Finally time to blog...

I know, I know. It's been awhile. I've thought about writing, and then been overwhelmed with school or work that I just haven't had time. But I'd like to inform you all that...

I AM DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL!!! :)

I graduate on Tuesday (3:30 at New Life, come?) and then I never have to step in that school again.
My friends at school seemed so morose on the last day and told me, "I just can't believe it's all over. All the memories, all of my friends, I'm going to miss it so much." and I usually replied with, "I'm sorry." Because I have not felt any of those emotions about high school ending. I feel overdue in graduating, because most of my friends already graduated and in a way, I felt like a young super-senior. So all I am doing is rejoicing. I already checked out at the beginning of the year, it's nice to actually be done.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'll miss certain people and Colorado as a state, and I'm sure I'll miss it more once I actually leave. But for now I could get on a plane right now with no regrets and start my school year- if I could.

It's feels incredible to be done with curfew and stay out until 4 a.m. just because I can, and then sleep until 1 p.m. It's awesome to not have to worry about homework or read any books or write any papers. I in some sort of cheesy way I feel like my life is really about to begin.

I know, cliche.

I keep thinking how glad I am that I made the choice to go to ORU next year. I'm excited to make new friends, to be surrounded by people who share the same worldview as I do, to be challenged spiritually, and to grow up a little in maturity.

Here's to the next four years of my life- to rekindle the flame with Christ I know needs to be lit again.

I feel burnt out on religion, so tired of going to church and hearing the same things I always have. I'm tired of hype of emotion without being able to discern if it is or isn't from God,and I'm tired of acting like I have God all figured out. I know I never will, but my journal is full of blank pages because I'm too ashamed to admit I haven't been pursuing Christ. I keep telling myself this is all necessary, and questioning my faith is a good thing. But it feels so shameful, like I'm stuck in this rut while everyone else is going about their God life flawlessly. I'd rather feel in love with God like I was than be stuck here, but with where I've been with it, it's not that easy. I don't want to be like I was, but it was so much easier to pursue Christ like that... I think...

As a result of this, I have been so insecure. I have never felt so unsure of anything in my life. I find myself trying to be affirmed by someone, anyone else that may be able to fill a part of the void I feel. There are bits and pieces I feel sometimes of God's love for me, usually when I am sitting at my piano singing what I feel to Him, or when I listen to certain songs like Love Came Down by Brian Johnson (I cry like a baby to that song) or Veils by Jason Morant. But everything else I hear about the love of God I feel is so distant and so far from me that I just get frustrated and tired of it all, and then end up acting out of insecurity in a lot of decisions.

I want more confidence in myself and who God has made me, but that's just the thing, I don't know who that person is.

I know a lot of my blogs have been like this, and that's frustrating in itself because I do want to move forward. I feel that a lot of my relationship with Christ I'm going to have to start over with.

Anyway, off to work. I just woke up 3 hours ago, this is confusing...
I would appreciate prayer, whoever is reading this blog, for confidence in myself and in Christ.