Things on my mind...

I just got done packing for ORU.
You would think as much as I've talked about it, I'd be going there for at least a week. Nah, two days.
The idea of getting on a plane by myself to be somewhere I want to live for 4 years thrills me. The idea of getting away as it is, thrills me.

If I could leave now, I would. Now was emotional and sad as that sounds- It's not sad to me. I have very little community here. It has been a struggle to find a church to connect to. I can honestly tell you I will miss my family, the kids I babysit, and 2 or 3 friends here. Don't get me wrong, I am completely content with the people who are in my life. I used to struggle with feeling lonely but I can honestly say now that it's not about feeling lonely. I am content having few but close friends in my life. I am not content with my spiritual life.

I realize going to a Christian college may not help me any more than being here and simply gaining some discipline. It's not as if I'm planning on going to a Christian college and all the sudden changing completely. I am capable of loving God while I am still here, and I'm sure I'd find a great church. It's not about me running away and expecting a different outcome in a different state.

When I went to the campus a year ago, I felt so much peace about it. It felt like home within 24 hours of me being there. And I do believe that being in a community of people who have the same world view as me (for the most part) will have an impact on my Spiritual life. Plus, I would love the freshman college experience. (as lame as that sounds). I definitely want the dorm, the room mate, the crappy college food... Sign me up.

I am scared when I go tomorrow I will not feel the same way about the college.
I am scared I'll have to stay another year when all that's in me wants to just leave.

We'll cross that bridge if it comes.

On another note, I had one of my favorite choir concerts tonight in awhile. One, because it was only about 45 minutes long. Second, I got to speak spanish to the crowd and I had 2 solos. It was a lot of fun.

I'm having a weird emotional part of my life.

In the past week I have gone on an emotional rollercoaster. For the first time the other night in about 3 or 4 months, I sobbed for a good 15 minutes. One of those "Dane Cook- I did my best" kind of cries, where you're hitting things and saying profanities whilst having a relentless stream of tears rolling down your cheeks.

But the day after I was perfectly happy.

It's more than just my usual up and down emotions of being on my period (if we're all being honest). I've been seeing my faults with unusual clarity lately. Don't get my wrong- I like myself just fine. It's not in an insecure way where I'm cutting myself down, it's more objective. My faults are what they are. I've been asking other people what they see in me that they think I should work on and it's been humbling. Here's what I've got:

I look too far into the future that I deny what's staring at me in my face in the present.
I pretend like I don't want people's attention, but I do.
I am quick to assume and judge without the whole story.
I can be tactless.
At times, I see only what I want to see.
I am too attractive and I smell too good. (Thanks, Ryan.)
I have perfectionist tendencies that carry out into my relationships.
I take things personally when they shouldn't be taken personally.
I will pretend to feel a certain way to either draw attention or make the people around me comfortable, but will deny what I'm actually feeling.
I can be hypocritical in the way I live my Spiritual life. I can tell someone they should do something and model something completely different.
My insecurities make many of my decisions.
I am lazy in my pursuit of God.
I will assume I know best and my way is better without listening to the other person.

There are others, too, but I don't feel like sharing them on a very public blog.
I want to be a woman full of integrity and love for people and I'm lost on how to get there. I love that my friends are honest with me, and I expect them to keep me accountable in this. Like I said, I really am not insecure about this, more convicted about it all and wanting so badly to be the woman God has called me to be.

Be aware I am working on myself. I see these in myself and I appreciate the honesty in the people I've talked to. And I'd love some more feedback.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.
But if I believe God has a plan for my life, I want to be the woman He intended for me to be. It's why I was sobbing so hard the other night. I came before God so broken in who I am, in realization of what a mess I've gotten myself into.

I'd rather fail trying to be the woman God intends, than let apathy settle in it's place and live it the way I want.

With that being said, I'll do my best to be completely honest with you in all I'm feeling and doing. I've made some stupid decisions as of late and it's so much easier to let you all think I have it all figured out- but I'm no where near it. I know I write a lot, and it's because it's my outlet. There is something so relaxing and freeing about writing- seeing my thoughts on paper is so helpful for me.

On another note, here is the soundtrack of my life as of late:

Geek in the Pink- Jason Mraz
White blank Page- Mumford & Sons
I Gave you All- Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul- Mumford & Sons
This is the Thing- Fink

I've been digging folk music lately.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW! WOO!

"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won." -Mumford & Sons. (I Gave you All)