I've gotten myself into.
I'd rather fail trying to be the woman God intends, than let apathy settle in it's place and live it the way I want.
With that being said, I'll do my best to be completely honest with you in all I'm feeling and doing. I've made some stupid decisions as of late and it's so much easier to let you all think I have it all figured out- but I'm no where near it. I know I write a lot, and it's because it's my outlet. There is something so relaxing and freeing about writing- seeing my thoughts on paper is so helpful for me.
On another note, here is the soundtrack of my life as of late:
Geek in the Pink- Jason Mraz
White blank Page- Mumford & Sons
I Gave you All- Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul- Mumford & Sons
This is the Thing- Fink
I've been digging folk music lately.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW! WOO!
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won." -Mumford & Sons. (I Gave you All)
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